Hey hey, my freaky fans! It's meeee!

...NO! It's ME. The younger, cooler, better Deadpool!

What? Kid, shut it an' sit down. Yer a tool. Anyway, as I was sayin'--

Wait, wait! They don't want to hear about YOU. Let's talk about *ME*. Check this out; I have HAIR. Pretty, blonde--ouch! Why you little--

Soldiers! Stop shoving over there! There's only one keyboard and I need some elbow room! I can't even...Ok, who ate the burrito for lunch?

Don' look at me! I only do live and recently-deceased flesh. Non'a that beans an' rice stuff fer me. But I think it was comin' from that dir--OOF!

Hey, mister. If you don't quit blamin' me for yer messes, I'm gonna take my custom-modified Colt Peacemaker and shoot you right in your--

Will you two knock it off? I swear to Super-Skrull that I will turn this journal entry right around and not even post it if you don--

Dammit, why don't you just shut up already, Major Dragpool; and by the way, who stole my Midol? Listening to you mooks bicker is giving me CRAMPS.

I didn't even know that was possible. An' seriously? You're goin' with PMS jokes ta emphasize which one of us is the female Deadpool? Really? LAME. Man, I think I liked it better when all I had ta worry about was which schizophrenic colored box was talkin'...

Well, I mean, look at my gratuitously chesty body. Do you really expect the writers aren't going to play up the random female stereotypes all the time? Dollars to donuts they'll have me freaking out because I lost my favorite lipstick in the middle of a fight by page three of my next appearance. You know it's tr--

Hey, any'a you seen my puppy? If one'a you all shot him or somethin', I'm gonna be REALLY--

Shut it, shorty. No one cares about yer puppy. We can't even pronounce 'is name. And anyway, where'd you come from? Ain't you dead?

Well, you know how Marvel likes ta bring things back ta life. And what better time for me than now? I mean, no one'd even protest, 'cause they wouldn't even notice yet ANOTHER version'a Deadpool reappearing with alla these new feeb versions croppin' up left, right, an' center!

Hey, squirt; watch who you're insulting! I'm almost as old-school as you; but of course I'm way, way fresher in the hip-and-cool department. And everyone knows i--

*THUD*

Hah, that should keep him down for the count. DAMN, he was getting on my nerves. Listen, why don't we take turns sharing our insights with the internet? I mean, all this shoving is getting us nowhere, and--

Hey kids, it's your friendly neighborhood Spider-man, here to tell you it looks like another beautiful day in the neighborhood!

What the...? Who said that? What is this thing??

What? Since I can't snuggle with my puppy, I needed a substitute. And Spidey-Plush is SOOOO. CUUUUTE. And he talks! I couldn't resist. Look, if you squeeze him he says "Excelsior!"

Gimme that!

Excelsiooooooooorrrrrrrrr!

OMG! You threw Spidey-Plush out the window! YOU BASTARD!

Eh, don't be upset. He was holding back your development. You need to learn to exist without the crutch of--OOF!

I don't wanna hear it, Lady! HE KILLED SPIDEY-PLUSH.

Ah, he'll bounce back. He's made a'stuffing! Now c'n we get back ta the actual topic at hand here? Which is: WHY ARE THERE SIX OTHER VERSIONS'A ME IN MY OFFICE???

It's bad enough when Agent X shoves his fat butt in here and makes me feel all claustrophobic an' oddly like I wanna cuddle up on his sumo-esque tummy, but THIS is ridiculous! An' now the me with the biggest chest is gettin' her own comic? An' I'm gonna be on the cover'a 24 other comics in one month? Sandi's goin' crazy tryin' ta book alla my appointments, an' I can't even HIRE people ta fill in fer me anymore. Tasky just stormed out in a huff 'cause Sandi double-booked him fer a merc job as himself an' a cover shot as Iron Man me last week. An' I can't even remember what day it is anymore 'cause I been so busy runnin' all over town posin' with the Fantastic Four an' tormentin' Daredevil. Don' get me wrong, I like being busy, but THIS IS GETTIN' EXHAUSTING. What th' hell's goin' on here?

Didn't you hear, soldier? You're the hottest property around right now! It's the culmination of a rise in popularity that's been on slow burn since shortly before that ridiculous Wolverine movie came out. All the movie hype brought you to the attention of the mainstream and caused Marvel to give you more page-time; pre-Department K you was the best part of that haphazard movie; and now that BAMF Ryan Reynolds is going to play you again in Deadpool, you're hot stuff!

Well, I mean, yeah, I know I got more fans now than I used ta, an' there's gonna be a movie an' all, an' I'm real excited about that, but I thought it was 'cause...I'm bloggin' now...and...I have a Twitter...?

Don't be silly! It's because you landed a small role in a movie that starred WOLVERINE, so people who'd never heard of you are now your fans, and Marvel only knows one way to deal with a rising star: overexploit him until the public can't take it anymore! Why do you think there's that persistent subsection of fans who hate Wolverine so much? It's because Marvel did the same thing to him, and some people eventually got sick of it!

So what yer sayin' is...I'm gonna be th' next Wolverine?!

Honey, you already are. You're Marvel's next big hero fixation! Guest appearances in pretty much every book? Encounters with a collection of random spin-off characters? A book about you and your zombie head? TWENTY FOUR variant covers in one month?** Me maybe getting my own book? I thought you'd already realized this: we have hit THE BIG TIME, baby!

Hang on, hang on. The whole point of Deadpool is that he's not a mainstream hero or even anti-hero, an' he's not a villain either; he's both. I mean, look up amoral in th' dictionary an' you're gonna find that dude's ugly mug starin' right back atchya. Trust me on this, I'm his CLONE. An' that's why Deadpool c'n do things other Marvel cats can't: because his every action doesn't have ta be a show'a heroism fer the kids or affect the whole freakin' universe. How else could he get away with stuff like punchin' out Kitty Pryde or rochambeauin' Captain America? Terrorizin' mental patients in the loony bin? Encouragin' crazy folks ta kill judges just so's they can feel better? I could go on forever, here!

...So then how's this-here newfangled fame going t'affect the Merc with a Mouth? I mean, besides occasionally giving him some right smart podners like me, The Deadpool Kid?

Ah, we all know what's gonna happen; I mean, it's already started. He's gonna get a little less zany an' fun, an' a little more mainstream, 'cause editors actually pay attention ta what goes in th' books that everybody's buying, an' he's gonna show up everywhere they c'n wedge his little symbol in, and the market'll be flooded, an' then after awhile people are gonna get tired'a him.

Oh yeah, an' foresthouse is gonna go either broke er crazy er both tryin' ta collect alla his appearances. Or her comic book lady is gonna shoot 'er inna heart fer callin' up at all hours'a th' day ta add YET ANOTHER Deadpool comic ta the purchase list. Ah, foresthouse: We'll miss ya!

Hey now! I like foresthouse. AND having fans who aren't sick of me. An' I don't wanna be all boring and mainstream. So...I can't believe I'm about ta say this, but:

Marvel? STOP PUTTING ME ON, IN, AN' AROUND EVERY SINGLE COMIC YOU'VE GOT. STOP MAKING THE FANS GO NUTS TRYIN' TA GET THAT ONE COVER WHERE ONLY MY ELBOW APPEARS, OR PAY OVER $100 FOR A VARIANT COVER, OR LOCATE A MARBLE WITH ME IN IT THAT APPARENTLY DOESN'T EVEN EXIST. STOP WATERING DOWN MY CHARACTER BY GIVING ME 100 SPIN-OFF APPEARANCES, BECAUSE I'M *ALREADY* HALF-SCHIZOPHRENIC OVER HERE AND I REALLY DON'T NEED ANY MORE'A THAT. The reason I'm so awesome is that I'm ME, and now I'm hearin' that what yer doin' is gonna change all that. Nice as it is ta be able ta whip out th' X-Men Club Card at th' local Starbucks (what? I lifted if off the angsty one-eyed wussbucket while he was oglin' Emma Frost), I DON'T want ta be th' next Wolverine. I want ta be me. An' that means not makin' me work so hard that even me an' my healin' factor can't keep up.

So you wanna know what you gotta do? Stop messin' around with a variation of that insane T-Ray storyline where a million-billion versions'a me came outta that weird deus ex machina star thingie, and start huntin' down ONE OR TWO awesome writers like Joe! Kelly! or Fabian Nicieza or Gail Simone ta write ONE OR MAYBE TWO awesome continuous books in which I am once again 100% pure ME. (And in which Pool-o-vision never existed, plsthx.) OK? Got it? GOOD. Then maybe by the time my movie comes around fans won't be totally broke an' exhausted an' pissed off by trying ta track down every single comic book in th' world in case my left toe is featured, or by readin' storylines that totally change my character 'cause the writers just don't get my faaaabulously unique personality.

Oh, an' by the way? If I'm th' hottest property around, how come *I* don't have a talkin' plushy yet? If yer gonna exploit me, at least do it by sellin' some awesome merch. Ya hear me? GET ON THAT.

P.S. Wouldn't say no to a Deadpool voodoo doll, neither. But only if you c'n do the matchin' Cable doll, too. I'm a symmetrist. Gotta have the pair!

P.P.S. Now, alla you knock-off Deadpool mooks? GET TH' HELL OUTTA MY OFFICE.

...

'Cept you, Headpool. You c'n stay.






** Editor's Note: This entire post may or may not have been inspired by Deadpool's rage at the fact that there is NO WAY he (or foresthouse) will be able to acquire all twenty-four variant covers in February. GRRR.)

Yo yo what up Gs and G-ettes? (Yeah, I am so down with th' gangsta slang, baby.) SO DOWN WITH IT. So hey, remember how I'm postin' my Twitter Asked and Answered Hollas on here now? Yeah, it's that time again!

Asked and Answered in 140 Characters Er Less

Part II: The Cretinaceous Period (Hey, didja know during this period the dinosaurs were called stuff like "muttaburrasaurus"? Fer serious! I'm thinkin' those ones tasted like mutton burritos er somethin'. That er the guys namin' them were just morons.)

ANYWAY.

...

BREAKING NEWS!! Bob'll be answerin' questions in the next journal entry. Leave yer Bob questions on today's post: http://tinyurl.com/olp5kp

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: who is bob ????

@EdWaRdSgIrL4: Bob's kinda a stray. Picked 'im up by accident on a mission an' then he wouldn't go home! Schmoe! http://tinyurl.com/rxubh3

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 S'ok, though. He's a pretty good cook. Weas gets jealous a'him sometimes, but I just ignore it. Weas gets so tetchy sometimes.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Oh, an' if ya wanna know who any a'the other mooks I hang out with are: http://bit.ly/kJID0


@ j4m3s asks: i've a question: i know my coleagues at work are doing less hours than me, what must i do?!

@j4m3s Ya know what movie I love? Office Space. Dude had the right idea: leave early when no one's lookin' & then come back & PWN the joint.

@j4m3s An' then you can set yer own hours, and walk around singin' about how good it is ta be a gansta. Total win.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 says: http://foresthouse.livejour... can you read all of this some of it is so small i cant read it ??????

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Hey, babe, mgmt. ain't responsible fer the teeny printin' at the link. An' I got laser eyes, so I c'n read ANYthin'. OH WAIT.

j4m3s says: thanks for your great advice. but i was waiting something that shot them in the middle of the eyes or anything like that :D

@j4m3s Well, yeah, there's always the easy way out. I prefer my inflatable sheep gun (TM) fer jobs like that. Flatten them with flair!

@Deathstroke_ asks: "How does it feel knowing that your existence owes itself to the awesome that is me?"

@Deathstroke_ And I reply: How does it feel knowing that I was already 500 times more awesome than you by the end of my first solo issue?

@Deathstroke_ But hey, man, don' feel too down about it. If ya wanna grab a brew an' unload about yer messed up childhood, just gimme a call

@Deathstroke_ Number's 1-800-BAKELITE. (Leave off th' last "E" fer weight reduction!)

Deathstroke_ says: This is why you'll never beat Wolverine. Your snarcky sense of humor will give you a fanbase, but it won't make you the best.

Deathstroke_ says: I on the other hand am a trained killer. I've beaten Batman, I've out run the Flash, I am the ultimate weapon.

Deathstroke_ says: I take no nonsene. I might not be as popular, but I'm deffinately more deadly.

@Deathstroke_ Matter of opinion, dude. An at least I ain't got insecurity issues that make me need ta grandstand on how great I am alla time

@Deathstroke_ But I gotta remind ya, I got a whole book called "Deadpool vs. the Marvel Universe" an' at the end, I COME OUT ON TOP. ZING.

tano_gooch asks: How long 'till you converse with Strong Bad about him copying your mask? He's still breathing: http://tiny.cc/VDG5L

@tano_gooch Eh. The dude's like, 3 inches tall! I ain't gonna bust his chops 'cause he thinks trying ta be like me will make 'im tougher

@tano_gooch Unless he calls me out 'er tries ta actually claim he's me or somethin'. Then I'll wipe the cement with his puny li'l gloves.

@JJMeylar asks: Dear Deadpool, I have a sweet tooth problem that I want to deal with. What should I do?

@JJMeylar First, ya go to th'store an' find some real nice, ritzy brand'a chocolate ice cream.

@JJMeylar Then, ya buy 12 cartons.

@JJMeylar Then, ya bring 'em all on by my place.

@JJMeylar An' then I might let ya have one.

@JJMeylar 'Cept if Agent X wants some. I can't be held responsible fer what that big tub a'lard does.

@JJMeylar So if he steals yer carton, don't whine ta me. We clear?

@gil_garcia asks: do u think that you can kill the chick in that stupid Education Connection commercial? There's a chimichanga in it for ya!

@gil_garcia Throw in an enchilada, an' I'm sold. U got an address or somethin'? Or am I gonna have ta lurk outside the studios again?

@gil_garcia Last time I did that I got in BIIIG trouble. I was like, "I'm a golden girl, I swear!" but they weren't buyin' it.

gil_garcia says: Ill make it two enchiladas since i dont know the address!

@gil_garcia Awriiiiight, if ya throw in some hot sauce an' chips I'll do the recon work for ya.

EdWaRdSgIrL4 says: bad news some combicbook magizine had a list of top 200 superheros. - deadpool was number 182- dumb magazine :(

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Ah, well, it was prob'ly written by monkeys jumpin' on typewriters with defective ribbons. An' I STILL got on the list!

@gil_garcia asks: hey deadpool, when you're bored, do you ever randomly blow off your head because you can regenerate?

@gil_garcia Nah, man, ya never know when yer mutant powers'll get sidetracked an' ferget ta grow yer ear back or somethin'.

@gil_garcia I mean, hasn't happened yet, but ya never know. Anyway, why waste ammo I could be usin' on someone else?

@Xanapanda asks: You're so cool, Wade. How can I be more like ya?

@Xanapanda Well now, I recommend starting by heckling Bob whenever possible. An' playing poker with Outlaw. But don't ever let 'er win.

@Xanapanda I don't recommend cancer. Or talkin' ta anyone from Weapon X's recruitment dept. Even if they offer ya cupcakes and ponies.

@Xanapanda Also ta state the obvious - fashion makes the man (or woman). Lotsa nice red-n-black'll totally help.

@Xanapanda Ah, who're we kiddin? There's only ever gonna be one me. Why not try ta be more like yerself. Don't worry. We c'n still hang out.

@TheReaperMan Great Gatsby on a pogo stick! Death, sweetheart, is that YOU? ...Wait... Ya look, uhhh...different. Genderically I mean.

TheReaperMan says: WRONG UNIVERSE. YOU WANT THAT TART THAT RUNS THE MARVEL SECTION.

@TheReaperMan Ohhh. So wait - yer th' one with the horse, right? I always wanted a horse named Binky! Can I ride her, can I can I can I???

TheReaperMan says: RIDING THE HORSE MAY RESULT IN YOUR ENTRAPMENT IN AN ALTERNATE REALITY. MEANS NO.

@TheReaperMan I been in a few a'those. Sometimes it's kinda fun; sometimes it tickles. An' then there was the time when I really hadta pee...

TheReaperMan says: HAVING SAID THAT, HERE'S A BOUNCY BALL. *passes* MIGHT KEEP ME FOLLOWING YOUR TRAIL FOR FIVE MINUTES OR SO.

@TheReaperMan Oooh, BOUNCY. Thanks, man. I like the black an' white. If I paint some red on here, it'll look just like my little symbol (tm)

TheReaperMan says: I'M SURE IT WOULD. *nods*

@TheReaperMan P.S. Can I keep this?

TheReaperMan: *nods*

@PyroGrrl asks: hey. How are ya?

@PyroGrrl I'm in th' mood fer some fiery passion, that's how I am. An' you look like ya'd be good at bringin' that, eh? *wink wink*

@PyroGrrl ...Oh, wait. Were you jus' bein' polite an' stuff? Hard ta tell with all this typin' and stuff. ;)

@elgato88 asks: so...how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

@elgato88 It all depends, dude - is this a *laden* woodchuck, or an unladen woodchuck?

elgato88 says: uhh..... unladen!

@elgato88 In that case, about a chuckwagon's full a day, during the month'a May, is what I say. Hey hey. I'm a freakin' fantastic poet, eh?

@mrsmulwray asks: Doing anything fun this weekend, Deadpool?

@mrsmulwray S'amatterafact, I am. Sandi got us a job with a stakeout at a fancy hotel, so in between murder an' mayhem - I'm goin' SWIMMIN

inlaterdays asks: Will there be a Speedo involved? ;)

@inlaterdays Speedo? Nah, I got custom trunks. Guess what they got on 'em?

@Lady_Phantom asks: Hey, DP! I was wondering what your thoughts are on you being in the new Hulk Vs. Wolverine show?

@Lady_Phantom I think it's FANFREAKINTASTIC. I mean, yeah, they made me way too skinny, but the voice guy was pretty darned good an' all.

@KamKhaos asks: What is more painful, arrows through the skull or watching Bob wee on your favorite rug?

@KamKhaos I loved that rug. *tear* Whereas arrows ta th'skull are jus' a temp'rary annoyance. LIke mosquitoes or somethin'. So: RUG.

...

An' I'm out, all ya gansta rappin' feebs!

Tune in next entry, where I swear I will answer more questions. Unless I misplaced that paper I wrote 'em down on again. Damn!

...

Boooooooooooobbbbbb! Where'd you put my pink frilly paper with all the notes on it?

Yeah yeah, I know I totally made fun'a those journals that post all their hollas (aka "tweets" SO LAME) an' whatever, but one'a my fans out there thinks I oughta be postin' my Twitter Asked and Answered stuff on here along with all the regular posts, sooooooo...hey, sounds good ta me!

(Pls. note the Asked and Answered Hollas will be separate from Merc Werc: The Deadpool Way. 'Cause that's just how I roll.)


Asked and Answered in 140 Characters Er Less

Part I: The Cablezioc Era (e.g. the first posts, from the time when Cablesaurs first roamed the earth. (I mean, he is pretty damned old, right? I bet he knew some dinosaurs.))


@_jynx asks: how do you REAAAAALLY feel about Cable?

@Ask_Deadpool: I can't tell you because this is a PG twitter...


@rockafire asks: Why did you let FOX mess with your character for the movie?

@Ask_Deadpool: BECAUSE I WAS TOO LATE TA STOP THEM FROM MAKING A GIANT MISTAKE BY BLOWING THEM UP. KINDA LIKE HOW LATE I AM RESPONDING TA THIS.


@The_Perry850 asks: why yellow caption boxes?

@Ask_Deadpool: Because pink is so passe. An' 'cause if I used black boxes, no one could read 'em. Not t'mention Black Box was kinda fruity.


@Steven1138 asks: whats ur favorite movie DP?

@Ask_Deadpool: T'day I can finally answer this: what's my fav'rite movie? One where I am a STAR an' they actually get my origins RIGHT. WOO


@smittytang asks: when are you getting your own movie? i hear (hear being used for sake of legalities) you got pooped on in the wolverine one

@Ask_Deadpool: THE TIME IS NOW, DUDE. DEADPOOL! WINS! (Thank ya, ItsJustSomeRandomGuy). I have ARRIVED. Quick, get me star-shaped sunglasses!


@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: are you exited your not dead and your gong to have your own movie?:):)

@Ask_Deadpool: You kiddin? I was so excited when I heard th'news, I bought th'whole office tacos! 'Cept fer Agent X. I got him a salad. Hah!

@Ask_Deadpool: In case any a'you feebs didn't hear already, I'M GETTIN' MY OWN MOVIE. I just drank 9 gallons a'vodka t'celebrate. Am feelin' a slight buzz.

@Mark_Currie: Congrats! You got your own moooovie baby!

@Ask_Deadpool: Thanks, man. I'm so super psyched about this. God, I hope I get at least one hot chick in my movie. Copycat, anyone? Blue is in

@GRHII: Congrats, I am excited. I hope they fix they holes they created in X-Men origins!

@Ask_Deadpool: Dude, I'd go further than that. I hope they f'rget X-Men Origins even existed. 'Cept fer the parts with the badass katana work!


@__Davros__ asks: Hey! Have you still been stitched up?

@Ask_Deadpool: The truth is, as they say in show biz, THE CAKE IS A LIE. There's no WAY I'd have let some psycho jerk stitch up my mouth IRL.

@Ask_Deadpool: Not even if he bribed me with hot women and fast cars. NOPE.

@Ask_Deadpool: Unless they were REALLY hot women and REALLY fast cars. Or motorcycles. Ducati, represent!


@Mark_Currie asks: Out of all the hot chicks in your life, shouldn't it be Siryn who's in it? Or Blind Al =P

@Ask_Deadpool: Hey, man, I'm all for gettin' Blind Al a lil part in this movie; I'd have nominated our beloved Bea fer the part, but...

@Ask_Deadpool: An' as for Siryn - well HELLS YEAH. But see, I knew 'Nessa before Theresa, an' I kinda assumed they might go early canon here.

@Ask_Deadpool: Not that I should assume these feebs even know what canon is. But after I carve a little reminder into their chests, THEY WILL.

@Mark_Currie: Oh yeah I forgot about Copycat bein your gal before the ole Weapon X program (please don't kill me).

@Ask_Deadpool: Nah, I don't kill fans. In gen'ral. 'Cause, y'know, maybe one day they'll give me money or something'!

@StJoan: i'd give you rhubarb pie

@Ask_Deadpool: I'LL TAKE IT. Send it on over, c/o Sandi. But make sure it's in a sealed container, or Agent X'll smell it right away and eat it all


@GRHII asks: How sad are you? I know you truly loved her! http://bit.ly/aGw5R

@Ask_Deadpool: I am sad, oh, I am so sad, OH! No, fer serious. I miss my Bea. :(


@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: have you read the articles online about the deadpool movie???- my mom says they said some thing about it on tv

@Ask_Deadpool: Sandi cut out a couple'a articles on th'movie fer me - any in partic. I should be lookin' at?


@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: do you want cable in the deadpool movie? i dont too confusing

@Ask_Deadpool: Well, I'm not gonna lie - I do kinda like hangin' out with the big schlub, when he's not being a total drag...

@Ask_Deadpool: But...yeah, if they try t'explain even a 100th of his origins, we'd be sittin' in the movie fer 10 days confused ta death.

@Ask_Deadpool: So: only if the writers were very clever but still managed to not make stupid shit that's not even close to the comics up.


@ToughTom asks: So would you rather steal another smooch from Black Widow 2 or get to kick Osborn in the nuts as many times as you want?

@Ask_Deadpool: Eh, I can kick Osborn in the nuts anyday without his say-so, but kissin' a willin' Black Widow? Now THAT you can't do ev'ry day!


@Ask_Deadpool: AND NOW I'M IN ANOTHER VIDEO GAME, FEEBS! http://tinyurl.com/prwurr What's with the boots, yo? I haven't worn those since I was, like, 16!

@Ask_Deadpool: Still. I AM BADASS, HEAR ME BLOW SHIT UP. MWAHAHAHAHA. And they gave me plenty a'ordnance ta do it with, too! *bounces*

@Mark_Currie: Those boots are AWFUL.

@Ask_Deadpool: Hey, I *said* I haven't worn 'em since I was 16! (I know, man, I know. But hey, everything else looks sweet.)

@EdWaRdSgIrL4: nice boots ???=) goin hiking soon ??? =)

@Ask_Deadpool: Watchyer wisecracks, missy. At least the rest'a me looks pretty damn good. ;)

@gil_garcia: awww no laser eyes??!!! hahaha jk. thanks for sharing the screenshots. that game looks badass!

@Ask_Deadpool: THANK EVERYTHING (laser eyes, hrmph *grumblegrumblegrumble*) Unless they included 'em as a special Doofus Achievement or sumpin.

@gil_garcia: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Good ol' FOX (Kill 0 enemies with Deadpool's laser ability)- 10 points

@Ask_Deadpool: Hah, sweet! Or, like, "accidentally kill 20 enemies by landing on 'em in combat boots" or somethin'. (Wait, I've done that...)

@JLopezCostume: doc martens needed a plug?

@Ask_Deadpool: rassmfrssm PRODUCT PLACEMENT. Man. Next thing ya know, we're gonna end up with one'a these in the game http://tinyurl.com/p6y9bk


@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: "is the game gona be any good"

@Ask_Deadpool: Hey, I ain't no soothsayer; so I asked that dude in the mirror from MUA 1 (Grampy? You so grumpy!) an' he said HELLS YEAH.


@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: "by the way who is Foresthouse"

@Ask_Deadpool: That's a top military secret. (Hint: wise grasshoppers can learn a lot from a profile page: http://tinyurl.com/pud3o9)


@inferno232 asks: Hey, my last name is 'Pool'! And some call you the 'Pool'! Can I file a cross dimensional lawsuit? Please?

@Ask_Deadpool: Tchya, good luck with that. Outlaw's an Internet Lawyer with a BIG gun collection. I send her after any guys who try ta sue me.

@Ask_Deadpool: Anyway, everyone knows I been around longer than most. So I gots prior claim or whatever legal wibbity-wob they use fer that.

@inferno232: In order to to avoid embarrassment and multiple gunshot wounds, I yield to your logic, Mr. Wilson. May your movie not suck.

@Ask_Deadpool: Awright, I accept your surrender. Anyway, I do try not ta shoot my fans unless it's really necessary. So yer safe for now!


@KarenB88 asks: Who do I need to threaten to get more Deadpool animated cartoon goodness?

@Ask_Deadpool: I heard some sorta rumor that if ya write letters ta Marvel tellin' them ya want more glorious animated me, ya might get some.

@Ask_Deadpool: FYI: Marvel Address to Write To for More Animated Deadpool Goodness: http://community.livejournal.com/cabledeadpool/34721.html


@gil_garcia asks: do you think it's a coincidence that Marvel hired Reynolds to play you and Scarlett Johannson to play Black Widow????

@Ask_Deadpool: I think the world'a movies is a mysterious, mysterious place. An' that ScarJo secretly wants ta cameo in my movie.

@Ask_Deadpool: Too bad fer her my rendezvous with Black Widow only just happened! I wouldn't bet on tha writers using anything that recent.

...

An' on that note, th-th-th-th-that's all fer now, folks!

Tune in next time, fer more old news, an' possibly some new answers. WHO KNOWS?

Hey there, my brilliantly bouncy borschts (say that three times fast!). Guess what day it is? Well, it’s my friend’s birthday. But MORE IMPORTANTLY, it’s th’ day that I answer some’a yer questions – startin’ with th’ ones that were submitted back in what may have been the Mesozoic era. Oops. Sorry ‘bout that. Got a lot of excitement at th’ Agency these days, what with all these other me’s wanderin’ around eatin’ alla Bob’s bagels and sayin’ how good they look in their uniforms. Also it’s Tasky’s turn ta decorate th’ office (I never said people could have turns, but apparently he’s all miffed that everybody else got ta do it an’ he hasn’t yet. Next thing I know, BOB is gonna want ta decorate. Odin help us all if that happens!) an’ he’s decided ta tear everythin’ up before he puts in whatever fancy-schmancy posh décor he’s got swimmin’ around in his Queer Eye For The Straight Guy brain (I shoulda NEVER let him watch reality TV!). So we got carpets and upended chairs and Loki knows what all around th’ place right now. MAN.

Anyway. On ta th’ questions.


drownthemoon asks:

Holy hot ham and cheese on rye! I have enough questions to number them now!

1. If you had to choose one weapon from your sexy large arsenal as your favorite, which would it be?

2. Other than the smiley faces, and the Deadpool motif, what other designs do your boxers have?

3. What is your favorite flavor of cake? Furthermore, what sort of frosting do you prefer?

4. Is a cattle prod an acceptable method of enticing someone to keep from repeating the same romantic behavior?

5. Why don't you have a harem yet?


Hot hijinks with a hausfrau! Yet another handful of numbered questions! Color me *surprised*! And psyched. And impressed with my own alliteration. Now then...

1. Ooh, this is a tough one. But I gotta say, ya know...I think it’d be the sais. I mean, sure, the katanas’re standard around here, but fer sheer looks, sais are pretty goshdarned awesome. An’ ya know, they also got three times as much pointyness per hilt. As my old friend Al would say (not the blind one, th’other one!), “ain’t that a kick in th’ pants?!” Or in this case, a poke.

P.S. Ooh, and can I choose “sais with decorative grenades on th’ handles,” or is that cheating? ‘Cause this one time, in Panama, I found these wicked sais with little grenades swingin; off th’ hilts, an’ MAN, those things were adorable. And handy. At least until I accidentally armed one while I was slashin’ some mook with it. Ouchie!

2. Ummm...ahhh...hang on a minute, k?

...

...

OK, I’m back! Had ta go hunt down Bob and the clean laundry basket (Bob’s good with th’ laundry. Almost as good as he is with th’ baking!). Lessee here, now...I gots some hearts, some clovers (Agent Casey ain’t the only one with th’ luck a’the Irish!), Daffy Duck, uhhh...what the...? ’pparently I got a pair with little recycling symbols on ‘em? Huh. I think Tasky’s tryin’ that “subliminal message” stuff on me again. He’s so prissy about stuff like garbage. Anyway. I got, hm, I got two sets with eyes on ‘em (blue AND green!) an’ a pair with cowboy hats. An’ the ones with grenades, an’ the ones with aces an’ dice, an’...man, it’s amazin’ I ever run out, isn’t it? An’ yet I always find myself havin’ ta resort ta th’ yellow panties after awhile. Funny.

3. My fav’rite flavor of cake is cake. Same goes fer th’ frostin! But, ya know, if yer question was, “if there were 100 different flavors of cake all spread out on a table in front’a you, which one would ya eat first?” then my answer would be...those big round cookie cakes you c’n get at the mall! With the icing that they put on them, whatever that stuff is. SCRUMPTIOUS.

4. If yer usin’ a cattle prod ta *entice* someone, I think yer love life’s a little on the kinky side. But if yer tryin’ ta keep them from doing somethin’ ya don’t like – cattle prods’re ok, but I say nothin’ beats a straight-up taser!

5. They’re on backorder from Russia. SOURFACE. (X^(


Next up...amejisuto wonders:

Dear Deadpool,

Any good movie or TV show reviews? What does a mercenary watch when he's not working? On the flip side, any show or any character that you hate? My friends and I have fun discussing how we'd kill off annoying characters we can't stand, have you ever done that?

Yeah, I'm twisted and evil. But a couple of these characters really annoy the hell out of me so I simply must wish that they'd be in a horrible industrial accident and get squashed by a shipping container while at the docks.

How much would something like that cost anyway? LOL

Ame


Ah, Ame, ma cherie, I’ve missed you! Wouldst thou go with me...to Detroit? No? Ah, awright, then; I’ll just answer yer questions. Ya know, I don’t know where the cool kids go fer reviews, but I hear foresthouse is maybe thinkin’ of doin’ some one’a these days. An’ I know cleolinda does some kick-ass recaps. Check ‘em out!

Around the Agency, I always gotta wrestle Tasky fer the remote (him an’ his pickin’ up new skills from TV. What’s with that? That’s not the point of TV!) but when I win, I watch...uh, pretty much everything. Does it ruin my street cred if I admit ta watchin’ Gossip Girl? ‘Cause I’m all about that evil schemin’ Blair chick. SHAZAM. But I gotta say, it’s gettin’ a little less fun an’ frisky these days. Hrmph. What else is on the clicker Mondays? Ah, gotta love House. That twisted genius. Man, he cracks me up. An’ FOX was totally S-M-R-T fer putting that show Lie to Me on next ta House – ‘cause now I gotta watch that one too. I mean, it’s got a hot redhead an’ everything! An’ then there’s Castle – true, the dialogue ain’t quite as snappy as me an’ Cable on a Saturday night, but hey, it’s Nathan Fillion. You gotta watch Nathan Fillion. If only fer the Best Firefly Shoutout Ever in the Halloween ep. Guess I’m not the only one who hangs onta old costumes fer years!

And, uh...ooh, I love me some Bones. Kinda reminds me of th’ good ol’ days when *I* was one half of a buddy movie team – ‘cept fer th’ part where me an’ Cable didn’t forensically solve crimes an’ stuff. Eh, close enough. Oh, and can’t ferget Supernatural – talk about blastin’ away and slicin’ an’ dicin’ things! Not ta mention Action Figure Castiel a few weeks ago was worth th’ price of admission. An’ then there’s Smallville—wait, am I allowed ta admit I watch Smallville? Hey, Marvel lawyers! What’s the rule on me tellin’ everyone I like a show about DC characters? Is that kosher?

...

Oh. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. ...As a matter’a fact, Ame, I don’t watch Smallville. Nope! Never seen it, not even once. Not even the ep where the JLA walks away from a giant explosion all badass and sh*%. Which would have been totally cool ta watch, except that I never watched it!

But I *do* watch Psych. An’ it’s totally not fer Dule Hill’s cheekbones. Not at all! Just like why I watch Dexter an’ Dollhouse – it’s fer the characters!

An’ speakin’a characters, yeah, there are some I’d like ta see take a long walk off a short pier. With cement shoes. Lessee, now; if I was killin’ characters, Jenny Humphrey would have a tragic curlin’ iron accident – ya know th’ kind where yer hair accidentally goes up in flames? An’ if she wasn’t already leavin’ th’ show, Thirteen would be accidentally poisoned fer sure – I mean hey, poetic justice an’ all that, right? After all, she did kill that dude’s dog that one time. An’ I’d definitely knock off Emergency Backup Cop #2, whatever the hell his name is, on Castle. He’d have th’ most boring death possible, so they wouldn’t be able ta make an episode out of it. And...lessee...ooh yeah, whatshisface the annoying angel who keeps tryin’ ta get Dean ta be the Michael sword would get a short trip down ta The Pit. Oh, yeah.

As fer pricin’, well, if it was a character I couldn’t stand, I might could maybe consider a bit’a pro bono work, ya know?


Now then...Michelle Nieporte / Lady_Phantom asks via Twitter:

Hey, DP! I was wondering what your thoughts are on you being in the new Hulk Vs. Wolverine show?


Well, my phantasmic friend, I gotta say, not only am I super-psyched to *finally* be featured in animation as more than a second’s hallucination in ol’ Wolvie’s mind, but I’m also completely, totally, over-the-topally in love with th’ dude who did my voice-overs. Fer serious: Nolan North, I’m gonna hunt you down an’ buy you flowers an’ propose a lifelong business arrangement in which you do my voice-overs fer all my future animations (unless, a’course, *I’m* not too busy ta do ‘em). An’ then I’m gonna kidnap ya and run off ta Doctor Strange’s lair so’s he can work his crazy magic an’ send us back in time so’s you can do my voiceovers from Marvel Ultimate Alliance I, too. ‘Cause I don’t care how long I lived in San Francisco, I never sounded like a Californ-eye-aye surfer dude.

Oh, an’ as fer my actual screen time in the movie? I gotta say, animated me ROCKS. An’ should totally get a whole animated show of which he (I?) is (am? Man, this is so confusin’) th’ star.

Raise yer hand if you agree with me on this one. Yes? Good! ‘Cause at some comics convention ‘er another, the dude who worked on the Hulk DVD actually said that if enough fans wrote in ta say they wanted ta see more animated me, it might work! So why don’t ya all get out yer pencils (‘cause I know you’re kickin’ it old school) an’ write ta:

Marvel Studios
9242 Beverly Boulevard
Suite 350
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

To tell ‘em you think I should get my own animated movie!


An’ one more fer today. lady_of_mists writes:

Dear Deadpool:

A certain lovely, possibly a low level psionic being is temporarily out of work. At her previous job, she was paid a decent living wage. Now she is not making enough money to pay for Important Things in life -- like Deadpool comics, movie tickets, Wii game systems, trips to England to stalk superheroes, or even brand name cookies. Should the certain LPALLPB take a job (if offered) which would pay much less than the job that she had before, but more than unemployment -- or should she hold out for only the best of jobs as would suit her stature?

All the best! Lady_of_Mists


Well well, m’lady, we meet again. An’ as always, I got the perfect answer ta yer challengin’ question: there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING more important than bein’ able ta afford Deadpool comics. You do what you gotta do, little missy, ta get yer hands on those. Beg, borrow, steal, or take a job you ain’t too fond of, but don’t miss out on what makes life worth livin’. I mean it!

P.S. Also, eatin’, payin’ tha bills, an’ yes, Wii game systems are very, very important. So do what ya gotta do fer those, too, at least until somethin’ better comes along. Which it will. I mean, hell, I can’t even tell ya ‘bout some’a the crappy jobs *I* did while I was waiting (years. YEARS, I tell you) fer my character ta get bigger’n Ye Old Hairy Canadian Claw Master, but hey, it’s finally happened – I’ve hit the JACKPOT, baby; an’ you will too. Swear.


An’ that’s all I got time for today, folks. So until next time, keep ‘em pointy an' polished!

H-Hey everybody! Bob, Agent of HY--, er, I mean, President of Mr. Wilson's Fan Club, here! Hail Mr. Wilson! Mr. Wilson (who also goes by Deadpool, of course) has finally let me out of the kitchen long enough to answer all the amazingly wonderful questions you nice, kind, fantastic people have sent in to show how much you like me and want to hear from me. Aiieeeeek!!!

...

Oops. Sorry! I thought I saw a mouse, and I had to deploy HYDRA Strategic Maneuver #301, Squeaking Like A Rodent And Jumping On The Couch, which, you know, when I think about it, wouldn't squeaking like a rodent when you see a rodent maybe be like you were doing a mating call or something? Which would attract the rodent? Huh. Well maybe not. I mean, I guess...I guess HYDRA knows best. After Mr. Wilson, of course.

Mr. Wilson's so great. He's been trying to teach me some new tricks, like Holding A Katana, and Pointing A Gun, and Not Running From Fists, and Throwing A Grenade After Remembering To Pull Out The Pin, but I don't think I'm getting along as fast as he'd like. (Alison always did say I was a bit slow. I thought she was talking about my chewing, though. You know, it's important to chew a bite 42 times before you swallow. Especially if you don't have a good medical plan that covers choking and things.) Mr. Wilson shouts a lot after a few minutes of lessons, and last week he put his fist through the Agency wall again after I hid behind his desk for the 52nd time. But he's so nice that he is still trying to help me learn. I mean, he says it's because at the level I am at now I'm “more dangerous ta others than a pigeon who's just eaten a big meal'a C4 an' perched on yer shoulder,” but he's always saying things like that. I don't know why the only HYDRA training classes I ever excelled in besides hiding were the ones like Killer Baking 101, Poisonous Puddings 265, Sharp Salads 322, and Arsenic Hors d'oeuvres 436, but Mr. Wilson lets me practice my cooking and baking a lot, because he also says we should “play ta our strengths an' surprise the enemy.” Last week he surprised an enemy with some of my Myoporum Muffins (Delicious and Deadly!). He said they worked like a witch's charm. I was very proud.

So I guess I should answer questions now, huh? Oh, except I have to tell you something else I'm so proud of: Mr. Wilson told me I could be President of his Fan Club!!! I mean, I had to cling to his ankle and beg for awhile while he dragged me around the office like a leg weight, but then he said ok! So now I am President Bob! Alison would be so proud, if she still answered my calls.

As President, I feel I have certain duties to Mr. Wilson, so I've been looking around to see what people are saying about him. And it turns out, Mr. Wilson has LOTS of fans. (Who should all become members of the Official Fan Club of which I am the President, of course. There is A Button that you can buy once you are An Official Member. There is also A Secret Handshake, once I figure out the rest of it. If you want to join, I think it's ok with Mr. Wilson if you comment here with your email address. I am not sure what I will do with your email address, except maybe send you a link to A Button You Can Buy And Wear To Show You Are Official. But I am sure I will figure out other things to do with it. I won't sell it to anybody, though. I promise!)

Anyway, as Fan Club President, I think now would be a good time to mention some of the amazing fans out there who have been doing all kinds of neat things in honor of Mr. Wilson.


Links to Neat Mr. Wilson-Related Things

I think maybe Mr. Wilson already mentioned these first two before, but just in case, I will mention them again:

The Deadpool Bugle is the place where you can read ALL the news on where Mr. Wilson will be appearing and what people are saying about him. It also has a Twitter feed.

Deadpool and Friends is where you can watch YouTube videos that are mostly about Mr. Wilson. The person who runs it also has Twitter.


And here are some I don't think Mr. Wilson mentioned yet:

I'm a Marvel...and I'm a DC. Here at the Agency, we love ItsJustSomeRandomGuy, but I don't think we've mentioned him before. So now I will! You should all watch every single one of his videos because they are all amazing. AND now Mr. Wilson is in several of them, too. Here are the ones he is in so far:

Hi, I'm a Marvel...and I'm a DC: Wolverine (Deadpool) and Watchmen

Hi, I'm a Marvel...and I'm a DC: Wolverine Heroes and Watchmen Heroes

Marvel and DC Keep on Trekkin' (Marvel/DC/Star Trek Parody)

Marvel/DC/Terminator Salvation Parody

Marvel/DC: The Hangover, Up, and Drag Me To Hell Parodies

Marvel and DC Talk Transformers (Marvel/DC/Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen Parody)

Yay, RandomGuy and RandomGal! (And RandomCat!)


What Would Deadpool Do? is by a couple of Mr. Wilson's fans who have made what I think is called a “mash-up” of Star Wars and Deadpool comics (not to be confused with my Monkshood Mashed Potatoes). As they say on TV Tropes, when you put two wacky things like that together, Hilarity Ensues.

ScarletVulture's Comics show some of Mr. Wilson's “unofficial” adventures. They are very, very good. I wish I could draw like that. But I can't. Oh well. At least I can bake!

The Merc With A Mouth Files page contains some of Mr. Wilson's information on some of the many, many people Mr. Wilson has interacted with in the course of his important work. Of course, it might not have all of the classified info. But that's because if Mr. Wilson told us that, he'd have to kill us. At least, that's what he's always telling me.

Kyle Robinson Customs is a place where you can get little dollies action figures of Mr. Wilson and other people he knows. The guy who runs this site is a big fan of Mr. Wilson, so he has many different versions of Mr. Wilson's costume and things for people to choose from. I only have 6 so far, but I'm hoping to collect a few more!

The Deadpool Forum is a pretty cool new place for people to go and talk about Mr. Wilson and comics and other things. Mr. Wilson's Number One Fan (but not President of the Fan Club, that's me!), foresthouse, joins in the conversations over there sometimes.


And I think that's all the links I have for now. If you know of other good fan places, you should let me know so I can put them in the Official Fan Club Files.


And now I really will answer your questions. Mr. Wilson says that since seven isn't much more than five I can answer all seven of the questions people asked me! Let's see, how does Mr. Wilson usually do this? Oh. Oh right.


youtubedeadpool writes:

Wow! Hey thanks for the shout out! It is greatly appreciated. I shall repay you with a question for Bob and some authentic New Mexican food if you ever come this way.

Question for Bob:
If you could kick any three people square in the nuts and get away with it, who would it be?


Gee, I'm not sure we've gotten to the Kicking People In The Nuts part of our training yet, although I know Mr. Wilson is an expert at that. I guess I will just have to use my imagination and pretend I am skilled in that so that I can imagine who I might want to use that skill on. Huh. And also I will have to imagine that my therapist did not tell me not to release my anger at myself and Alison towards other people, and to be tranquil like a babbling brook and all of that.

...

OK. OK, I think I've got it. The first would be L. Ron Hubbard. I mean, I know he's not alive, but if I had a time machine as well as a way to get away with kicking people, I would definitely kick Hubbard for making a cult out of a bunch of science fiction stories. I mean, not only does that give nice science fiction writers a bad name, but Alison's uncle Stewy sent all his money to those stupid Scientologists and he was still a crazy drunk who ended up falling off a trolley car and dying. I blame Hubbard. And also, what kind of a name is L. Ron?

I guess I'd also use my time machine to kick Michael Jackson's dad. A lot. He sounds like one mean evil man.

And I guess if I was ABSOLUTELY assured of no consequences...I'd kick APOCALYPSE in the nuts. Just because I could!

And now I have to do my breathing exercises for a minute. My therapist wouldn't like me getting all excited like this.

...

OK.


designatedhero wrote:

What was there not to like about Wild Wild West? Overly-elaborate death traps, campy villains, super awesome trains, Ulysses S. Grant?!

Anyway, onto Bob:

Let's face it Bob, you throw like a girl. You ever considered getting lessons? Maybe going to a baseball game and taking some notes?


I liked Wild Wild West, personally. But don't tell Mr. Wilson I said that!

Gee, Mr. Hero, I'm really flattered that you think I am such a good sportsperson. Alison was an All-Star League pitcher back in our hometown, and I never thought I was as good as her in the throwing department, even though she really, really tried to teach me. I guess I do throw a lot like Alison did, but then, she used to strike out a lot of people every game, so I thought that was a good thing. Huh. I guess I could go to a baseball game sometime and see how other people do it. But I bet most of them aren't as good as my Alison is. Was. Is still. Even if she's not really my Alison anymore. You know what I mean.


isntthatfancy asks:

Dear Bob Agent of Hydra,

The other day I had a math test that I'd consciously chosen not to study for. I didn't want my teacher to think I was stupid though, so when I came upon a problem that I just couldn't figure out, I filled in the answer blank with something I did know about: The history of Russia. A whole essay on it.

For some reason I didn't get any points, not even for effort! Oh Bob, with all your great knowledge, could you possibly tell me something that would have been a better topic? What would you deem worthy of points despite being not-math?


Dear Fancy Person,

I would think an essay on the art of stealth combat cookery would have impressed your teacher very much, to the point where he or she would have given you an A+. I mean, stealth combat cookery is a very exact kind of cookery – it really has to be done right, and you have to be very meticulous about measuring your seasonings and making little spaces for explosives to be hidden and getting the doses for the poisons right and all of that. And certainly after you wrote the section on How To Make Apples Grizwald, I am sure your teacher would be very, very impressed.


trashjack wants to know:

Dear Bob, Agent of HYDRA,

What the hell did Deadpool do to you? You know, when you two first met, and he was tiny for some reason (probably involving Pym Particles or the Rhino; I never knew what happened immediately before that adventure). When he threatened you with your own HYDRA ID card, you said that because he was so minuscule, he could not harm you. You clearly ended up being very wrong about that, but I want to know HOW wrong. What on earth did he do to you with that card? And why did you look unhurt after that?


Dear Mr. Jack,

Mr. Wilson is very, very tricky and smart in a very unique way that I like to call “The Deadpool Way.” It is very practical, kind of like The Way of Mrs Cosmopilite, but in a completely different Way. As in not so logical, just practical. And one of the practical things I learned from Mr. Wilson when he had my ID card in hand is that even tiny people, if they know where to push with a sharp plastic corner, can cut your eyeball right in half. At least, that's sort of something like what he told me in his tiny voice right before I decided I didn't want to find out if he was one of the people who knew where to push. My Way includes the maxim, “Don't do anything stupid that could get you killed.” And that would include disobeying Mr. Wilson, who could clearly get me killed in many, many ways. People who follow my Way might not have the most fun, but they usually have the longest lives!


lady_of_mists wonders:

Dear BOB, AGENT OF HYDRA Hail HYDRA!:

How would *you* go about keeping people in a hospital from waking you up every forty-five minutes during the night shift? Please remember that there are no locks on any of the doors (even the bathrooms!) and that this hypothetical hospital room is on the sixth floor.

All the best,

Lady_of_Mists


Dear Lady,

This one is easy. I would ask Mr. Wilson to go and make sure no one woke me up unless it was important to my own personal health that they do so. And then I would offer him money so he would do what I asked him to. He is very conscientious about doing what someone asks when he is being given money for it. Sometimes. Which is why I would also offer him the money in several parts, with the last bit being given to him after my release from the hospital.

And people say I am not smart!


benicio127 says:

DP! And Bob, Agent of Hydra Hail HYDRA! Answering questions!
How fabulous.

Question for Bob, Agent of Hydra Hail HYDRA!
Let's say you're in a desert and a scary dude walks up to you. Your training is to hide, but where do you hide? Do you stick your head in the sand like an ostrich? Burrow underground like a marmot? Make like tumbleweed and roll away?
Do tell!


Well, Benicio (Benicio del Toro, is that you? OMG I'm such a fan!), I will tell you that even in the desert a clever hiding operative can find plenty of places to hide. For instance, in our HYDRA manual, all of the illustrations of deserts had a big cactus in them to show that it was a desert situation. Since I am not a beefy man, I am sure I could hide behind a cactus with only minimal pain and tiny pricks to the skin. Also, in HYDRA Hiding School, we were taught that with the right willpower, humans can make themselves really, really flat. Like a hamster! So in a desert situation, I might lie down and sprinkle some sand over myself and then make myself really, really flat, thus looking like merely a Bob-shaped hillock of sand! The scary dude would never even know I was there! And of course, there is the age old run-and-hide-behind-a-sand-dune method. Most deserts have little hills and things. Once you are behind one, you can burrow in pretty quickly, given a sharp implement and the right level of fear as a motivator.

Nope, the desert would not pose a-ny problem at all, when it came to me and hiding! I am sure of it.

And now, one last question:


writerbunny asks:

Bob, Agent of HYDRA HAIL HYDRA!:

If you could go anywhere in the world on a week's holiday, where would you go?


Ooh! Ooh! That reminds me, Mr. Wilson promised me that next week I could finally go on that holiday he told me I could have two years ago. OOOH. And I know exactly where I am going, too. Geneva, Switzerland! I think it is probably the least likely place in the whole world where anyone would be shooting at me, trying to stab me, or even yelling at me. I can't WAIT!

And, well, I think that's all the questions you wonderful, lovely fans asked me. So I guess here is where I must leave you! But maybe Mr. Wilson will let me do this again sometime. It was fun, being out of the kitchen for awhile and answering your questions! I hope you had fun reading my answers, too!

Sincerely,

Bob, President of Mr. Wilson's Fan Club Hail Mr. Wilson!

Hey hey, my feisty little tomatoes! How're ya hangin? (Haha, tomato jokes. I love 'em!)

I'm just stoppin' by th' office ta pick up a new pair'a boots (you don't even wanna know what nasty stuff I had ta tromp through ta retrieve th' intel I needed ta "obtain" fer my last employer). But since I'm here, figured I oughta stop in an' post a lil somethin'.

So ya know those journals where people just post a buncha random Twitter junk insteada entries an' think it amounts ta fascinating storytellin'? You know what I mean. Like:


Look what I posted on Twitter today!

ha i fell aslepp again what is up with that

yesterday i ate a snadwich it was good

i don't really like lettuce though wat do you think?

my cat fell off the bed i am so bored

isn't twitter awesome i wish more people actually read this

i wonder if i should brush my teeth what do u think? nah.


Yeah, I hate 'em too. But, ya know, every now-an-then ya just gotta immortalize great moments in Twitter hist'ry, an' the first ever time I had a party that some'a you feebs crashed came to definitely counts.

( All I did was offer her a beer...hey, where'd all these people come from?? )

Hey, ya know what else counts as Twitter stuff that's *gotta* be recorded? The Legends of Ryan Reynolds, a glorious byproduct of #ryanreynolds / #deadpool week. An' that reminds me, if ya don't know already, I've declared this week on Twitter ta be "#ryanreynolds / #deadpool week" just 'CAUSE I CAN. So ev'ry day, everybody tweet somethin' with #ryanreynolds and #deadpool in it. Don't care what it is! Just make somethin' up if ya have to. Or help add ta our list of Completely True and Accurate Facts about Ryan Reynolds, also known as:

( The Legends of Ryan Reynolds )

An' now...I gotta go see what Sandi did with my spare mask. No rest fer the poor mercenary! So until next time, keep 'em primed an' prepped!

Bonjour, my brilliant little banana cakes! Qu'est-ce qui se passe?

Y'know, I got no idea what that even means, but Outlaw's decided she wants to learn French ta be all sophisticated and impress WB and whatever, 'cause last week they were at the mall pickin' out boots an' stuff and she swears he was eyein' some haughty French chick's holsters in Victoria's Secret. Me, I'd be less amazed by him eyein' one a'those A&F models they got wanderin' around shirtless sometimes, but nobody asks me. Whatever the real story is, it's been nothin' but French on tape in the office sound system for the last three days, an' even Bob's gotten into the spirit. Yesterday he baked up some Battle Baguettes – they're hard as a rock, but they make great stealth blackjacks. I gave one a try when Tasky came t'visit, and BOY, was he surprised.

As it so happens, I got a little down time right now (yeah, I know you thought you saw me down on the street th'other week, but y'know, who's ta say I didn't tell some other schmuck to go pretend t'be me fer awhile? Tasky was just whinin' about how he needed a job), so I took a poll as t'what I oughta be doin' just now. And the whole office said, “Get off yer lazy ass and answer some questions." Well, 'cept Tasky. He just told me ta go away before he stalked outta the joint. Sourpatch. We really gotta get him a girlfriend or somethin'. I wonder who we could hook ol' skull-face up with...

Anyways, by popular consensus, I'ma gonna answer up a few questions now, an' then I got a coupla announcements ta make.

Let's start with this one...


amejisuto asks:

Dear Deadpool,

What are your top five favorite horror movies? You know, the ones that scared the bejeebus out of even you?

Happy Haunting!
Ame


Well first I gotta say, sorry it took me until now to answer this question from OCTOBER. The months, they just kinda slip by when you're busy fighting zombies an' tryin' ta out-think Norman “Brush Waves” Osborn an' stuff. So, y'know, happy totally belated Halloween and many happy cavities. Now, then, lessee – favorite horror movies? Well,there's a lotta fun blood an'guts movies out there, an' it's real hard ta pick just five. So instead I'm gonna go with the top five movies I'd show to torture someone I'd just tied up with the horror of how BAD they are. 'Cause there are some movies out there that are so bad that the fact they exist just plain scares the bejeebus outta me.

The first contestant fer the prize of horrible moviemaking is...

Kate & Leopold!

Yeah, the idea that this movie exists pretty much scares me every time I think on it. I mean, ok, say what you will about the new Wolverine movie, but at least it didn't require Hugh Jackman to utter a line like this:

Are you suggesting, madam, that there exists a law compelling a gentleman to lay hold of canine bowel movements?

with a straight face. OR Liev Schreiber to go on fer ten minutes about dogs an' rainbows an' cracks in chairs until we were all bored stupid. (Betchy'all had forgotten Jackman an' Schreiber starred in a movie t'gether before Wolverine. I WISH I COULD FERGET.)

An' then there's the fact that a movie containing a line like this:

Behold, rising before you, the greatest erection on the continent... the greatest erection of the age... the greatest erection on the planet!

somehow still failed ta be either funny or interestin' fer more than three seconds at a time.

So, yeah – the knowledge that some yutz out there thought it would be a good idea to actually make this movie AND managed ta get it done totally horrifies me. As did Hugh's crotchtacular pants.

Not ta mention that's 118 minutes of my life I will. Never. Get. Back. Not even with a healing factor.

An' ya know, while we're on the subject a'scarily craptastic romance movies, can we talk about Tribute? I mean, kudos to Ms. Roberts fer gettin' one a'her stories on the tiny screen, an' I know sometimes Hallmark's hard up fer things ta air, but COME ON. That movie was so bad, I actually stopped watchin' it in favor a'shovelin' off the couch (no small task, I c'n tell ya!). The “I sleep in my boxers” scene? The sledgehammer photoshoot? CAN WE GET A RESHOOT, HERE? Pref'rably one that doesn't contain this?? (Except that the parts where people were tryin' ta kill her were kinda fun.)

Ya know what scares me the most about this movie, though? That anyone thought it had the right t'be on the same channel as MY BELOVED BEA. HALLMARK, YOU ARE ON MY NAUGHTY LIST.

So enough with tha romance movies, 'cause ya know, I usually don't even watch romance (that's Tasky!). Next up on the list has gotta be Nick of Time. You wanna talk awful cinema? This is the vid ta pop in the ol' machine. Here we got 90 minutes of Johnny Depp (completely amazin' actor!) runnin' around tryin' ta be a hero, and it's the most boring thing I ever seen. An' that includes the time some mobster mook buried me up ta th'neck in cement fer a week an' all I had ta look at was a dead beetle decayin'. (Word ta the Wise: Don't piss off the Maggia. They get their feelins hurt, they're worse than Christian Bale when you ruin his scene (an' they don't even have the panache ta tell you you're *&@$! DONE, PROFESSIONALLY before they stick yer ass in the wet concrete. Low-class schmucks.)) Th'best part a'this whole movie was the scene where the senator or whatever's about ta get shot and she does this panicked double-take tryin' ta find out where the shooter is. MAN, me an'Weas actually fell off the couch laughin' at that scene. I kinda don't think that was the goal a'the producers, though.

What'r we up to now, #4? OK, #4: Wild Wild West. It's a movie about the old West. With a giant freakin' mechanical spider runnin' around. WHUT? I honestly forget what the hell else happens, except fer the part where Will Smith rapped in a movie he was in, AGAIN. (I was amazed he didn't bust out with some lyrics durin' I, Robot, actually. I was kinda expectin' some:

Yo this is a story, all about how,
my life got flipped, turned upside-down.
The dude who gave me a mechanical arm,
jumped out the window an' bought the farm!
The robot I hated turned out ta be nice,
but the rest'a them tried ta get me iced!”

Fer real.) I mean, don' get me wrong – Will Smith'll always be awesome. But yeah, this movie totally lowered his cred fer awhile.

OK, now someone out there's gonna yell at me fer this last one, I got a feelin', but whatever – I tell it like it is, an' you got a problem with that, well, I'm always up fer throwin' down. BRING IT. So here's movie pick #5: Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. (Yeah, I wish it was BURIED on The Far Side of the World.) I know some schmoes out there love this flick, but fer real? Here's what I c'n remember after the 3.72 days I spent watchin' it:

Ship, ship, ship, CANNONBALL, water, ship, water, CANNONFIRE, blood, water, RANDOM SPLINTERING WOOD, water, ship, slippery decks, CLAUSTROPHOBIC HAMMOCKS, blood, VIOLINS, water, water, really quiet dialogue, HOYAY, water, ship, ISLANDS, ship, water, TOTALLY BLATANT HOYAY, water, ship, water, FIN (VIOLINS). An' the whole thing was all dark an' blue an' depressing. SNORE.

So there ya go, li'l Ame. Five movies ta stay away from unless ya love torturin' yerself.

And on we go!


Ooh, my favorite German charmant has written me again!

addygryff writes:


Hi there.

That's some awesome advice, thanks! ;D
You know, I'll totally consider getting into the [merc] business, is it possible to work past time as well? It might be just the thing to get some extra cash while I catch up on my studies...
If it doesn't work out.. what else could I do? Any ideas?


Ya know, I got all sorts a'ideas as ta what people c'n do in their spare time ta make some cold hard cash. I recommend a job where, if ya tell people what you do, they look at you funny an' then run away real quick. 'Cause that kinda thing makes me laugh.

Ideal job ta try fer this? Chicken sexer. No, it ain't what you think it is. An' it's not that, neither. Although I'd totally go for it if this sentence meant what any normal person would think it means: Mohamad "does" about 700 chicks a day, or three chicks every two minutes. MAN. Even MY healin' factor would be workin' overtime with that many women.


OK, so that's all the questions I got time for today, but like I said, I got a coupla announcements ta make, an' here they are:

1) Even though I KNOW all my loyal fans are payin' close, CLOSE attention ta everything on my journal, including my links list, I figured I oughta mention my two svelte, smooth, spectacular affiliates, as featured on the sidebar, 'cause I don't think I did that here yet. So, yeah: if you want to keep up on all the Deadpool news that's fit ta print (an' even I can't hardly keep up with it these days. I'm everywhere!) the absolute best place ta do that is The Deadpool Bugle. That's right, true believers! I HAVE MY VERY OWN NEWSPAPER. Take THAT, J. Jonah Jameson. An' if you wanna check out some YouTube videos by a big fan of yours truly, go on an' give Deadpool and Friends a try. Don't miss this dude's thoughts on my new movie, or his poll on which of my sweet-ass costumes was the best ever. (Quick answer: ALL OF 'EM.) Go on! Click the links! You know you want to.

2) Hey, you guys remember way back in the day when I did a poll an' asked if you wanted to see any other Agency members answerin' questions here? (Of course you don't. That was an ice age ago!) Well it's finally THAT TIME. That's right. By popular consensus, I will be allowing my pet pal BOB, AGENT OF HYDRA Hail HYDRA! ta answer a few of yer questions.

Here's how it's gonna work: Got a question fer Bob? Great! Post it in the comments ta this entry. Then, I'm gonna let Bob pick his FIVE favorites an' answer them in the next entry. An' hey! If he doesn't screw it up too bad, I may even do this again. (Don't worry. I'll answer more a'yer questions first!) I think Tasky's next in the polls, an' even though he swears up and down he doesn't wanna “waste time with your stupid imaginary friends” I know he's totally itchin' fer a chance ta say hi ta you all. (We *really* need ta get him a girl or somethin'. He's so mopey.)

Warning: Bob has informed me that if you ask a numbered question, he will NOT answer it. Apparently, numbered questions frighten Bob. He claims Alison used to number all her complaints whenever they had fights er whatever. So, yeah: no numbers for Bob!! He's allergic!

Until next time, my chill chimichangas, keep 'em oiled an' loaded!

Holy horny toads in a hot bayou, my fearsome followers! I am just about the slowest typist this side of Louisiana, ain't I? Ah well, quit'cher complainin', 'cause I just got paid fer a sneaky little recon job me an' Outlaw pulled, so now I can take a few minutes to sit back, relax with some of Bob's Icy Death Lemonade (Now! With Arctic Poison Ice!*), and answer some a' your ingenious questions. Please, please – try to contain your excitement.

OK, then...lookin' through the pile a'junk Sandi handed me on my way in...Ah! Here's one that's been festerin' in the mail heap for awhile:


docwebster says:

Greetings, o purveyor of awesometudeness. I bring you numbered questions, and true brain strainers they are, too.

1) What's up with the feebs at Marvel's website making it so dang hard to subscribe to your new series?

2) What's up with Outlaw chasing that closet case boyfriend-Fabio lookalike contest reject instead of basking in the glow of the mighty Deadpool?

3) Where the hell are my pants?


Oh, numbered questions, let me count the ways I adore you! But first, let me answer you!

1. First things first: anyone else here see the irony a' the Doc askin' me what's up? Yeah, I thought so. Now then, Doc, there's a very simple explanation here, and it goes somethin' like this: see, whenever Marvel prints an issue of my comic, the editors look at it, all shiny and pretty and new, and decide that you feebs don't deserve such a wondrous piece of artistry. They decide they want t'keep 'em all! (You know the mooks who work in comics are the biggest geeky collectors of them all, after all.) So they go an' sabotage the online subscription sign-up and order list, and then they lock all the issues up in The Special Vault. An' then the accountants start crunchin' numbers (as they do) and go on an' on about pesky little things like “cost of supplies” and “overhead” and “profits” and what-all, and the editors cry and pout, an' then the accountants haveta go down the hall and get Fred.

Fred's a little slow, but he's a big dude that don't ask fer much pay, so they keep 'im around for this stuff. So Fred goes and pries the new issues away from the editors, and beats up whichever one of them sabotaged the order list this week, an' everything gets straightened out. But see, Doc, this whole song an' dance happens every single issue, an' it kinda slows things down. So that's why it's so hard to receive issues of my awesome comic on time. It's because they're SO AWESOME.

See? Wasn't that a simple explanation?

2. You know, I'd say it's gotta be the hair. I mean, we all know I'm one in a million and three, here, but Outlaw's got this thing about pretty blonde hair, an' I ain't bin sportin' that for a long while (X-Force #56, anyone?). So I prob'ly wouldn't be much use on a trip t'the mall an' the hair salon, plus last time we went I may have accidentally, y'know, inadvertently caused some murder an' mayhem, and Outlaw hates it when things get between her and her sale items. Anyway, her la-di-da relationship with WB doesn't really phase me. Whatever barbeques her ribs is cool with me, 'cause I got my eye on a different gal. But I do wish Thor wasn't so goshdarned whiny.

3. In yer back pocket, a'course! I can't believe ya didn't check there already!

Now then, since I'm on a roll, here...


ghetto_ninjette writes:

Dear Deadpool,

I have a few questions for you!

1. Do you still have feelings for Siryn?

2. Are you even more embarrassed about being cursed with the face of Thom Cruz [after being cursed by Thanos for trying to hook up with Death] now that he's gone crazy and is into Scientology?

3. On average, how much do you think you spend on Taco Bell?

4. Would you ever consider Jack In The Box tacos?

Thanks for taking the time to read my questions!

<3 –Ames


Ah, my precious little Ninjette, your numbered questions have stealthily stolen into my heart and nestled there, right alongside my eXtreme love of delayed-detonation hand grenades. And now, to answers!

1. Well, I know th' mooks who run this LiveJournal carnival tend to frown on explicit written pornography, so in th' interest of not rainin' on their funnel cake stand, I'll skip over how much seein' Red spins my carousel, an' just say that I'll always have a little soft spot in my heart for th' stunning songstress – prob'ly the spot right next to my love of sharp shiny things.

2. Man, I was embarrassed enough before anyone went around jumpin' on couches and grinnin' like a monkey on speed all the time. Lemme just say, no matter how much I may have looked like the dude, I never got so excited talking to people about my belief in aliens an' explodin' volcanoes or whatever that I looked like I was gonna spit a lung up at them. AND that I would rather be cursed with immortality than that face. Whew, what a narrow escape THAT was!

3. Ahh, who's to say? Sandi got me an expense account there. She said it took some doin' – apparently no one else in th' known world had ever asked fer one. But then, I always knew I was special.

4. Are they free? Free for me? THEN HELL YES.

Anytime, baby. Now ninja on outta here and bring me a taco!

OK, one more before I go see if Agent Orca has left a single snack in the kitchen t'day.


spam_monster says:

...Well, I'm glad to hear that you still would want to team up with Nate after all that. Seriously, you guys are just awesome together. *fangirls*

But anyway, questions!

1. If you could get some kinda super tricked-out crimefi-I mean merc-work vehicle, what would it be? And what sort of features would it have?

2. What do you superhero/villian types normally wear under your costumes? Do any of them, you know, go commando? (Or just wear a little red thong like Tony Stark?)

3. Could you possibly find some way to jump into another comic book universe? If so, can you punch this guy in the face for me?-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adrian_Veidt
Because he really needs to be punched in the face.

I'll pay you in cookies. Or brownies, or cupcakes. Some type of baked goods. Please?


Ooh, numbered questions from the Monster of Spam! Shouldn't they all be asking me if I want to expand my mojo with the little blue pills an' things? Huh. Guess not. Ok, here we go!

1. You know those giant hamster balls? The ones where you can go rollin' down hills an' over th' water an' stuff? Well, I'm not sayin' that would be my transportation a'choice, but it's definitely gotta be a feature. Collapse one a'those down and pack it in the side compartment for the easy jobs, ya know? Because, I mean, what else strikes fear inta th'heart of whatever mafia goons you're about ta knock off like a Giant Hamster Ball A' Doom barrelin' straight for them? Gets 'em every time, I tell ya, right about when I roll on over their heads. Other features, other features...OOH. Well, a smoothie machine, fer sure. Sometimes a brain freeze is just what my bubblin' brain-pan needs. And a'course, some of us are easily distracted, so I guess I'd have ta heist one of Mr. Iron Man Stark's little smart robots to rig up somewhere so it could hand me my smoothies and take the ladies' phone numbers when I slow down at red lights and all that. An' naturally I'd have some, y'know, homing missiles, spike-producin' tires, crazy spy GPS tech, an' pretty much everything else you've ever seen in a Bond movie.

But where would all this custom gear fit, you ask me? No contest! In a tricked out, souped up Ducati Superbike 1198 S, a'course. Don't think I could fit it all in there? 'Chya! A'course I could. Look at how much Tony fits in one little suit a'armor and tell me I couldn't do even better with a Ducati! Not to mention their gear comes in my colors.

2. OK, now see, I don't go around spyin' on the other supercool peeps in their skivvies unless they happen t'be, y'know, women. So I can't say one way or th' other what Tony wears under that suit. An' there are some things us superheroes (like me!) are totally sworn to secrecy on, like how Emma Frost manages to keep her top from falling down all the time (but oooh, wouldn't you fanboys love to know how I found that one out). I will say, though, that those of us who wear spandex have a much easier time of it if we forget our briefs than kids like Tony. OUCH! An' then you got crazy bastards like The Thing, who pretty much wanders around in his boxers all day without anyone sayin' a word, even if he does look like magnified sandpaper. So pretty much what I'm sayin' is it depends a whole lot on who we're talkin' about. Me, I get by with just about anything I can find that's sorta clean at the moment, which usually means something with little Deadpool symbols on it, although I'm not above wearin' the green panties if Bob hasn't finished the laundry yet. I look pretty darned good in green. Yellow, too!

3. OK, I tell you what – if I ever get out of the crossover story I'm stuck in right now, I'll take a little detour downtown to Veidt's place and knock his lights out for ya. And you know? I'll even do it for free. 'Cause MAN, what a tool that dude is.

I won't turn down baked goods if they're offered, though.

P.S. Yes, to answer your other question, Nate *is* part pirate, thanks to his pirate captain granddaddy's shenanigans (although I'm not sure his granddaddy was the sharpest splinter in the tinderbox. Who builds a plane out of wood these days?). In fact, one of his middle names I always forget t'list is “Yaarrrrrr.” I think it's somewhere between “Christopher” and “Dayspring,” but who can remember? Anywho, I got him an eyepatch for his glowy-eye one Christmas, 'cause it was totally keeping me awake at night, but he refused to wear it unless I saluted him and called him “Yaarrrrrr.” He's very respectful of his heritage. What a dork.

An' that's it for today, my friendly amigos. Bob's cookin' up some South a'the Border specialties fer dinner, and I don't want to be late. You know how I love me some Mexican food.

So until next time, keep 'em revved and ready! (And I'm referring here to my elite fleet of Ducati motorcycles. You know, the ones I assume you all are buying for me as we speak. You haven't started signin' the papers yet? WELL GET TO IT. I accept both red and black paint jobs. Thank you.)


* Sandi would like to remind us all that Artic Poison Ice, while not harmful to regenerative wonders like me, is actually a serious matter that we should be trying to stop, even if it does leave Bob with less fun ingredients to experiment with. So recycle and save energy and and help stop global warming and all that jazz! Sandi thanks you.

Leapin' lizards in a Lambourghini, my fearless fans! I gotta admit I don't usually do this, but my No. 1 fan foresthouse gave me the big virtual puppy-dog eyes and asked me to pass along this little message to all my friends (that'd be YOU, feebs). An' I can't say no to a cute blonde with puppy-dog eyes, can I? (Even if they are virtual an' all!) So here goes. foresthouse says:

Dear Deadpool,

The new Wolverine movie is coming out soon, and they're doing a contest to decide where to hold the premiere. The town with the most votes wins. If your fans want to vote for their hometown, that's totally cool, but if any of your fans don't feel any particular desire to vote for their own hometowns, could they maybe go to the X-Men Origins: Wolverine contest site and vote for Washington, D.C. to host the premiere of the movie? (They can use the zip code 20005 if they want - it's a central DC location.) I figure it actually has a chance of winning since it's a big city. And then maybe for once I can actually see a real live movie star. Which would be exciting, yo. Especially if his name rhymed with, say, Buyin' Kennels. Or Blue Pacman. Or even, We've...um...ok, nothing rhymes with Schreiber. But he's cool too.

I promise that if they show up in my city I will take oodles of pictures and write about it and post things and stuff. Lots of stuff.

PLEASEIWILLLOVEYOUFOREVERKTHX!

Your bestest fan ever,
foresthouse

So there's that, then! And, uh, Sandi tells me if I don't start answerin' questions soon she's gonna take away the feng shui fountain she bought me last week for bein' such a good boss. So, yeah, I'll be doin' that REAL SOON (Because I love my fountain. It is sparkly.)

So stay tuned!

I CALL SHENANIGANS.

Just when I was about ta celebrate my lil old journal havin' FIFTY WHOLE READERS now (hello, readers!), I find out someone else out there in LJ land is claimin' to be me. What's up with this, yo? I didn't even know I hadda stake my claim. MAN. Every time I look around, some yutz is pretendin' t'be cool like 'Pool. Whyizzat? I guess it's just 'cause I'm so awesome. BUT STILL.

Look. It's me. Right here. Here I am, at home in my kitchen! No paparazzi or fake 'Poolmeister could get a picture like that, y'know?





And they don't even got no way fer me ta challenge this mook! What is this "first come, first serve" junk? Where's the part where I can challenge them to a duel fer my identity? THAT SHOULD BE IN THE RULES, FEEBS.

Hrmph. Well, just fer that, I'm gonna go ahead and...answer a question! TAKE THAT, fake 'Poolster.

OK, now. This one here's from noelleno, who asked me, way back in September (really, September? Great gourds of fire, I am a slacker!):


Dear Deadpool,

Who'd be your ideal sidekick, eh?


Well I guess I should assume we're leavin' out the obvious, here, right? I mean, it's not like I'd choose him or nothing, but he does share some DNA with me and stuff...hem. Anyway, if we're not talkin' 'bout stupid jerks who left me behind to go off and try to save the world, then I guess I'd hafta say...

Rex the Wonder Dog!

(Crossovers're allowed, right?)

I mean, who wouldn't want a super-soldier sidekick who was smarter than most humans but didn't constantly yammer on while you were tryin' ta make a speech yerself? He can ride a horse! He can swing on vines! He beat up a T-Rex! It's like having Captain American in canine form! Except I guess he'd have ta carry the shield in his teeth or somethin'. But whatever. Hands down, I'd take this pooch as a sidekick any day. Too bad he won't return my calls.

Hmmm. I guess I got time fer one more before I gotta go find me a late night snack. Bob made Homocidal Ham and Cheese sandwiches earlier, but I ate 'em all before 3. Damn.

OK, then. amejisuto asks,


Dear Deadpool,

If you could guest star on any TV show, past or present, which one would you choose?

Cheers,
Ame


Oh, now, this one's easy as crackin' necks in Sunday School. (Uh, not that I ever cracked anyone's neck durin' Sunday School. Really. Scout's honor!) No question about it, I'd pick FIREFLY! (What a shock, another great franchise FOX screwed up!) I mean, who the hell wouldn't want t'be a SPACE COWBOY? Not to mention me'n'Jayne would obviously be best buds, once he acknowledged my superior skills (and gettin' him ta do that would probably involve some fun knock-down drag-out fights, too! I promise I wouldn't kill him or nothin'. He's cool) and little Kaylee is the cutest piece of ass on two legs. RrrOWR. Sure, me an' the Captain might have a tussle or two now and again, and I'd have no use fer the doctor at ALL, but I bet River and I could have some GREAT conversations. Don'tcha think?


Oh! Bob just yelled out from the kitchen that he's finished makin' his new Calotropis Calzones. I can't wait to try one! Gotta go!

So until next time, keep 'em oiled and ready!