Ask Deadpool

We Put On Our Fancy Clothes an' Wave t'the Cameras

2011-02-27T01:51:13Z

Gooooood evening, kids an' cantankerous older readers! (Just kiddin'! I'm sure you ain't that grumpy!) Have we got a treat fer you! Ya know how there's that fancy awards ceremony thingie tamorrow? Th' one with the little gold statues an' stuff? Yeah, well not only was I invited ta host it this year (an' why not? I am th' bestest!) but I also stole Doctor Doom's time doohickey fer a few so I could show you all, TONIGHT, what's gonna happen tamorrow. Ain't you lucky?

So, ta see what this amazin' fancy awardsy thing is gonna be like, click right here!! An' enjoy th' show!

Now THAT is ART, BABY.

2010-10-07T02:00:55Z

Gooooood evenin', my fearless fans! And what're we up to this evenin'? Ridin' our manly scooters around town? Havin' enchiladas by th' fire? Spendin' some "quality time" with a hot-as-chili-peppers blonde babe in spurs? (If ya knowwhatimean?)

No? Well TOO BAD FER YOU. But cheer up! Even if yer evenin's more borin' than Tasky after he watches hours'a Ben Stein, Deadpool's here ta rescue ya from complete misery! How? WELL I'LL TELL YA HOW!

By bringin' ya th' second installment'a comics from that dynamically dysfunctional duo, foresthouse an' Marc Vuletich! Remember how a bunch'a you raised yer hands fer another comic last time? Well it worked! Do it again, an' ya might even get a third one. WHO CAN SAY?

And even more excitin': this time, th' comic was featured, along with foresthouse's article Why Ryan Reynolds Must Play Deadpool: A Fan's Perspective, on th' ReelzChannel movie news website! Go foresthouse! *highfive*

So head on over an' read that, ya feebs, an' check out th' comic there too, or, if ya want to, read it right here:

(Click fer embiggening!)

Also, check out videos of our very own Marc drawin' an' colorin' YOURS TRULY. It's pretty damned cool!

...

Comin' soon: more awesome madness an' maybe even some question-answerin' up in here!

The Greatest Collaboration OF ALL TIIIIIMEEEE. (Mwahahahaha.)

2010-09-11T16:37:52Z

After months...after years...well ok, after at least a buncha weeks...DEADPOOL'S BACK! That's right, feebs, I been away in th' UK but now I'm back in th' office, and I come over ta this here journal bearin' shiny amazin' gifts th' likes'a which you all NEVER seen before (no really. You never. 'Cause this is a totally new thing. An' YOU get ta see it FIRST). That's right! Deadpool [refers to self in third person, likes long walks in th' armory, now has a penchant fer Jaffa Cakes] has brought you kids a really early Christmas pressie: a COLLABORATION. Between the minds of geniuses (well they think so) - foresthouse an' Marc Vuletich. An' it comes in th' form of: A COMIC (the first a'many, they claim).

So: enjoy!

(Click fer embiggening!)

Now, who wants ta see more? Raise yer hand!

Okay, Who Moved My Sheep Gun? Tasky?? GIVE IT BACK OR THE BARBIE GETS IT.

2010-08-06T03:14:11Z

Hola mes amigos, from the casa de Deadpool! Or...somethin'? Yeah, I never really learned Spanish. Well actually I did, on that one job in Costa Rica, but I think that part'a my brain's re-generamacating right now. So all I can say is: vete a tomar por culo! Which means "good ta see all you feebs again." ...I think. An' it IS good ta see you - 'specially you devoted fans who miss me so much that you comment JUST ta tell me ta come back an' write on this here journal. I love you all, I really do! So this one's fer you, perras! Which a'course means "beautiful people" in th' original Spanish. Ole!

Asked and Answered in 140 Characters Er Less

Part VI: The Superfluous Division (Which smelled really really bad. Oh wait. That was the Flatulous Division. D'oh!)

...

@jadaily says: @Ask_Deadpool You really want Deadpool and Domino in An Affair of the Heart. Or maybe an affair of other parts.

@jadaily I may or may not deny this could possibly be the case in an alternate world somewhere.

@ToughTom says: @Ask_Deadpool That might get messy with that "bullseye" around her eye.

@ToughTom *rimshot*

Hey cool! Now you can rate @Ask_Deadpool over on Comic Blog Elite. Go give me 5 stars` or I'll shoot ya! ;) http://tinyurl.com/yf2bw2v

P.S. Yes, I love attention. YOU ARE SURPRISED BY THIS? #Deadpool

New Entry! My thoughts on my (#Deadpool) current popularity, let me show you them! http://ask-deadpool.livejournal.com/10985.html

RT @lastgeek: @Ask_Deadpool has a point and us comic buyers trying to get everything he is in isn't helping. I'm stilling to the main stuff.

. @lastgeek Heh, thanks, man. I mean, I'm all about people wantin' ta own alla my comics; it's just that it's gettin' SO CROWDED in here!

Aw, shucks. Thanks, dude. RT @lastgeek: @Agent_M Print this off and pass it around @Marvel: http://ask-deadpool.livejournal.com/10985.html

RT @lastgeek: @Ask_Deadpool As long as you get to sucker punch Osborn in the Siege storyline, all will be good!

. @lastgeek Hey dude, I'll sucker-punch Normie in ANY storyline!

RT @LarrysComics Just coined the term "Deadtrosexual" to describe #comics fans who ONLY read and collect all things Wade. Bunch of them out there

RT @YouTubeDeadpool Fine! I'm Coining "Deadpoholics" @larryscomics. Means the samething, but sounds less gay. Though i'd be down for "LadyDeadtrosexual".

@YouTubeDeadpool I like that. Haha, ya hear that, my faithful fans? You got a special name now!

RT @YouTubeDeadpool . @Ask_Deadpool i think i'm gonna start calling the Deadpool Fans Deadpoholics in my VLOGs.

@YouTubeDeadpool DEADPOOL APPROVES. #FTW

. @YouTubeDeadpool But ya gotta pr'nounce it "Deadp'holics" er it's gonna sound like yer callin' 'em "DeadPOOholics." An' that's just gross.

@handmadelion asks: What is the likelihood that there will be a scene of you reading your own forums in the actual Deadpool solo movie?

@handmadelion Very likely, if I have anythin' ta say about it. An' then there'll be th' scene where I go lookin' fer th' #Deadpool Marb.

@handmadelion Th' legendary #Deadpool marb: http://s3.zetaboards.com/thedeadpoolforum/topic/7278289/2/

@handmadelion An' then the scene where I come back an' shoot th' computer fer tauntin' me with a Marb that apparently doesn't exist.

@handmadelion Ah, who'm I kiddin'? That scene'll only be on the SuperBadassDeluxeMegaMercEdition DVD. As an Easter egg.

@handmadelion Shaped like a Deadpool grenade.

@cutebutpsycho76 asks: Deadpool: Does this outfit make me look fat?

@cutebutpsycho76 Nah, sweet potata, yer lookin' feisty an' fine in those togs. Wanna go out sometime? *wink wink*

@GrimDingo asks: If you get to make your own trailer for your movie, what would you put in it?

@GrimDingo BUCKETS OF EXPLOSIONS. Also, mackin' it with Copycat. B/c HELLZ YEAH, BLUE CHICKS. (Holla, Avatar? OK that was offensive oops.)

@GrimDingo But TRUE NONETHELESS. Blue chicks are so in this season.

@handmadelion asks: Do you like Drowning Pool?

@handmadelion They're ok. Mostly b/c @foresthouse has a Dr. Pool/Jagermeister shirt that is S-E-X-Y. #TRUFAX. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR.

RT @handmadelion @Ask_Deadpool; @KenPlume I just thought you two should know, we're having tacos this evening.

@handmadelion AND YOU ARE SENDING ME SOME, RIGHT, FEEB??

@jadaily asks: Don't you prefer chimichangas over tacos anyway?

@jadaily I accept all Mexican foooooodzzzzz. Although I endorse enchiladas frequently. Enchilada enchilada enchilada.

@MadiRuss What is your favorite winter sport?

@MadiRuss Curling because it is pointless and I enjoy that fact.

RT@jenvargas As a proud Mexican, I must share my love of tamales. Corn wrapped AWESOME is what they are!!

@jenvargas I got no argument with that. I like the Trinidadian kind, too, wrapped in banana leaves. MMMMMMM. Yeah, baby.

@jenvargas Pastelles, that's what they're called. I approve of pastelles, an' all you mooks should, too!

RT @HellRazerHD: @ask_deadpool Chalupa means boat!

@HellrazerHD Does it? Get me a boat fulla chalupas, then!

What up, Feeb Posse? Deadpool is in the hizzzzzzzzouse. Mostly 'cause it's snowin' like it ain't never gonna stop out there.

Even mercs with healin' factors like ta stay in an' keep warm ev'ry now an' then. Also, Bob made Chinese Lantern Hot Cocoa. Mmmmmm.

@gil_garcia asks: hey deadpool, I just bought Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2. Why is Zooey Deschannel so damn cute?

@gil_garcia 'Cause she's related to Emily Deschannel, who is S-E-X-Y. Even Agent Booth can't keep away. RrrrOWR.

@HamjamIAm asks: So, when you wanna go to Australia? I'm in! http://bit.ly/blCwwN

@HamjamIAm Awww, but I used to have a widdle wabbit, an' he was so darned cute, I could NEVER...how 'bout Thursday?

RT @gil_garcia (·|·)

@gil_garcia Did you just moon me, dude? Oh, wait. That's my symbol, ain't it? Aaaaanyway.

@MidtheKnight says: Wade love all your comments, and hey how'd you feel having ryan reynolds play you in X-men orgins

@MidtheKnight Thanks, yo! An' I LOVE #RyanReynolds, so that was sweet. Until...you know...THAT THING happened. But I don't blame ol' Ry.

@handmadelion asks: If you were to provide televised commentary to a spectator sport, which sport would it be?

@handmadelion Cross country skiing, but mainly in hopes that @mattfraction would make an appearance: http://tinyurl.com/ydgssmn

@gjrkow asks: do you ever wish you had thought balloons instead of boxes

@gjrkow Heck no! You c'n fit WAY more into a box than a balloon, an' sometimes, y'know, I got A LOT ta say. About th' Golden Girls, an'...

WIN RT @pandora114 Spiderman eat ur <3 out I have made Deadpool underoos for my 3yo little boy. He asked 4em. http://tweetphoto.com/13745916

RT @VictorGischler Come on, Kidpool. You can't even lift that gun. How do you expect to fire it? VG

@VictorGischler Kidpool would find a way.

Just misread Nine Inch Nails as Nine Irish Nails. Because Dedpool Kan Rede. ANYWAYS. I kinda like th' idea of Nine Irish Nails. Aye!

@krazynate05 asks: whose cooler? Spiderman or Iron Man?

@krazynate05 Spider-man c'n be fun, but he's so UNORIGINAL. Always tryin' ta be cool like me. But Iron Man? He's got repulsor beams! SHINY.

RT @pandora114: @Ask_Deadpool Iron Man. He's a pimp

RT @pandora114: @Ask_Deadpool But not as much of a pimp as Deadpool. >.>

@pandora114 DAMN SKIPPY.

@HamjamIAm says: @Ask_Deadpool Thursday is good. Your C4 or my TNT?

@HamjamIAm Eh, I got a ton'a extra C4 I was just sittin' around moldin' inta mermaid shapes, so let's go fer that.

@gjrkow asks: spider-ham does u think he wrong?

@gjrkow Wrong 'bout what, dude? His fashion sense? Maybe.

@krazynate05 says: just got done beating down captain america as the merc with a mouth!

@krazynate05 Sweet! Now, ta really be like me, tomorrow, go back an' fight side-by-side with him instead. An' then beat him again on Tues.

@HamjamIAm asks: Where's @ask_deadpool when you need him?

@HamjamIAm Hidin' in a crowd with Waldo. CAN YOU FIND ME???

Top 10 Worst Secret Identities: http://laserbrick.blip.tv/file/3238137 Thanks, Lem!

...

An' now, back ta yer regularly scheduled colonoscopy! Until next time, keep 'em tensed an' ready!

The mail came! I got That Thing I Ordered! It's like Christmas in July!!

2010-08-01T06:02:48Z

H-hey guys! It's me! Bob! Remember me? Your favorite sidekick? I know, I know - I haven't said hi in awhile. It's just that...well...Mr. Wilson, sometimes he doesn't like other people touching his things, and I really, really like all my fingers. Even the little one that's kind of crooked because I broke it when Mr. Wilson stepped on it last year. It was all my fault really. But I do like my fingers. A lot. So I don't want to, you know, lose one? Which might happen if Mr. Wilson sees me typing on his keyboard without asking.

So. Um. Mr. Wilson's not here right now, and I wanted to show you something I just got. I got it in the mail! It was very exciting!! And I knew you'd all want to see it, because you're such big fans of Mr. Wilson, just like me! But it has to be our little secret, ok? I don't think Mr. Wilson would really understand why I paid my hard-earned allowance for..well...a My Little Pony.

But I know you'll understand!

Isn't he the prettiest thing you ever did see? I mean. Um. The most bad-ass? That's totally what I mean! THE MOST BAD-ASS THING YOU EVER DID SEE!

See? He's great, isn't he? I bet you all want one too now. I know you do, don't deny it! But he's MINE, ALL MINE. Made JUST for me by Ponies of Dooom. And I will hug him and pet him and call him My Little Ponypool. YAY!

Well, I'd better go in case Mr. Wil-- just in case anybody is disturbed by my walking around so late. But everybody have a good night now!!!

It's always April 1 around here!

2010-04-08T16:26:02Z

Hey hey, my frisky fans! So ya know how in comics, time don't really work like it does in...wherever it's not comics-space? Yeah? Yeah. Well, that's how come I c'n declare that it's still th' very first'a April around here, an' therefore that t'day, tomorrow, an' in fact alla way through Sunday this journal is hereby dedicated solely to...

LOLDEADPOOL.

That's right! I wanna see those macros in th' comments ta this entry. The goofier, the better! An' th' best ones may just end up RIGHT HERE.

I'll start 'er off with one from my dedicated fan, addygryff:

I think ya get the idea. Now get goin, feebs! Those macros don' make themselves!

Remember When I Dressed Like Ant Man? Good Times.

2010-03-15T00:20:00Z

OK, so you feebs are gonna die when ya hear this:

I'm in th' supermarket (le supermarchet!) in France, 'cause I got this megamajor cravin' fer some Snackes Au Francais (that's French munchies ta you unedumacated feebs) an' this dude comes up to me all, "Zut alors, mon ami! Etes-vous DEADPOOL?" an' I'm all whippin' out the heavy artillery 'cause ya know, guys comin' up ta me ta ask who I am usually wanna kill me, an' he kinda reminds me a'the guy who's uncle I mighta maybe snuffed a few weeks ago -- an' then he goes, "Mais oui! Je t'adore! J'aime les questions auxquelles vous répondez sur le Twitter!" An' then? He bought me all my snacks. SCORE.

So, random French dude who's name was probably Pierre 'cause ev'ry French person is named Pierre: this one's fer you!

Asked and Answered in 140 Characters Er Less

Part V: The Havartian Decade (When all th' questions were soft an' cheesy, an' all th' answers were delicious. Woo! (This decade has not yet been officially recognized by the International Commission on Stratigraphy, which I totally did not make up.))

...

@lastgeek asks: Is there anything you wouldn't do for money?

@lastgeek Yeah, I wouldn't fry a Smurf w/a magnifying glass (ScarletVulture, WHATUP http://tinyurl.com/ygt9gd8) I'd do that sh*t for FREE.

@bunnnn asks: what can I do to train and kick butt like you do cause im only a small bunny but your really cool!!!!!!!!!!!!

@bunnnn Oldest trick in th' book, wee furry creature: file those l'il teeth a'yers until they're SHARP and POINTY! An' then hide in a cave

RT @bunnnn http://twitpic.com/owj2u - @ask_deadpool is tellin us a story about how he kicked captain america in the nads to get aliens out

RT @bunnnn http://twitpic.com/owuyy - now @ask_deadpool is tellin me how my brass knuckles look like crepes I didnt know how to spell it

@bunnnn Sweet, little vorpal bunny! I like these. :)

@gjrkow asks: that cuz he was not allowed to talk when he was u at the end??? they messed u up big time but maybe they do betta next time

@gjrkow Hellz yeah that's why! Those fools din't know what 2 do w/a good thing. WHERE'S MY LAWYER CALL HER IN HERE Oh hey She-hulk whatup?

@jenvargas asks: What do you think of @NASA?

@jenvargas I've been ta space. It's kinda creepy out there sometimes. @NASA & the astronauts are killer-cool fer going up there alla time.

@jenvargas P.S. Have you heard my new band, @NASA and the Astronauts?

@jenvargas It's me an' Domino, a guitar, a bass, an' a hamster on a wheel. #TRUFAX

@jenvargas P.S. Sometimes Rorschach does guest vocals, but we can't get 'im ta read th' lyrics in full sentences. Crazy little man.

@jenvargas: @Ask_Deadpool That's pretty cool, DP! I'll bet you guys would kick Harry & the Potters' butt in a Battle of the Bands!

@jenvargas Yeah, but I dunno 'bout Draco & the Malfoys. They might emo us ta death.

@I_Tenacious asks: Here's one. Why the hell did Marvel set up another account for you if they/you aren't doing jack with it?

@I_Tenacious WHO TO THE WHAT NOW? Where is this villain of whom you speaketh. Eth.

@I_Tenacious WE MUST ROUST THE IMPOSTOR FROM HIS THRONE OF NOTHINGNESS BEFORE HE BECOMES ENTRENCHED. Also I have a spare grenade.

@I_Tenacious Thanks dude. ...OH COME ON NOW, THIS AIN'T FAIR. If he don't post somethin', how can I reply an' tell 'im ta GET LOST.

@I_Tenacious Hey man, what's th' point'a havin minions if ya can't get'em ta do yer work for ya. EVERYBODY TELL @RealDeadpool I'M TH' BEST

IF HE EVER ACTUALLY POSTS. TELL MARVEL THEY SHOULD JUST HIRE ME TA BE ME FER THEM. I MEAN COME *ON*

GO MINIONS GO! RT @bunnnn @RealDeadpool i like @Ask_Deadpool hes tha best!!!!

@RealDeadpool BEWARE MY MINIONS WITH THEIR SHARP. POINTY. TEETH. (snicker-snack; snicker-snack. @bunnnn will getchya!)

@Jebroney says: id REALLY love it if there was a chance of u teaming up with weasel again...i miss poolboy :(

@Jebroney Ya know, I think we need ta go storm th' writers' lair, 'cause I got a few suggestions as ta my supportin' cast myself!

@ToughTom asks: Why is it all the other Deadpools on twitter are so sorry?

@ToughTom Cause all the other ones are pale copies of xeroxes of mimeographs of tracing-paper drawings of th' REAL me. Which is ME. #TRUFAX

@RedHeartTart asks: Do you think you could take on Freddy Krueger?

@RedHeartTart Psshya, what're ya, kiddin' me? He can't even leave town! You can beat him just by not being afraid! An' I'm not afraid a'him

@gil_garcia asks: have you seen the Proposal yet?

@gil_garcia Yes. #ryanreynolds is SO DREAMY. Jus' like me! That's why he'll be perfect ta play me soon.

@krazynate05 asks: What would @Ask_Deadpool do if a guy kissed your chick on the cheek even if the 2 are friends?

@krazynate05 HAHAHAHAHA show me th' guy who's nuts enough ta do that. MY BABE, DUDES. THAT MEANS BACK OFF. *grenade toss*

@bairdduvessa asks: does that meam you won't get me Sandi's number?

@bairdduvessa Hmm, not sure, dude. Do you have shifty eyes? A tendency ta beat women? If not, I might maybe could consider it. ;)

@bairdduvessa: @ask_deadpool neither.

@bairdduvessa Weeeeellllll, I'll see if she wants ta share. ;)

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: is ryan reynolds as good and cute in the proposal as in wolverine ??

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 CUTER. HE GETS NAKED which I totally didn't watch because I am into women. Only women. Hot women. In conclusion: WOMEN.

@JLopezCostume asks: Deadpool/Transformers Michael Baysplosion Crossover, y/y?

@JLopezCostume Oh HELL no. Michael Bay? *makes warding sign* Who did The Dark Knight CAN I GET THAT PERSON?

@JLopezCostume: @Ask_Deadpool what if Michael Bay explodes too? Someone will pay to see that!

@JLopezCostume Only if Optimus Prime falls on 'im outta the clear blue sky afterwards. 'Cause that'd be kinda funny.

@I_Tenacious asks: Hey, did we ever get rid of that other jerk?

@I_Tenacious Nah, he;s still hangin' around, not sayin' a word. But I don' care. We all know who the REAL "RealDeadpool" is: ME.

@I_Tenacious Actually, I figured out who that feeb is: he's th' version a'me from the FOX movie: aka Not Cool Deadpool.

@I_Tenacious That's why he ain't talkin' - HIS MOUTH'S STILL SEWN SHUT. Hahahahaha.

@BuddhaBBuddhism asks: Ive read just about every deadpool comic (that i know of) But when does he get the other extra voices??

@BuddhaBBuddhism The voices are tellin' me somethin' about some dude named Daniel...Way...and salad tossing...Wolvie? Is that you??

@BuddhaBBuddhism Oh wait. Now th' other voice is sayin' somethin' about tired gimmicks...HEY NOW. Nothin' I do is tired. I RULE.

@fableboyblue asks: so you battling Dr. Doom (via @doomwar) for money or chicks or both? You should eat something before you take him on!

@fableboyblue Eh? That ain't Doom. Doom wouldn't talk 'bout Taylor Swift all the time. ...Wait. Scratch that. Maybe he WOULD.

RT @fableboyblue has to be doom. NAY WAIT ITS LADY GAGA! I was fooled don't let this happen you you kids!

@fableboyblue HEY NOW don't you hate on @ladygaga; she's my kinda crazy. She wore a cape made outta a polar bear AND SET IT ON FIRE.

@fableboyblue: @Ask_Deadpool most definitely not hating on @ladygaga. You have to respect multi-talent.

@fableboyblue Anyway, I think @ladygaga c'n actually SPELL. Plus: POLAR BEAR CAPE. ON FIRE. Yeah, that's right, @Ask_Deadpool's a fan.

@fableboyblue An' women who wear masks alla time. Maybe @ladygaga is secretly a superhero/villainess. HEY IT COULD BE TRUE.

@fableboyblue: @Ask_Deadpool agreed. Akin to Dazzler, only...lots more flash.

@jadaily asks: I'm looking for a career change. What should I do?

@jadaily How 'bout citrus fruit dyer: http://tinyurl.com/yew7vhk Dunno if it's hard work, but ya c'd prob'ly snack some while ya work!

@gjrkow asks: x-force annual was cool cuz u fought dead acolytes, so when u officialy join x-force?

@gjrkow Shhh, don' tell! I'm already a super-secret member. So secret that not a single person knows I joined! Hah!

@HamjamIAm asks: If you had your way, what would you do about school buses?

@HamjamIAm I'd turn 'em inta portable awesomeness on wheels: hot tub school buses, pizza parlor school buses, observatory school buses...

@HamjamIAm moonwalk school buses (they'd be totally safe! *bounce bounce bounce*), armory school buses (fer when ya need a new grenade)...

@HamjamIAm fashion show school buses (shutup I ain't gay; it'd attract hot models!), personal rock show buses (hello, Matthew Good show!)

@HamjamIAm ...OK, now I'm really thinkin' I gotta get some old buses and go ta work on this idea. Thanks, man!

@ToughTom asks: Do you think Longshot could "get lucky" whenever he wanted?

@ToughTom I think he'd have a real good chance at makin' babies if that's what he wanted. Since his aim's so good. Hur hur hur.

@ToughTom Know what I'd love ta see? Longshot vs. Domino in An Affair of the Heart. An' in a fight, too, a'course.

...

Hey! I think...I think that means I'm almost caught up on th' ol' Twitterfeed. Which...ah, damn. Guess I'll hafta start answerin' questions again, eh? Just kiddin', kids. I LOVE YA AN' YER QUESTIONS.

P.S. I heard a rumor t'day that my friend who said he was gonna draw some little pictures fer me drew 'em. Stay tuned!

Vengeance of the Twitter Knight: How ta be Behind at Bein' Ahead of the Game

2010-03-11T05:33:53Z

Yeah, yeah, ya just can't wait ta hear what I have ta say about that BRILLIANT question ya sent in back in 2003. But yer gonna hafta wait! 'Cause I never did learn how ta do things in "a timely manner," whatever THAT means. So today, it's all about that fun game we play, called...

Asked and Answered in 140 Characters Er Less

Part IV: The Neoandersonozoic Division (Ah, that time of peace and prosperity when Keanu Reeves ruled the Earth. Remember that? Nah, me neither. Zing!)

...

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: who would win in a fight superman or batman ?????????? please me n my sis have been fighting over tis for 2 years.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Superman, unless Batman had him some Kryp-to-NITE, as illustrated in The Best Macro Ever: http://tinyurl.com/kva43v

@aristeia: @Ask_Deadpool Ironic... most people choose Batman winning versus anyone. I hate Supes, but I love that macro like whoa.

@aristeia Yeah, 's kinda hard ta argue against th' GODDAMN BATMAN.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: what happens if you call 1 300 deadpoo http://bit.ly/tTpXL

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 You really do get a t-shirt! Or Taskmaster comes ta yer house and beats ya up. One or th' other. Who can say which it'll be?

@Lachdanan_ asks: Did you go and see the movie District 9? If so, what did you think of it?

@Lachdanan_ Nah, haven't gotten ta see that one yet. Didja like it? Tell me if it's worth a watch!

@gil_garcia asks: why do you have such lame people asking stupid questions?

@gil_garcia Cause I'm like a movie star - they love me SO MUCH, when they get aroun' me they're all flustered an' can't think'a complex stuff

@Kil1ertofu: @Ask_Deadpool We're too intimidated by your awesomeness to ask coherent questions.

@Kil1ertofu SEE I KNEW IT.

@MadiRuss asks: Just curious, why do you point your toes so much when you fight? Is it a ballet thing or are you just naturally graceful?

@MadiRuss Ninjas do that when they ninj so they can poke dudes in the eye while fightin' - An I'm just the ninjaest ninja that ever ninjed

@thnksfrthmmrz asks: if i actually get to ask you questions.... WHO THE FUCK IS RED HULK?

@thnksfrthmmrz All I can say is we're only a coupla issues inta th' story an' I can tell already that it's all gonna end in tears. TEARS.

@thnksfrthmmrz: @Ask_Deadpool tears? well that's unfortunate.

@thnksfrthmmrz Maybe they'll be tears a'laughter. You never know.

@xXBlackVirusXx asks: why do things go missing in the laundry room & was it you that stole my new panties?I just gotem 2

@xXBlackVirusXx I blame the Eater of Socks. As does Terry Pratchett. He's one smart dude. And...well...maybe...Hey, I needed a clean pair!

@smittytang asks: when exactly is hasbro releasing the official deadpool mighty mugg?...I NEED IT,

@smittytang Actually, I dunno, but when they do, c'n someone send me one? I'm broke again. Stupid pirates who steal from other pirates!

@bairdduvessa asks: u are probably sick of this..but what does this merger with Disney mean for you?

@bairdduvessa It means I'm stockpilin' some weapons fer the inevitable moment when I'll haveta go an' TAKE OUT TH' MOUSE. Stupid Disney.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: disney bought marvel .... ????? what does that mean for you ???? im so confused

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Never fear, young padawan, all will become clear shortly. When the Mouse's chalk outline appears in my next storyline.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Either that er a team-up: The Merc w/a Mouth & Mad-Eye Mickey, th' Maddest Mouse in the Midwest: Together, they fight crime!

@rogue_1102 asks: I'm finding it hard to picture the Mouse in your duds....are you a D.D fan? :)

@rogue_1102 Ya know, I'm findin' that hard ta picture, too. Awright, all you artsy types - GET DRAWIN' - I wanna see Deadpool Mickey, NOW!

@Xanapanda asks: So what do you think of Disney buying Marvel, Pooly?

@Xanapanda I think findin' 12 ways ta answer this question is th' best part. Also: if they eff w/my mad skillz I'm gonna CUT A BITCH.

@zareonianwolf asks: Wade! Any news on the movie front?

@zareonianwolf *sniff* No. Haven't heard from my buddy Ry in weeks. Hope he's not too busy BEING GREEN to remember me!

@death_by_avid asks: which Disney character would make the best sidekick for you?

@death_by_avid Hey, that's a good one! Uh - Scrooge McDuck - he's a tough ol' nut AND he's a gazillionaire. I c'd totally use that.

@Xaphnea asks: Hey Wade, you sad the mannequin came to her untimely end so soon?

@Xaphnea It was fun while it lasted. An' the blind broad wasn't so bad either - but she was srsly lacking as an homage to my good buddy Al

@gil_garcia asks: I guess with the recent Disney purchase, is there a possibility I could see you kill Hannah Montana in the movies???

@gil_garcia HEY SIGN ME UP FER THAT CROSSOVER WHUT WHUT. Hellz yeah. Also: The Cheetah Girls.

@Kil1ertofu asks: Boxers, Briefs, or the best game of strip poker ever?

@Kil1ertofu 's that even a choice? Then again, who's playin' poker with me? If it's the Blob, I'll pass!

@Blazefire33 asks: Hi Deadpool, big fan, i just wanted what your favorite podcast about you is?

@Blazefire33 Hey man, ya know, I don't listen ta those much, but I hear yours is pretty good.

@Mark_Currie asks: Your very own Deadpool comic? ...Don't you already have like 10 different comics?

@Mark_Currie Yeah, but *I* ain't writin' any a'those! This one'd be by ME.

@CabaSafado asks: Are you talking to yourself or do you see little yellow boxes, too?

@CabaSafado Th' little boxes told me not ta tell ya. Shhhhh.

@WillMacklinShow asks: Coke or Pepsi?

@WillMacklinShow Chocolate milkshakes with sprinkles, dude. Chili's has got some good ones.

@pandora114 asks: thinking bout getting a tat done of U, where n what should U be sayin? (I'm a chick)

@pandora114 Dunno where, but I vote fer one'a my favorites: "My common sense is tingling." A la this pic: http://tinyurl.com/ygq429e

@freaks173 asks: What are you going as for Halloween this year?

@freaks173 Seein' as Tasky already dressed up as me, I figured I'd return th' favor. Then I'll hit on all the gals fer him. Score!

@ToughTom asks: Why are you my all time hero?

@ToughTom 'Cause of that thing I can do with two socks and a falafel. And a spatula.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: who is Blind Al??

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Th' lore a'the common folk says she was my prisoner/den mother/whosiwhatsit, but I say mostly she was a pain in my ass!

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 I miss that crazy ol' woman. Maybe I'll sneak inta her room while she's sleepin' an visit. Hey, it works fer vampires!

@M1A1DA asks: What hotel should I stay at in Las Vegas?

@M1A1DA The Bellagio, dude. YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH DANCIN' FOUNTAINS. ...That sounded totally gay, didn't it?

@RelayHuntersCrk asks: what do you think we can do, as non-superheroes, to help obliterate cancer?

@RelayHuntersCrk 'S a tough one. Well fer one thing, I guess we c'n give more money ta the scientist-dudes. I'll donate my last haul!

@RelayHuntersCrk An' then maybe we c'n throw all the tobacco companies inta the ocean, yeah? Hm.

@RelayHuntersCrk An' tell people ta eat better: http://bit.ly/1zLMH8

@RelayHuntersCrk I'd go visit th' kids at th' hospitals and try ta cheer 'em up, but I think it might scare 'em more...

@RelayHuntersCrk I'm such a nice mercenary, ain't I? Don' tell anyone, though, k? I got my rep ta think of!

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: should i put you on my superheros list or should i make a anihero list???

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Mercenaries got their own list, babe! It'd be too confusin' allus having ta switch us from the "heroes" ta "villains" list.

@pandora114 asks: Question, if you were to get it on with Lady Deadpool, would that be incest or masturbation? or what?

@pandora114 Ya know what it'd be? A WHOLE LOTTA FUN, that's what. But I think @robertliefeld may already have called dibs. SADFACE. D:

@bairdduvessa asks: can u give me some money so i can start my life over AND get an Outlaw tattoo?

@bairdduvessa Abso-freakin-lutely, dude! Send me your bank account info an' passwords an' all, an' I will deposit some cash toot sweet!

@bairdduvessa: @ask_deadpool sure all my bank passwords are alex>wade :P

@bairdduvessa WHATEVER, FEEB.

...

An' now, back ta my regularly scheduled infomercial-watching. Catch ya on the flip side, my freaky friends!

What's That Thing You Do? We Love That Thing You Do! Do You? We Do! Ooh!

2010-03-10T01:08:42Z

Ooh, another post'a questions I already answered on that thing they call Twitter. I'm so lazy, it's nearly unbelievable! 'Cept I know you'll b'lieve just about anything of me. Like you'll b'lieve I'm gonna answer yer questions in my next post. SWEAR.

But fer now, it's time fer...

Asked and Answered in 140 Characters Er Less

Part III: The Achean Eon (That time when I said painfully ridiculous things in answer ta yer questions. Wait...that mighta been every eon. Whatever.)

...

@omgzombieswtf asks: Who's the better current writer of you: Daniel Way or Mike Benson? Both brilliant bastards!

@omgzombieswtf I gotta say BENSON. Danny boy's ok, but I'll never fergive him fer Pool-o-vision. My brain's a LOT more crazy than THAT.

@ConanSlew asks: Oye Deadpool! Sabes hablar español?

@ConanSlew (& this goes fer all y'all from foreign parts) Wish I did, but th' part'a my brain that knows 50 languages is still regeneratin'.

@Jinxrave asks: Pirates or Ninjas? You can only choose one!

@Jinxrave Pirates, a'course. I'M a ninja, so I got no use fer more a'them around here. But I love guys who go, "Yaaarrrrrr" at everythin'.

@prescribeddrone asks: Do chongas like chimichangas?

@prescribeddrone Damned if I know - maybe ya should head down ta Miami an' ask one.

@ToughTom asks: Whats your advice for training a zombie head of yourself?

@ToughTom Ya know, I'd start with LOTSA practice biting and headbutting. I mean, my zombie head rocks, but it's got a kinda small skillset

@ToughTom We're workin' on our own "fastball special," though - an' ours is WAY better than the original.

@PissOnYouBitch asks: hey i got a question. what would have you thought of bruce campbell playing you in a movie back when he was younger

@PissOnYouBitch Bruce Campbell is a BAMF, so sure. Only thing I'd worry 'bout is his tendency ta kill zombies. I like my zombie head!

@EXISTunicornsDO asks: Zombies or vampires?

@EXISTunicornsDO ZOMBIES Gotta stick with fam'ly, right? My zombie head rocks OK, now who's gonna ask me 'bout ninja zombie pirate robots?

@HellrazerHD is confused: He says: Now I've seen everything ... someone posing as the red and black attack on twitter.

@HellrazerHD No posin' here, man. I'm the real deal. I got the scars ta prove it.

@HellrazerHD: @ask_deadpool good because the last guy I met dressed as deadpool was about 400 pounds and couldn't speak a lick of english. makes u wonder

@HellrazerHD Wonder no more, my friend. Anyway, that was just Agent X messin' with ya. He stole my *stretchy* uniform from Heroes Reborn.

@Mark_Currie asks: Ninja zombies or Pirate robots? Or Ninja robots? Or Pirate zombies?

@Mark_Currie Radioactive Teenage Samurai Robot Wombats, a'course!

@jamesdavidW asks: what happens when someone cuts off your head??? with a chainsaw

@jamesdavidW It smarts a little. 'Specially after Bob puts my head back on my neck an' it's becomin' attached ta me all over again.

@mrsmulwray asks: So, Deadpool, what are you going to get me for my birthday?

@mrsmulwray Go clubbin' an' I'll take out a contract hit on ya. But the nice kind. Where all the guys hit on ya all night. You'll love it!

@skeletontrees asks: so where are you taking me for our birthday on july 7? :D

@skeletontrees Abraham Lincoln on a pogo stick, I forgot it's our birthday in a few days! Uh, I gotta rappel down a mountain fer work.

@skeletontrees An' then shoot somebody. Don't ask. Wanna come? We can totally get chinese after the dude is dead.

@EXISTunicornsDO asks: Do you believe is unicorns??

@EXISTunicornsDO Nah, but I do believe in pictsies. Nasty little buggers! But handy in a fight!

@PissOnYouBitch asks: did you read your new series yet i picked it up today very nice by the way

@PissOnYouBitch What, you think I got time ta read all that - I gotta get my rockets ready fer tonight. BIG BOOM, BABY.

@CrazyInez asks: Hey Wade I gotta question for ya When ya pay me back for wreckin' my apartment, are ya gonna throw in some diamond spurs?

@CrazyInez I was thinkin' a'somethin' a little more...intimate, baby. *wink wink*

@Xanapanda asks: Just out of curiosity how much would it cost me to have you take out someone?

@Xanapanda First rule'a merc werc is I don't talk bout how much I charge fer merc werc on here. But we could conduct a private negotiation

@Xanapanda: @Ask_Deadpool Oh sorry. I'll keep that in mind from now on! Don't want you to hurt me the next time. ^^; So where shall it take place then?

@Xanapanda Ever been ta Manhattan? There's a handy abandoned warehouse we could chat in...

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: hey any news on deadpool movie havent looked in in a long time

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Here's th' latest: http://bit.ly/bhrbR

@miss_risible asks: So we're wondering how RR will portray you, but what would YOU do if your boss [WHO U HATE(!!!)] proposed to YOU?!

@miss_risible Well I'm kinda freelance, but I think I'd fall on my ass if like, Nick Fury or Cable proposed ta me after hirin' me...

@HellrazerHD asks: So is poolman a Mortal Kombat fan?

@HellrazerHD Well I WAS, until this whole Weapon XI thing...now I ain't so sure. I guess I should blame FOX, not Mortal Kombat.

@Mark_Currie says: @Ask_Deadpool DC have stolen Ryan Reynolds away from us! You could kick Green Lantern's cosmic butt any day.

@Mark_Currie Don't I know it! I just hope #ryanreynolds is going to do BOTH. If he throws me over fer GL, we may be DONE, professionally.

@gil_garcia asks: is it just me or do you feel a little betrayed by Ryan Reynolds over his hiring as the Green Lantern?

@gil_garcia Weeeellll, I'm waitin' ta see what #ryanreynolds says about it, ya know? If he'll still play me too, it's all good.

@NaTeSaUcE asks: yo wade! whats up? who'd be the last guy standing after a bar fight with you and wolvie? ya both gots the healin' factors!

@NaTeSaUcE Ain't gonna lie & say it'd be an easy fight, but I do have one thing Wolvie don't have: a teleporter. Gives me th' edge. So: ME

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: how do you feel about renolds playing green lantern ????

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 I'm gonna be happy fer him unless it hurts MY movie - then I'ma gonna be PISSED. Anyway, #ryanreynolds looks good in green.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 It brings out the seriousness in his eyes.

@Lachdanan_ asks: Who would win in a fight? Wolverine? or Darth Vader?

@Lachdanan_ Wolvie's got the healing, but Vader's got the Force. It'd be a standoff: Vader'd just create a Force field to keep Wolvie away

@YouTubeDeadpool: @Ask_Deadpool Yeah. Vader all the way. Force choke him to the nearest Airlock.

@YouTubeDeadpool A'course, if the question was ME vs. Vader, def. it'd be ME. But I can't tell ya how I'd beat 'im, or I'd hafta kill ya!

@feildmouse asks: why is the Suicide Kings mini so lame compared to all of your other books?

@feildmouse 'Cause it's not really me; it's Tasky. Sh. Actually, I didn't even read it yet. I'll get back ta ya on how he screwed up later

@zareonianwolf asks: Hey Wade! Besides Ryan Reynolds, who do you think would do justice to you on the big screen?

@zareonianwolf Ya know, at this point, I don't think I can think'a anybody else bein' me...damn. #ryanreynolds better be able ta do it!

@fullofwhoa asks: Dear Deadpool, I do not actually own any of your comics. Where should I start?

@fullofwhoa We here at the Agency consider anything written by Joe Kelly, Fabian Nicieza, or Gail Simone to be Word of God.

@fullofwhoa So I'd try out Deadpool (1997) 1-33, Deadpool (1997) 65-69 and Agent X 1-15, Cable & Deadpool (2006) 1-50. But any are good.

@Blazefire33 asks: Yo Wade, what do you think of that podcast dedicated to you?

@Blazefire33 I think fans dedicating stuff ta me is freakin' fantastic. Chimichanga!

@Mark_Currie asks: Hey Wade, I was wondering... what should I ask you?

@Mark_Currie Do I gotta do ALL the work aroun' here? Heh. I dunno, ask me how behind I am on answering everyone's questions. Answer: A LOT

@Mark_Currie But I swear I'm workin' on it! In between the slicin' an' dicin', ya know.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: hey any new updates on movie ?!?!?!?!?

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 No. *sniff* Has #ryanreynolds forgotten me because he likes green better? ...NAH. I'm sure he'll come through. HE'D BETTER.

RT @foresthouse DEADPOOL IN MAGNET WARS! Mwahaha! http://bit.ly/14WJMk

@Lachdanan_ asks: How come I can't find your comics at my local convince store I work at?

@Lachdanan_ 'Cause Comic Book Guy *personally* threatened Apu Nahasapeemapetilon and ALL 'is kind if they ever honed in on his territory

@Lachdanan_ #TRUFAX

@zareonianwolf asks: hey Wade! If you fought the Green Lantern, who'd win?

@zareonianwolf Depends, ya know? We talkin' in th' movies? 'Cause that'd be just kinda existential an' crap, me fightin' myself...

@zareonianwolf But in th' comics, ME, a'course. Even need ta ask? An' he'd be damnin' a lot more'n my lemonade http://tinyurl.com/mwf92d

@xXBlackVirusXx asks: HEY DEADPOOL!I just how many licks does it take to get to the center of a jawbreaker? forget tootsiepops!

@xXBlackVirusXx No freakin' clue. But ya know I built a sweet-ass gun when I was a li'l tyke, shot those things out like nobody's biz

@xXBlackVirusXx I mean, those things'r HARD. They make 'em outta 100 year old chewing gum'r somethin'

@xXBlackVirusXx Ya know, th' kind ya find on th' bottom'a th' seat at the movies? LIKE A ROCK.

@gil_garcia asks: will you be playing Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 when it releases next month, since you are in the game?

@gil_garcia Ya kiddin'? HELLS YEAH. Game me looks SWEET. ...Oh, 'cept I gotta wait til I score another gig ta get it. Money's kinda tight.

@gil_garcia I mean, guess I c'd heist it on outta th' store...but I don't usually steal stuff unless I'm gettin' paid. Or it's fun. Or...

...

Whew! Well that was a lotta typin' I didn't actually just do. Tune in next time, fer Wolverine's special guest appearance on the ol' blog!*

* Wolverine not actually appearing.

Our Number One Fan on a Podcast!

2010-01-31T20:49:31Z

Hey, fans of our fearless leader! (Um, that's Mr. Wilson. In case that wasn't clear). News from Mr. Wilson is that he's "totally comin' back from my nex' job an' answerin' some questions, real soon, I swear on Tasky's stupid skully mask thingie!"

But while you're waiting, we thought you might like to know that our Number One Fan (foresthouse) was on a geek-stuff-related podcast (Made of Fail) in the last week or so, and it's now up for download on iTunes and the podcast's main LJ community. True, foresthouse isn't anywhere near as cool as DEADPOOL, but she *does* help us out around here sometimes, and there's mention of Ask Deadpool on the podcast, so you might be interested in giving it a listen. (Other topics include literature, particularly Discworld and Terry Pratchett's Unseen Academicals.)

Here's the link!

Go download it, and we promise we'll stop talking about foresthouse and put Bob back on here to answer questions and share recipes. Maybe.

See you all around!

♥ Sandi ♥

P.S. Bonus! Hidden Deadpool wallpaper that appears to be NOT on the official Marvel.com Deadpool wallpaper search. See? We are totally on topic around here!

And this is why she's my #1 fan...

2010-01-30T03:18:26Z

Complete randomness, brought to you by Marvel.com and the detectoring skillz of MadCrazyFan foresthouse:

Oh, it's Deadpoolian! I love it! It's wacky!

Y'know what? I think they should do one'a these EVERY day. An' I ain't just sayin' that 'cause I get royalties ev'ry time they use my mask.

Belated Christmas Presents Fer All! (Yeah, I never could keep track'a th' holidays)

2010-01-26T04:43:07Z

Gooooooood evening, my little chimichangas! How's things out in th' land o' spice? Yeah, I don' know either. But it doesn't matter, 'cause I'm here ta tell ya how things are in th' land o' reindeer an' candycanes an' toys: they're black-an-white-an-cool-all-over!

That's right, feebs! foresthouse sent over those other black-an-white pics she's been hintin' at, an' now, fer your very own viewin' pleasure, I can present:

A little excursion inta th' land'a misfit toys!

Straight outta th' Marvel Digital Comics Holiday Special!

(An' speakin'a misfit toys, ya might have seen one'a them already, since our very own little Clone Saga escapee, a.k.a. Widdle Wade, made off with Spidey-plush soon after this story happened. BAD clone! BAD!

But that's not important now. What's important is: PICTURES!

Whoa, I didn' know they made THOSE in Santa's workshop...

Hey Santa? Ya see that big bug thing in th' top panel? He's kinda cuuuute. Can I keep 'im?

But I thought Santa was...jolly. D:

Is that the biggest stuffed Hulk in the world, or is Santa suddenly tiny? O_o

D'aw! Giant scary thing knocked over Spidey-plush! No wonder he was feeling unloved an' ran away ta join ~~th' circus~~ Widdle Wade.

Ninja candy canes FTW! I rock.

See? Even Santa thinks so. I'll take the Communist revolutionary fer $500, Alex!

Bet he didn' see THAT comin'! BAM!

Aaaaan' that's all, folks! Until next time, keep 'em smooth an' shiny!

...Oh wait, I totally lied just then! One more thing. D'ya like me? D'ya like this journal? Then rate it an' tell me how cool I am right now so I c'n stop bein' in the top 100 blogs an' start bein' in th' top 50 instead! Thanks, my faithful fans!

Bubblin' Brie in the Brain-pan! Who Are All These Hooligans??

2010-01-23T19:43:24Z

Hey hey, my freaky fans! It's meeee!

...NO! It's ME. The younger, cooler, better Deadpool!

What? Kid, shut it an' sit down. Yer a tool. Anyway, as I was sayin'--

Wait, wait! They don't want to hear about YOU. Let's talk about *ME*. Check this out; I have HAIR. Pretty, blonde--ouch! Why you little--

Soldiers! Stop shoving over there! There's only one keyboard and I need some elbow room! I can't even...Ok, who ate the burrito for lunch?

Don' look at me! I only do live and recently-deceased flesh. Non'a that beans an' rice stuff fer me. But I think it was comin' from that dir--OOF!

Hey, mister. If you don't quit blamin' me for yer messes, I'm gonna take my custom-modified Colt Peacemaker and shoot you right in your--

Will you two knock it off? I swear to Super-Skrull that I will turn this journal entry right around and not even post it if you don--

Dammit, why don't you just shut up already, Major Dragpool; and by the way, who stole my Midol? Listening to you mooks bicker is giving me CRAMPS.

I didn't even know that was possible. An' seriously? You're goin' with PMS jokes ta emphasize which one of us is the female Deadpool? Really? LAME. Man, I think I liked it better when all I had ta worry about was which schizophrenic colored box was talkin'...

Well, I mean, look at my gratuitously chesty body. Do you really expect the writers aren't going to play up the random female stereotypes all the time? Dollars to donuts they'll have me freaking out because I lost my favorite lipstick in the middle of a fight by page three of my next appearance. You know it's tr--

Hey, any'a you seen my puppy? If one'a you all shot him or somethin', I'm gonna be REALLY--

Shut it, shorty. No one cares about yer puppy. We can't even pronounce 'is name. And anyway, where'd you come from? Ain't you dead?

Well, you know how Marvel likes ta bring things back ta life. And what better time for me than now? I mean, no one'd even protest, 'cause they wouldn't even notice yet ANOTHER version'a Deadpool reappearing with alla these new feeb versions croppin' up left, right, an' center!

Hey, squirt; watch who you're insulting! I'm almost as old-school as you; but of course I'm way, way fresher in the hip-and-cool department. And everyone knows i--

*THUD*

Hah, that should keep him down for the count. DAMN, he was getting on my nerves. Listen, why don't we take turns sharing our insights with the internet? I mean, all this shoving is getting us nowhere, and--

Hey kids, it's your friendly neighborhood Spider-man, here to tell you it looks like another beautiful day in the neighborhood!

What the...? Who said that? What is this thing??

What? Since I can't snuggle with my puppy, I needed a substitute. And Spidey-Plush is SOOOO. CUUUUTE. And he talks! I couldn't resist. Look, if you squeeze him he says "Excelsior!"

Gimme that!

Excelsiooooooooorrrrrrrrr!

OMG! You threw Spidey-Plush out the window! YOU BASTARD!

Eh, don't be upset. He was holding back your development. You need to learn to exist without the crutch of--OOF!

I don't wanna hear it, Lady! HE KILLED SPIDEY-PLUSH.

Ah, he'll bounce back. He's made a'stuffing! Now c'n we get back ta the actual topic at hand here? Which is: WHY ARE THERE SIX OTHER VERSIONS'A ME IN MY OFFICE???

It's bad enough when Agent X shoves his fat butt in here and makes me feel all claustrophobic an' oddly like I wanna cuddle up on his sumo-esque tummy, but THIS is ridiculous! An' now the me with the biggest chest is gettin' her own comic? An' I'm gonna be on the cover'a 24 other comics in one month? Sandi's goin' crazy tryin' ta book alla my appointments, an' I can't even HIRE people ta fill in fer me anymore. Tasky just stormed out in a huff 'cause Sandi double-booked him fer a merc job as himself an' a cover shot as Iron Man me last week. An' I can't even remember what day it is anymore 'cause I been so busy runnin' all over town posin' with the Fantastic Four an' tormentin' Daredevil. Don' get me wrong, I like being busy, but THIS IS GETTIN' EXHAUSTING. What th' hell's goin' on here?

Didn't you hear, soldier? You're the hottest property around right now! It's the culmination of a rise in popularity that's been on slow burn since shortly before that ridiculous Wolverine movie came out. All the movie hype brought you to the attention of the mainstream and caused Marvel to give you more page-time; pre-Department K you was the best part of that haphazard movie; and now that BAMF Ryan Reynolds is going to play you again in Deadpool, you're hot stuff!

Well, I mean, yeah, I know I got more fans now than I used ta, an' there's gonna be a movie an' all, an' I'm real excited about that, but I thought it was 'cause...I'm bloggin' now...and...I have a Twitter...?

Don't be silly! It's because you landed a small role in a movie that starred WOLVERINE, so people who'd never heard of you are now your fans, and Marvel only knows one way to deal with a rising star: overexploit him until the public can't take it anymore! Why do you think there's that persistent subsection of fans who hate Wolverine so much? It's because Marvel did the same thing to him, and some people eventually got sick of it!

So what yer sayin' is...I'm gonna be th' next Wolverine?!

Honey, you already are. You're Marvel's next big hero fixation! Guest appearances in pretty much every book? Encounters with a collection of random spin-off characters? A book about you and your zombie head? TWENTY FOUR variant covers in one month?** Me maybe getting my own book? I thought you'd already realized this: we have hit THE BIG TIME, baby!

Hang on, hang on. The whole point of Deadpool is that he's not a mainstream hero or even anti-hero, an' he's not a villain either; he's both. I mean, look up amoral in th' dictionary an' you're gonna find that dude's ugly mug starin' right back atchya. Trust me on this, I'm his CLONE. An' that's why Deadpool c'n do things other Marvel cats can't: because his every action doesn't have ta be a show'a heroism fer the kids or affect the whole freakin' universe. How else could he get away with stuff like punchin' out Kitty Pryde or rochambeauin' Captain America? Terrorizin' mental patients in the loony bin? Encouragin' crazy folks ta kill judges just so's they can feel better? I could go on forever, here!

...So then how's this-here newfangled fame going t'affect the Merc with a Mouth? I mean, besides occasionally giving him some right smart podners like me, The Deadpool Kid?

Ah, we all know what's gonna happen; I mean, it's already started. He's gonna get a little less zany an' fun, an' a little more mainstream, 'cause editors actually pay attention ta what goes in th' books that everybody's buying, an' he's gonna show up everywhere they c'n wedge his little symbol in, and the market'll be flooded, an' then after awhile people are gonna get tired'a him.

Oh yeah, an' foresthouse is gonna go either broke er crazy er both tryin' ta collect alla his appearances. Or her comic book lady is gonna shoot 'er inna heart fer callin' up at all hours'a th' day ta add YET ANOTHER Deadpool comic ta the purchase list. Ah, foresthouse: We'll miss ya!

Hey now! I like foresthouse. AND having fans who aren't sick of me. An' I don't wanna be all boring and mainstream. So...I can't believe I'm about ta say this, but:

Marvel? STOP PUTTING ME ON, IN, AN' AROUND EVERY SINGLE COMIC YOU'VE GOT. STOP MAKING THE FANS GO NUTS TRYIN' TA GET THAT ONE COVER WHERE ONLY MY ELBOW APPEARS, OR PAY OVER $100 FOR A VARIANT COVER, OR LOCATE A MARBLE WITH ME IN IT THAT APPARENTLY DOESN'T EVEN EXIST. STOP WATERING DOWN MY CHARACTER BY GIVING ME 100 SPIN-OFF APPEARANCES, BECAUSE I'M *ALREADY* HALF-SCHIZOPHRENIC OVER HERE AND I REALLY DON'T NEED ANY MORE'A THAT. The reason I'm so awesome is that I'm ME, and now I'm hearin' that what yer doin' is gonna change all that. Nice as it is ta be able ta whip out th' X-Men Club Card at th' local Starbucks (what? I lifted if off the angsty one-eyed wussbucket while he was oglin' Emma Frost), I DON'T want ta be th' next Wolverine. I want ta be me. An' that means not makin' me work so hard that even me an' my healin' factor can't keep up.

So you wanna know what you gotta do? Stop messin' around with a variation of that insane T-Ray storyline where a million-billion versions'a me came outta that weird deus ex machina star thingie, and start huntin' down ONE OR TWO awesome writers like Joe! Kelly! or Fabian Nicieza or Gail Simone ta write ONE OR MAYBE TWO awesome continuous books in which I am once again 100% pure ME. (And in which Pool-o-vision never existed, plsthx.) OK? Got it? GOOD. Then maybe by the time my movie comes around fans won't be totally broke an' exhausted an' pissed off by trying ta track down every single comic book in th' world in case my left toe is featured, or by readin' storylines that totally change my character 'cause the writers just don't get my faaaabulously unique personality.

Oh, an' by the way? If I'm th' hottest property around, how come *I* don't have a talkin' plushy yet? If yer gonna exploit me, at least do it by sellin' some awesome merch. Ya hear me? GET ON THAT.

P.S. Wouldn't say no to a Deadpool voodoo doll, neither. But only if you c'n do the matchin' Cable doll, too. I'm a symmetrist. Gotta have the pair!

P.P.S. Now, alla you knock-off Deadpool mooks? GET TH' HELL OUTTA MY OFFICE.

...

'Cept you, Headpool. You c'n stay.

** Editor's Note: This entire post may or may not have been inspired by Deadpool's rage at the fact that there is NO WAY he (or foresthouse) will be able to acquire all twenty-four variant covers in February. GRRR.)

Holla Holla (Come on if you rollin' wit me) Holla Holla (The yellow boxes say hey)

2010-01-21T06:04:37Z

Yo yo what up Gs and G-ettes? (Yeah, I am so down with th' gangsta slang, baby.) SO DOWN WITH IT. So hey, remember how I'm postin' my Twitter Asked and Answered Hollas on here now? Yeah, it's that time again!

Asked and Answered in 140 Characters Er Less

Part II: The Cretinaceous Period (Hey, didja know during this period the dinosaurs were called stuff like "muttaburrasaurus"? Fer serious! I'm thinkin' those ones tasted like mutton burritos er somethin'. That er the guys namin' them were just morons.)

ANYWAY.

...

BREAKING NEWS!! Bob'll be answerin' questions in the next journal entry. Leave yer Bob questions on today's post: http://tinyurl.com/olp5kp

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: who is bob ????

@EdWaRdSgIrL4: Bob's kinda a stray. Picked 'im up by accident on a mission an' then he wouldn't go home! Schmoe! http://tinyurl.com/rxubh3

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 S'ok, though. He's a pretty good cook. Weas gets jealous a'him sometimes, but I just ignore it. Weas gets so tetchy sometimes.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Oh, an' if ya wanna know who any a'the other mooks I hang out with are: http://bit.ly/kJID0

@ j4m3s asks: i've a question: i know my coleagues at work are doing less hours than me, what must i do?!

@j4m3s Ya know what movie I love? Office Space. Dude had the right idea: leave early when no one's lookin' & then come back & PWN the joint.

@j4m3s An' then you can set yer own hours, and walk around singin' about how good it is ta be a gansta. Total win.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 says: http://foresthouse.livejour... can you read all of this some of it is so small i cant read it ??????

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Hey, babe, mgmt. ain't responsible fer the teeny printin' at the link. An' I got laser eyes, so I c'n read ANYthin'. OH WAIT.

j4m3s says: thanks for your great advice. but i was waiting something that shot them in the middle of the eyes or anything like that :D

@j4m3s Well, yeah, there's always the easy way out. I prefer my inflatable sheep gun (TM) fer jobs like that. Flatten them with flair!

@Deathstroke_ asks: "How does it feel knowing that your existence owes itself to the awesome that is me?"

@Deathstroke_ And I reply: How does it feel knowing that I was already 500 times more awesome than you by the end of my first solo issue?

@Deathstroke_ But hey, man, don' feel too down about it. If ya wanna grab a brew an' unload about yer messed up childhood, just gimme a call

@Deathstroke_ Number's 1-800-BAKELITE. (Leave off th' last "E" fer weight reduction!)

Deathstroke_ says: This is why you'll never beat Wolverine. Your snarcky sense of humor will give you a fanbase, but it won't make you the best.

Deathstroke_ says: I on the other hand am a trained killer. I've beaten Batman, I've out run the Flash, I am the ultimate weapon.

Deathstroke_ says: I take no nonsene. I might not be as popular, but I'm deffinately more deadly.

@Deathstroke_ Matter of opinion, dude. An at least I ain't got insecurity issues that make me need ta grandstand on how great I am alla time

@Deathstroke_ But I gotta remind ya, I got a whole book called "Deadpool vs. the Marvel Universe" an' at the end, I COME OUT ON TOP. ZING.

tano_gooch asks: How long 'till you converse with Strong Bad about him copying your mask? He's still breathing: http://tiny.cc/VDG5L

@tano_gooch Eh. The dude's like, 3 inches tall! I ain't gonna bust his chops 'cause he thinks trying ta be like me will make 'im tougher

@tano_gooch Unless he calls me out 'er tries ta actually claim he's me or somethin'. Then I'll wipe the cement with his puny li'l gloves.

@JJMeylar asks: Dear Deadpool, I have a sweet tooth problem that I want to deal with. What should I do?

@JJMeylar First, ya go to th'store an' find some real nice, ritzy brand'a chocolate ice cream.

@JJMeylar Then, ya buy 12 cartons.

@JJMeylar Then, ya bring 'em all on by my place.

@JJMeylar An' then I might let ya have one.

@JJMeylar 'Cept if Agent X wants some. I can't be held responsible fer what that big tub a'lard does.

@JJMeylar So if he steals yer carton, don't whine ta me. We clear?

@gil_garcia asks: do u think that you can kill the chick in that stupid Education Connection commercial? There's a chimichanga in it for ya!

@gil_garcia Throw in an enchilada, an' I'm sold. U got an address or somethin'? Or am I gonna have ta lurk outside the studios again?

@gil_garcia Last time I did that I got in BIIIG trouble. I was like, "I'm a golden girl, I swear!" but they weren't buyin' it.

gil_garcia says: Ill make it two enchiladas since i dont know the address!

@gil_garcia Awriiiiight, if ya throw in some hot sauce an' chips I'll do the recon work for ya.

EdWaRdSgIrL4 says: bad news some combicbook magizine had a list of top 200 superheros. - deadpool was number 182- dumb magazine :(

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 Ah, well, it was prob'ly written by monkeys jumpin' on typewriters with defective ribbons. An' I STILL got on the list!

@gil_garcia asks: hey deadpool, when you're bored, do you ever randomly blow off your head because you can regenerate?

@gil_garcia Nah, man, ya never know when yer mutant powers'll get sidetracked an' ferget ta grow yer ear back or somethin'.

@gil_garcia I mean, hasn't happened yet, but ya never know. Anyway, why waste ammo I could be usin' on someone else?

@Xanapanda asks: You're so cool, Wade. How can I be more like ya?

@Xanapanda Well now, I recommend starting by heckling Bob whenever possible. An' playing poker with Outlaw. But don't ever let 'er win.

@Xanapanda I don't recommend cancer. Or talkin' ta anyone from Weapon X's recruitment dept. Even if they offer ya cupcakes and ponies.

@Xanapanda Also ta state the obvious - fashion makes the man (or woman). Lotsa nice red-n-black'll totally help.

@Xanapanda Ah, who're we kiddin? There's only ever gonna be one me. Why not try ta be more like yerself. Don't worry. We c'n still hang out.

@TheReaperMan Great Gatsby on a pogo stick! Death, sweetheart, is that YOU? ...Wait... Ya look, uhhh...different. Genderically I mean.

TheReaperMan says: WRONG UNIVERSE. YOU WANT THAT TART THAT RUNS THE MARVEL SECTION.

@TheReaperMan Ohhh. So wait - yer th' one with the horse, right? I always wanted a horse named Binky! Can I ride her, can I can I can I???

TheReaperMan says: RIDING THE HORSE MAY RESULT IN YOUR ENTRAPMENT IN AN ALTERNATE REALITY. MEANS NO.

@TheReaperMan I been in a few a'those. Sometimes it's kinda fun; sometimes it tickles. An' then there was the time when I really hadta pee...

TheReaperMan says: HAVING SAID THAT, HERE'S A BOUNCY BALL. *passes* MIGHT KEEP ME FOLLOWING YOUR TRAIL FOR FIVE MINUTES OR SO.

@TheReaperMan Oooh, BOUNCY. Thanks, man. I like the black an' white. If I paint some red on here, it'll look just like my little symbol (tm)

TheReaperMan says: I'M SURE IT WOULD. *nods*

@TheReaperMan P.S. Can I keep this?

TheReaperMan: *nods*

@PyroGrrl asks: hey. How are ya?

@PyroGrrl I'm in th' mood fer some fiery passion, that's how I am. An' you look like ya'd be good at bringin' that, eh? *wink wink*

@PyroGrrl ...Oh, wait. Were you jus' bein' polite an' stuff? Hard ta tell with all this typin' and stuff. ;)

@elgato88 asks: so...how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

@elgato88 It all depends, dude - is this a *laden* woodchuck, or an unladen woodchuck?

elgato88 says: uhh..... unladen!

@elgato88 In that case, about a chuckwagon's full a day, during the month'a May, is what I say. Hey hey. I'm a freakin' fantastic poet, eh?

@mrsmulwray asks: Doing anything fun this weekend, Deadpool?

@mrsmulwray S'amatterafact, I am. Sandi got us a job with a stakeout at a fancy hotel, so in between murder an' mayhem - I'm goin' SWIMMIN

inlaterdays asks: Will there be a Speedo involved? ;)

@inlaterdays Speedo? Nah, I got custom trunks. Guess what they got on 'em?

@Lady_Phantom asks: Hey, DP! I was wondering what your thoughts are on you being in the new Hulk Vs. Wolverine show?

@Lady_Phantom I think it's FANFREAKINTASTIC. I mean, yeah, they made me way too skinny, but the voice guy was pretty darned good an' all.

@KamKhaos asks: What is more painful, arrows through the skull or watching Bob wee on your favorite rug?

@KamKhaos I loved that rug. *tear* Whereas arrows ta th'skull are jus' a temp'rary annoyance. LIke mosquitoes or somethin'. So: RUG.

...

An' I'm out, all ya gansta rappin' feebs!

Tune in next entry, where I swear I will answer more questions. Unless I misplaced that paper I wrote 'em down on again. Damn!

...

Boooooooooooobbbbbb! Where'd you put my pink frilly paper with all the notes on it?

Amazing Artistry of the Adroitest Kind

2010-01-21T02:53:17Z

Hey, all you krazy kids out there! Guess what my Number One Fan, foresthouse, just sent me? Go on, GUESS! Ah, you'll never guess, so I'll just tell ya! She sent me the black-an-white (a.k.a. pencil an' ink) versions of that fun an' freaky Doc Oc story from Deadpool 900. Remember that? The one with the ping-pong balls? YEAH.

Apparently the totally talented Nathan Massengill sent them to her, like, MONTHS ago, an' she just now remembered 'em. WHAT A FEEB. Even if she is my biggest fan. ANYwhoodle, since I know how much y'all love my fearsome mug, in color OR in black-an-white, I'ma share these digital bits of art with you RIGHT NOW. (Pencils by Sanford "Racing Frogs Are Fun" Greene, inks by Nathan "Awesomest Guy Ever" Massengill.)

Yeah, I rock. Ya don't need ta tell me. But you can anyway if ya want.

Isn't that stewardess-babe adorable? Well, 'cept when she's makin' a face at my beautiful mug. Bah!

Think I might use that top right panel on posters when I run fer mayor a'New York. Whaddaya think? Need ta think of a good slogan, though...

Me an' the babe were having a face-makin' contest in the bottom left there. I won, a'course. BOOYAH.

Oh, NATURALLY I ended up on a cruise with a supervillain. Where's Spidey when ya don't want ta be bothered on vacation??

Note me kickin' Oc's many-armed butt. (A many-armed butt? Ew. OK. REPHRASE THAT.)

Anything that happened between the top an' bottom'a this page was COMPLETELY Doc Oc's fault. That's my story, an' I ain't budgin' from it!

Hope you enjoyed those! Until next time, keep 'em firm an' fuzzy!

P.S. Rumor has it foresthouse has got another set'a black-an-white pics stashed away, so stay tuned in case she sends those along later. W00t!

Llamas are Llame, an' So Am I. Llet's go to Llamedos!

2009-11-25T05:42:36Z

Yeah yeah, I know I totally made fun'a those journals that post all their hollas (aka "tweets" SO LAME) an' whatever, but one'a my fans out there thinks I oughta be postin' my Twitter Asked and Answered stuff on here along with all the regular posts, sooooooo...hey, sounds good ta me!

(Pls. note the Asked and Answered Hollas will be separate from Merc Werc: The Deadpool Way. 'Cause that's just how I roll.)

Asked and Answered in 140 Characters Er Less

Part I: The Cablezioc Era (e.g. the first posts, from the time when Cablesaurs first roamed the earth. (I mean, he is pretty damned old, right? I bet he knew some dinosaurs.))

@_jynx asks: how do you REAAAAALLY feel about Cable?

@Ask_Deadpool: I can't tell you because this is a PG twitter...

@rockafire asks: Why did you let FOX mess with your character for the movie?

@Ask_Deadpool: BECAUSE I WAS TOO LATE TA STOP THEM FROM MAKING A GIANT MISTAKE BY BLOWING THEM UP. KINDA LIKE HOW LATE I AM RESPONDING TA THIS.

@The_Perry850 asks: why yellow caption boxes?

@Ask_Deadpool: Because pink is so passe. An' 'cause if I used black boxes, no one could read 'em. Not t'mention Black Box was kinda fruity.

@Steven1138 asks: whats ur favorite movie DP?

@Ask_Deadpool: T'day I can finally answer this: what's my fav'rite movie? One where I am a STAR an' they actually get my origins RIGHT. WOO

@smittytang asks: when are you getting your own movie? i hear (hear being used for sake of legalities) you got pooped on in the wolverine one

@Ask_Deadpool: THE TIME IS NOW, DUDE. DEADPOOL! WINS! (Thank ya, ItsJustSomeRandomGuy). I have ARRIVED. Quick, get me star-shaped sunglasses!

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: are you exited your not dead and your gong to have your own movie?:):)

@Ask_Deadpool: You kiddin? I was so excited when I heard th'news, I bought th'whole office tacos! 'Cept fer Agent X. I got him a salad. Hah!

@Ask_Deadpool: In case any a'you feebs didn't hear already, I'M GETTIN' MY OWN MOVIE. I just drank 9 gallons a'vodka t'celebrate. Am feelin' a slight buzz.

@Mark_Currie: Congrats! You got your own moooovie baby!

@Ask_Deadpool: Thanks, man. I'm so super psyched about this. God, I hope I get at least one hot chick in my movie. Copycat, anyone? Blue is in

@GRHII: Congrats, I am excited. I hope they fix they holes they created in X-Men origins!

@Ask_Deadpool: Dude, I'd go further than that. I hope they f'rget X-Men Origins even existed. 'Cept fer the parts with the badass katana work!

@__Davros__ asks: Hey! Have you still been stitched up?

@Ask_Deadpool: The truth is, as they say in show biz, THE CAKE IS A LIE. There's no WAY I'd have let some psycho jerk stitch up my mouth IRL.

@Ask_Deadpool: Not even if he bribed me with hot women and fast cars. NOPE.

@Ask_Deadpool: Unless they were REALLY hot women and REALLY fast cars. Or motorcycles. Ducati, represent!

@Mark_Currie asks: Out of all the hot chicks in your life, shouldn't it be Siryn who's in it? Or Blind Al =P

@Ask_Deadpool: Hey, man, I'm all for gettin' Blind Al a lil part in this movie; I'd have nominated our beloved Bea fer the part, but...

@Ask_Deadpool: An' as for Siryn - well HELLS YEAH. But see, I knew 'Nessa before Theresa, an' I kinda assumed they might go early canon here.

@Ask_Deadpool: Not that I should assume these feebs even know what canon is. But after I carve a little reminder into their chests, THEY WILL.

@Mark_Currie: Oh yeah I forgot about Copycat bein your gal before the ole Weapon X program (please don't kill me).

@Ask_Deadpool: Nah, I don't kill fans. In gen'ral. 'Cause, y'know, maybe one day they'll give me money or something'!

@StJoan: i'd give you rhubarb pie

@Ask_Deadpool: I'LL TAKE IT. Send it on over, c/o Sandi. But make sure it's in a sealed container, or Agent X'll smell it right away and eat it all

@GRHII asks: How sad are you? I know you truly loved her! http://bit.ly/aGw5R

@Ask_Deadpool: I am sad, oh, I am so sad, OH! No, fer serious. I miss my Bea. :(

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: have you read the articles online about the deadpool movie???- my mom says they said some thing about it on tv

@Ask_Deadpool: Sandi cut out a couple'a articles on th'movie fer me - any in partic. I should be lookin' at?

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: do you want cable in the deadpool movie? i dont too confusing

@Ask_Deadpool: Well, I'm not gonna lie - I do kinda like hangin' out with the big schlub, when he's not being a total drag...

@Ask_Deadpool: But...yeah, if they try t'explain even a 100th of his origins, we'd be sittin' in the movie fer 10 days confused ta death.

@Ask_Deadpool: So: only if the writers were very clever but still managed to not make stupid shit that's not even close to the comics up.

@ToughTom asks: So would you rather steal another smooch from Black Widow 2 or get to kick Osborn in the nuts as many times as you want?

@Ask_Deadpool: Eh, I can kick Osborn in the nuts anyday without his say-so, but kissin' a willin' Black Widow? Now THAT you can't do ev'ry day!

@Ask_Deadpool: AND NOW I'M IN ANOTHER VIDEO GAME, FEEBS! http://tinyurl.com/prwurr What's with the boots, yo? I haven't worn those since I was, like, 16!

@Ask_Deadpool: Still. I AM BADASS, HEAR ME BLOW SHIT UP. MWAHAHAHAHA. And they gave me plenty a'ordnance ta do it with, too! *bounces*

@Mark_Currie: Those boots are AWFUL.

@Ask_Deadpool: Hey, I *said* I haven't worn 'em since I was 16! (I know, man, I know. But hey, everything else looks sweet.)

@EdWaRdSgIrL4: nice boots ???=) goin hiking soon ??? =)

@Ask_Deadpool: Watchyer wisecracks, missy. At least the rest'a me looks pretty damn good. ;)

@gil_garcia: awww no laser eyes??!!! hahaha jk. thanks for sharing the screenshots. that game looks badass!

@Ask_Deadpool: THANK EVERYTHING (laser eyes, hrmph *grumblegrumblegrumble*) Unless they included 'em as a special Doofus Achievement or sumpin.

@gil_garcia: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Good ol' FOX (Kill 0 enemies with Deadpool's laser ability)- 10 points

@Ask_Deadpool: Hah, sweet! Or, like, "accidentally kill 20 enemies by landing on 'em in combat boots" or somethin'. (Wait, I've done that...)

@JLopezCostume: doc martens needed a plug?

@Ask_Deadpool: rassmfrssm PRODUCT PLACEMENT. Man. Next thing ya know, we're gonna end up with one'a these in the game http://tinyurl.com/p6y9bk

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: "is the game gona be any good"

@Ask_Deadpool: Hey, I ain't no soothsayer; so I asked that dude in the mirror from MUA 1 (Grampy? You so grumpy!) an' he said HELLS YEAH.

@EdWaRdSgIrL4 asks: "by the way who is Foresthouse"

@Ask_Deadpool: That's a top military secret. (Hint: wise grasshoppers can learn a lot from a profile page: http://tinyurl.com/pud3o9)

@inferno232 asks: Hey, my last name is 'Pool'! And some call you the 'Pool'! Can I file a cross dimensional lawsuit? Please?

@Ask_Deadpool: Tchya, good luck with that. Outlaw's an Internet Lawyer with a BIG gun collection. I send her after any guys who try ta sue me.

@Ask_Deadpool: Anyway, everyone knows I been around longer than most. So I gots prior claim or whatever legal wibbity-wob they use fer that.

@inferno232: In order to to avoid embarrassment and multiple gunshot wounds, I yield to your logic, Mr. Wilson. May your movie not suck.

@Ask_Deadpool: Awright, I accept your surrender. Anyway, I do try not ta shoot my fans unless it's really necessary. So yer safe for now!

@KarenB88 asks: Who do I need to threaten to get more Deadpool animated cartoon goodness?

@Ask_Deadpool: I heard some sorta rumor that if ya write letters ta Marvel tellin' them ya want more glorious animated me, ya might get some.

@Ask_Deadpool: FYI: Marvel Address to Write To for More Animated Deadpool Goodness: http://community.livejournal.com/cabledeadpool/34721.html

@gil_garcia asks: do you think it's a coincidence that Marvel hired Reynolds to play you and Scarlett Johannson to play Black Widow????

@Ask_Deadpool: I think the world'a movies is a mysterious, mysterious place. An' that ScarJo secretly wants ta cameo in my movie.

@Ask_Deadpool: Too bad fer her my rendezvous with Black Widow only just happened! I wouldn't bet on tha writers using anything that recent.

...

An' on that note, th-th-th-th-that's all fer now, folks!

Tune in next time, fer more old news, an' possibly some new answers. WHO KNOWS?

BONUS POST YOU LUCKY PEOPLE

2009-11-09T03:37:24Z

Hey hey, guess what? I fergot I had a coupla links and things ta share with you all, so you get a bonus post today. LUCKY YOU.

First off, from th' awesome Twitter fans, a few renditions of what I might be unlucky enough ta look like now that Disney's bought Marvel, 'cept that I'm WAY too bada$$ ta ever let this happen ta me:

From bairdduvessa:

From xGeeorgiaa:

From Mark_Currie:

And, ya know, this one's not me, but it's still kinda awesome (also from xGeeorgiaa:

An' next, we got a mini-handfulla kinda fun links ABOUT ME, so a'course I gotta share:

An intelligent conversation I once had with Wolverine

The shoes I wear when I ain't wearin' my boots

and

Hey! What the hell is this? COPYCAT. I did it first!!

And now, back ta yer regularly scheduled late night procrastination!

Jiminy Cricket on a Highwire, I'm Such a Slacker! Sorry!

2009-11-08T21:16:56Z

Hey there, my brilliantly bouncy borschts (say that three times fast!). Guess what day it is? Well, it’s my friend’s birthday. But MORE IMPORTANTLY, it’s th’ day that I answer some’a yer questions – startin’ with th’ ones that were submitted back in what may have been the Mesozoic era. Oops. Sorry ‘bout that. Got a lot of excitement at th’ Agency these days, what with all these other me’s wanderin’ around eatin’ alla Bob’s bagels and sayin’ how good they look in their uniforms. Also it’s Tasky’s turn ta decorate th’ office (I never said people could have turns, but apparently he’s all miffed that everybody else got ta do it an’ he hasn’t yet. Next thing I know, BOB is gonna want ta decorate. Odin help us all if that happens!) an’ he’s decided ta tear everythin’ up before he puts in whatever fancy-schmancy posh décor he’s got swimmin’ around in his Queer Eye For The Straight Guy brain (I shoulda NEVER let him watch reality TV!). So we got carpets and upended chairs and Loki knows what all around th’ place right now. MAN.

Anyway. On ta th’ questions.

drownthemoon asks:

Holy hot ham and cheese on rye! I have enough questions to number them now!

1. If you had to choose one weapon from your sexy large arsenal as your favorite, which would it be?

2. Other than the smiley faces, and the Deadpool motif, what other designs do your boxers have?

3. What is your favorite flavor of cake? Furthermore, what sort of frosting do you prefer?

4. Is a cattle prod an acceptable method of enticing someone to keep from repeating the same romantic behavior?

5. Why don't you have a harem yet?

Hot hijinks with a hausfrau! Yet another handful of numbered questions! Color me *surprised*! And psyched. And impressed with my own alliteration. Now then...

1. Ooh, this is a tough one. But I gotta say, ya know...I think it’d be the sais. I mean, sure, the katanas’re standard around here, but fer sheer looks, sais are pretty goshdarned awesome. An’ ya know, they also got three times as much pointyness per hilt. As my old friend Al would say (not the blind one, th’other one!), “ain’t that a kick in th’ pants?!” Or in this case, a poke.

P.S. Ooh, and can I choose “sais with decorative grenades on th’ handles,” or is that cheating? ‘Cause this one time, in Panama, I found these wicked sais with little grenades swingin; off th’ hilts, an’ MAN, those things were adorable. And handy. At least until I accidentally armed one while I was slashin’ some mook with it. Ouchie!

2. Ummm...ahhh...hang on a minute, k?

...

...

OK, I’m back! Had ta go hunt down Bob and the clean laundry basket (Bob’s good with th’ laundry. Almost as good as he is with th’ baking!). Lessee here, now...I gots some hearts, some clovers (Agent Casey ain’t the only one with th’ luck a’the Irish!), Daffy Duck, uhhh...what the...? ’pparently I got a pair with little recycling symbols on ‘em? Huh. I think Tasky’s tryin’ that “subliminal message” stuff on me again. He’s so prissy about stuff like garbage. Anyway. I got, hm, I got two sets with eyes on ‘em (blue AND green!) an’ a pair with cowboy hats. An’ the ones with grenades, an’ the ones with aces an’ dice, an’...man, it’s amazin’ I ever run out, isn’t it? An’ yet I always find myself havin’ ta resort ta th’ yellow panties after awhile. Funny.

3. My fav’rite flavor of cake is cake. Same goes fer th’ frostin! But, ya know, if yer question was, “if there were 100 different flavors of cake all spread out on a table in front’a you, which one would ya eat first?” then my answer would be...those big round cookie cakes you c’n get at the mall! With the icing that they put on them, whatever that stuff is. SCRUMPTIOUS.

4. If yer usin’ a cattle prod ta *entice* someone, I think yer love life’s a little on the kinky side. But if yer tryin’ ta keep them from doing somethin’ ya don’t like – cattle prods’re ok, but I say nothin’ beats a straight-up taser!

5. They’re on backorder from Russia. SOURFACE. (X^(

Next up...amejisuto wonders:

Dear Deadpool,

Any good movie or TV show reviews? What does a mercenary watch when he's not working? On the flip side, any show or any character that you hate? My friends and I have fun discussing how we'd kill off annoying characters we can't stand, have you ever done that?

Yeah, I'm twisted and evil. But a couple of these characters really annoy the hell out of me so I simply must wish that they'd be in a horrible industrial accident and get squashed by a shipping container while at the docks.

How much would something like that cost anyway? LOL

Ame

Ah, Ame, ma cherie, I’ve missed you! Wouldst thou go with me...to Detroit? No? Ah, awright, then; I’ll just answer yer questions. Ya know, I don’t know where the cool kids go fer reviews, but I hear foresthouse is maybe thinkin’ of doin’ some one’a these days. An’ I know cleolinda does some kick-ass recaps. Check ‘em out!

Around the Agency, I always gotta wrestle Tasky fer the remote (him an’ his pickin’ up new skills from TV. What’s with that? That’s not the point of TV!) but when I win, I watch...uh, pretty much everything. Does it ruin my street cred if I admit ta watchin’ Gossip Girl? ‘Cause I’m all about that evil schemin’ Blair chick. SHAZAM. But I gotta say, it’s gettin’ a little less fun an’ frisky these days. Hrmph. What else is on the clicker Mondays? Ah, gotta love House. That twisted genius. Man, he cracks me up. An’ FOX was totally S-M-R-T fer putting that show Lie to Me on next ta House – ‘cause now I gotta watch that one too. I mean, it’s got a hot redhead an’ everything! An’ then there’s Castle – true, the dialogue ain’t quite as snappy as me an’ Cable on a Saturday night, but hey, it’s Nathan Fillion. You gotta watch Nathan Fillion. If only fer the Best Firefly Shoutout Ever in the Halloween ep. Guess I’m not the only one who hangs onta old costumes fer years!

And, uh...ooh, I love me some Bones. Kinda reminds me of th’ good ol’ days when *I* was one half of a buddy movie team – ‘cept fer th’ part where me an’ Cable didn’t forensically solve crimes an’ stuff. Eh, close enough. Oh, and can’t ferget Supernatural – talk about blastin’ away and slicin’ an’ dicin’ things! Not ta mention Action Figure Castiel a few weeks ago was worth th’ price of admission. An’ then there’s Smallville—wait, am I allowed ta admit I watch Smallville? Hey, Marvel lawyers! What’s the rule on me tellin’ everyone I like a show about DC characters? Is that kosher?

...

Oh. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. ...As a matter’a fact, Ame, I don’t watch Smallville. Nope! Never seen it, not even once. Not even the ep where the JLA walks away from a giant explosion all badass and sh*%. Which would have been totally cool ta watch, except that I never watched it!

But I *do* watch Psych. An’ it’s totally not fer Dule Hill’s cheekbones. Not at all! Just like why I watch Dexter an’ Dollhouse – it’s fer the characters!

An’ speakin’a characters, yeah, there are some I’d like ta see take a long walk off a short pier. With cement shoes. Lessee, now; if I was killin’ characters, Jenny Humphrey would have a tragic curlin’ iron accident – ya know th’ kind where yer hair accidentally goes up in flames? An’ if she wasn’t already leavin’ th’ show, Thirteen would be accidentally poisoned fer sure – I mean hey, poetic justice an’ all that, right? After all, she did kill that dude’s dog that one time. An’ I’d definitely knock off Emergency Backup Cop #2, whatever the hell his name is, on Castle. He’d have th’ most boring death possible, so they wouldn’t be able ta make an episode out of it. And...lessee...ooh yeah, whatshisface the annoying angel who keeps tryin’ ta get Dean ta be the Michael sword would get a short trip down ta The Pit. Oh, yeah.

As fer pricin’, well, if it was a character I couldn’t stand, I might could maybe consider a bit’a pro bono work, ya know?

Now then...Michelle Nieporte / Lady_Phantom asks via Twitter:

Hey, DP! I was wondering what your thoughts are on you being in the new Hulk Vs. Wolverine show?

Well, my phantasmic friend, I gotta say, not only am I super-psyched to *finally* be featured in animation as more than a second’s hallucination in ol’ Wolvie’s mind, but I’m also completely, totally, over-the-topally in love with th’ dude who did my voice-overs. Fer serious: Nolan North, I’m gonna hunt you down an’ buy you flowers an’ propose a lifelong business arrangement in which you do my voice-overs fer all my future animations (unless, a’course, *I’m* not too busy ta do ‘em). An’ then I’m gonna kidnap ya and run off ta Doctor Strange’s lair so’s he can work his crazy magic an’ send us back in time so’s you can do my voiceovers from Marvel Ultimate Alliance I, too. ‘Cause I don’t care how long I lived in San Francisco, I never sounded like a Californ-eye-aye surfer dude.

Oh, an’ as fer my actual screen time in the movie? I gotta say, animated me ROCKS. An’ should totally get a whole animated show of which he (I?) is (am? Man, this is so confusin’) th’ star.

Raise yer hand if you agree with me on this one. Yes? Good! ‘Cause at some comics convention ‘er another, the dude who worked on the Hulk DVD actually said that if enough fans wrote in ta say they wanted ta see more animated me, it might work! So why don’t ya all get out yer pencils (‘cause I know you’re kickin’ it old school) an’ write ta:

Marvel Studios
9242 Beverly Boulevard
Suite 350
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

To tell ‘em you think I should get my own animated movie!

An’ one more fer today. lady_of_mists writes:

Dear Deadpool:

A certain lovely, possibly a low level psionic being is temporarily out of work. At her previous job, she was paid a decent living wage. Now she is not making enough money to pay for Important Things in life -- like Deadpool comics, movie tickets, Wii game systems, trips to England to stalk superheroes, or even brand name cookies. Should the certain LPALLPB take a job (if offered) which would pay much less than the job that she had before, but more than unemployment -- or should she hold out for only the best of jobs as would suit her stature?

All the best! Lady_of_Mists

Well well, m’lady, we meet again. An’ as always, I got the perfect answer ta yer challengin’ question: there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING more important than bein’ able ta afford Deadpool comics. You do what you gotta do, little missy, ta get yer hands on those. Beg, borrow, steal, or take a job you ain’t too fond of, but don’t miss out on what makes life worth livin’. I mean it!

P.S. Also, eatin’, payin’ tha bills, an’ yes, Wii game systems are very, very important. So do what ya gotta do fer those, too, at least until somethin’ better comes along. Which it will. I mean, hell, I can’t even tell ya ‘bout some’a the crappy jobs *I* did while I was waiting (years. YEARS, I tell you) fer my character ta get bigger’n Ye Old Hairy Canadian Claw Master, but hey, it’s finally happened – I’ve hit the JACKPOT, baby; an’ you will too. Swear.

An’ that’s all I got time for today, folks. So until next time, keep ‘em pointy an' polished!

Merc Werc Part IV: Bein’ Yer Own Boss

2009-11-04T03:35:44Z

What up, my charming chiquitas? Hey, remember back in the day, when I used to actually post ta this here journal? Well, get out yer nostalgia boots and tramp on over, 'cause I'm baaaaack! Hey, what c'n I say - starrin' in 15 different books at once is HARD. Even those of us with a mega-healin' factor need a little sleep now an' then. But I think I finally managed ta figure out how ta juggle all that AND update this thing now an' then: ya know how there's like, a metric ton of me's running around right now? The lady and the kid and the, what's that, am I a cowboy too now? Oh, no, a soldier. Somethin' like that, anyway. Well, I been delegatin' some a'my work ta them so's I can kick back and catch up on the most important thing out there - my FANS. An' so finally, I've got a minute ta bring ya all Chapter 4 of Merc Werc: The Deadpool Way! Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm the best. An' I promise I'm even diggin' my way out of all the questions you feebs have been sendin' me. Promise! And now, may I present the follow-up ta Chapter 3 (If I had a nickel for every team that’s kicked me out...)

(See also Helpful Linkage:

Merc Werc: The Deadpool Way? What the heck is that?

Merc Werc Part I: The Importance of Being...Prepared

Merc Werc Part II: What To Do When You’re Totally Screwed)

Holla Atcha All! Take 4

Bein’ Yer Own Boss

25. Step one in runnin’ a successful merc office: get a hot secretary who’s actually smart, too. Get two, if ya can afford ‘em!

26. If yer secretar(ies) say they need a metric ton’a Post-its, don’t argue! Ya don’t want ‘em burnin’ down th’ office. ^{FN 5}

FN 5: Or decidin’ that runnin’ off ta join th’ circus would be better than workin’ fer you. Trust me, it happens.

27. A tastefully decorated office is th’key ta impressin’ clients. I recommend giant portraits’a yerself. Also: fake plants.

28. Hire at least one employee who looks homeless and crazy, ta scare off th’ feebs who ain’t serious ‘bout hirin’ ya. ^{FN 6}

FN 6: Bonus points if yer new employee is *actually* crazy. ^{FN 7}

FN 7: Negative points if he eats all yer fake plants. Those things ain’t cheap!

29. Being yer own boss means never havin’ ta say yer sorry. Or explain why there’re giant holes in the lobby wall. Remember that.

30. If yer client is crazier than you are, charge ‘em double - it’s pretty much guaranteed you’ll need hazard pay fer th’ nutjobs.

31. Ingredient #1 of a tidy office? Scotch-Guard (ta minimize th’effect of th’ inevitable blood spillage that comes w/ merc werc)

32. Ingredient #2? Duct tape (fer everythin’ else). ^{FN 8}

FN 8: Especially those holes in th’ walls. Ya may not have ta explain ‘em, but all those drafts can get annoyin’.

33. When it comes ta payday, remember that you’re th’ boss – an’ give yerself a bonus!

34. If ya got an employee who’s kinda a schmuck but makes good croissants, keep ‘im around the office. Fresh baked goods are SWEET

35. Sure, bein’ boss means ya c’n work in yer PJs, but I say wear yer good togs anyway; killin’ zombies in a bathrobe is hard!

...

And there it is, my friendly fans! Another volume'a wisdom in a small package, comin' at ya from Deadpool's Clubhouse Under the Desk. Chow!

Hey! I, Bob, actually get to answer questions now! Wow!

2009-06-27T05:07:51Z

H-Hey everybody! Bob, Agent of HY--, er, I mean, President of Mr. Wilson's Fan Club, here! ~~Hail Mr. Wilson!~~ Mr. Wilson (who also goes by Deadpool, of course) has finally let me out of the kitchen long enough to answer all the amazingly wonderful questions you nice, kind, fantastic people have sent in to show how much you like me and want to hear from me. Aiieeeeek!!!

...

Oops. Sorry! I thought I saw a mouse, and I had to deploy HYDRA Strategic Maneuver #301, Squeaking Like A Rodent And Jumping On The Couch, which, you know, when I think about it, wouldn't squeaking like a rodent when you see a rodent maybe be like you were doing a mating call or something? Which would attract the rodent? Huh. Well maybe not. I mean, I guess...I guess HYDRA knows best. After Mr. Wilson, of course.

Mr. Wilson's so great. He's been trying to teach me some new tricks, like Holding A Katana, and Pointing A Gun, and Not Running From Fists, and Throwing A Grenade After Remembering To Pull Out The Pin, but I don't think I'm getting along as fast as he'd like. (Alison always did say I was a bit slow. I thought she was talking about my chewing, though. You know, it's important to chew a bite 42 times before you swallow. Especially if you don't have a good medical plan that covers choking and things.) Mr. Wilson shouts a lot after a few minutes of lessons, and last week he put his fist through the Agency wall again after I hid behind his desk for the 52nd time. But he's so nice that he is still trying to help me learn. I mean, he says it's because at the level I am at now I'm “more dangerous ta others than a pigeon who's just eaten a big meal'a C4 an' perched on yer shoulder,” but he's always saying things like that. I don't know why the only HYDRA training classes I ever excelled in besides hiding were the ones like Killer Baking 101, Poisonous Puddings 265, Sharp Salads 322, and Arsenic Hors d'oeuvres 436, but Mr. Wilson lets me practice my cooking and baking a lot, because he also says we should “play ta our strengths an' surprise the enemy.” Last week he surprised an enemy with some of my Myoporum Muffins (Delicious and Deadly!). He said they worked like a witch's charm. I was very proud.

So I guess I should answer questions now, huh? Oh, except I have to tell you something else I'm so proud of: Mr. Wilson told me I could be President of his Fan Club!!! I mean, I had to cling to his ankle and beg for awhile while he dragged me around the office like a leg weight, but then he said ok! So now I am President Bob! Alison would be so proud, if she still answered my calls.

As President, I feel I have certain duties to Mr. Wilson, so I've been looking around to see what people are saying about him. And it turns out, Mr. Wilson has LOTS of fans. (Who should all become members of the Official Fan Club of which I am the President, of course. There is A Button that you can buy once you are An Official Member. There is also A Secret Handshake, once I figure out the rest of it. If you want to join, I think it's ok with Mr. Wilson if you comment here with your email address. I am not sure what I will do with your email address, except maybe send you a link to A Button You Can Buy And Wear To Show You Are Official. But I am sure I will figure out other things to do with it. I won't sell it to anybody, though. I promise!)

Anyway, as Fan Club President, I think now would be a good time to mention some of the amazing fans out there who have been doing all kinds of neat things in honor of Mr. Wilson.

Links to Neat Mr. Wilson-Related Things

I think maybe Mr. Wilson already mentioned these first two before, but just in case, I will mention them again:

The Deadpool Bugle is the place where you can read ALL the news on where Mr. Wilson will be appearing and what people are saying about him. It also has a Twitter feed.

Deadpool and Friends is where you can watch YouTube videos that are mostly about Mr. Wilson. The person who runs it also has Twitter.

And here are some I don't think Mr. Wilson mentioned yet:

I'm a Marvel...and I'm a DC. Here at the Agency, we love ItsJustSomeRandomGuy, but I don't think we've mentioned him before. So now I will! You should all watch every single one of his videos because they are all amazing. AND now Mr. Wilson is in several of them, too. Here are the ones he is in so far:

Hi, I'm a Marvel...and I'm a DC: Wolverine (Deadpool) and Watchmen

Hi, I'm a Marvel...and I'm a DC: Wolverine Heroes and Watchmen Heroes

Marvel and DC Keep on Trekkin' (Marvel/DC/Star Trek Parody)

Marvel/DC/Terminator Salvation Parody

Marvel/DC: The Hangover, Up, and Drag Me To Hell Parodies

Marvel and DC Talk Transformers (Marvel/DC/Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen Parody)

Yay, RandomGuy and RandomGal! (And RandomCat!)

What Would Deadpool Do? is by a couple of Mr. Wilson's fans who have made what I think is called a “mash-up” of Star Wars and Deadpool comics (not to be confused with my Monkshood Mashed Potatoes). As they say on TV Tropes, when you put two wacky things like that together, Hilarity Ensues.

ScarletVulture's Comics show some of Mr. Wilson's “unofficial” adventures. They are very, very good. I wish I could draw like that. But I can't. Oh well. At least I can bake!

The Merc With A Mouth Files page contains some of Mr. Wilson's information on some of the many, many people Mr. Wilson has interacted with in the course of his important work. Of course, it might not have all of the classified info. But that's because if Mr. Wilson told us that, he'd have to kill us. At least, that's what he's always telling me.

Kyle Robinson Customs is a place where you can get little ~~dollies~~ action figures of Mr. Wilson and other people he knows. The guy who runs this site is a big fan of Mr. Wilson, so he has many different versions of Mr. Wilson's costume and things for people to choose from. I only have 6 so far, but I'm hoping to collect a few more!

The Deadpool Forum is a pretty cool new place for people to go and talk about Mr. Wilson and comics and other things. Mr. Wilson's Number One Fan (but not President of the Fan Club, that's me!), foresthouse, joins in the conversations over there sometimes.

And I think that's all the links I have for now. If you know of other good fan places, you should let me know so I can put them in the Official Fan Club Files.

And now I really will answer your questions. Mr. Wilson says that since seven isn't much more than five I can answer all seven of the questions people asked me! Let's see, how does Mr. Wilson usually do this? Oh. Oh right.

youtubedeadpool writes:

Wow! Hey thanks for the shout out! It is greatly appreciated. I shall repay you with a question for Bob and some authentic New Mexican food if you ever come this way.

Question for Bob:
If you could kick any three people square in the nuts and get away with it, who would it be?

Gee, I'm not sure we've gotten to the Kicking People In The Nuts part of our training yet, although I know Mr. Wilson is an expert at that. I guess I will just have to use my imagination and pretend I am skilled in that so that I can imagine who I might want to use that skill on. Huh. And also I will have to imagine that my therapist did not tell me not to release my anger at myself and Alison towards other people, and to be tranquil like a babbling brook and all of that.

...

OK. OK, I think I've got it. The first would be L. Ron Hubbard. I mean, I know he's not alive, but if I had a time machine as well as a way to get away with kicking people, I would definitely kick Hubbard for making a cult out of a bunch of science fiction stories. I mean, not only does that give nice science fiction writers a bad name, but Alison's uncle Stewy sent all his money to those stupid Scientologists and he was still a crazy drunk who ended up falling off a trolley car and dying. I blame Hubbard. And also, what kind of a name is L. Ron?

I guess I'd also use my time machine to kick Michael Jackson's dad. A lot. He sounds like one mean evil man.

And I guess if I was ABSOLUTELY assured of no consequences...I'd kick APOCALYPSE in the nuts. Just because I could!

And now I have to do my breathing exercises for a minute. My therapist wouldn't like me getting all excited like this.

...

OK.

designatedhero wrote:

What was there not to like about Wild Wild West? Overly-elaborate death traps, campy villains, super awesome trains, Ulysses S. Grant?!

Anyway, onto Bob:

Let's face it Bob, you throw like a girl. You ever considered getting lessons? Maybe going to a baseball game and taking some notes?

I liked Wild Wild West, personally. But don't tell Mr. Wilson I said that!

Gee, Mr. Hero, I'm really flattered that you think I am such a good sportsperson. Alison was an All-Star League pitcher back in our hometown, and I never thought I was as good as her in the throwing department, even though she really, really tried to teach me. I guess I do throw a lot like Alison did, but then, she used to strike out a lot of people every game, so I thought that was a good thing. Huh. I guess I could go to a baseball game sometime and see how other people do it. But I bet most of them aren't as good as my Alison is. Was. Is still. Even if she's not really my Alison anymore. You know what I mean.

isntthatfancy asks:

Dear Bob Agent of Hydra,

The other day I had a math test that I'd consciously chosen not to study for. I didn't want my teacher to think I was stupid though, so when I came upon a problem that I just couldn't figure out, I filled in the answer blank with something I did know about: The history of Russia. A whole essay on it.

For some reason I didn't get any points, not even for effort! Oh Bob, with all your great knowledge, could you possibly tell me something that would have been a better topic? What would you deem worthy of points despite being not-math?

Dear Fancy Person,

I would think an essay on the art of stealth combat cookery would have impressed your teacher very much, to the point where he or she would have given you an A+. I mean, stealth combat cookery is a very exact kind of cookery – it really has to be done right, and you have to be very meticulous about measuring your seasonings and making little spaces for explosives to be hidden and getting the doses for the poisons right and all of that. And certainly after you wrote the section on How To Make Apples Grizwald, I am sure your teacher would be very, very impressed.

trashjack wants to know:

Dear Bob, Agent of HYDRA,

What the hell did Deadpool do to you? You know, when you two first met, and he was tiny for some reason (probably involving Pym Particles or the Rhino; I never knew what happened immediately before that adventure). When he threatened you with your own HYDRA ID card, you said that because he was so minuscule, he could not harm you. You clearly ended up being very wrong about that, but I want to know HOW wrong. What on earth did he do to you with that card? And why did you look unhurt after that?

Dear Mr. Jack,

Mr. Wilson is very, very tricky and smart in a very unique way that I like to call “The Deadpool Way.” It is very practical, kind of like The Way of Mrs Cosmopilite, but in a completely different Way. As in not so logical, just practical. And one of the practical things I learned from Mr. Wilson when he had my ID card in hand is that even tiny people, if they know where to push with a sharp plastic corner, can cut your eyeball right in half. At least, that's sort of something like what he told me in his tiny voice right before I decided I didn't want to find out if he was one of the people who knew where to push. My Way includes the maxim, “Don't do anything stupid that could get you killed.” And that would include disobeying Mr. Wilson, who could clearly get me killed in many, many ways. People who follow my Way might not have the most fun, but they usually have the longest lives!

lady_of_mists wonders:

Dear BOB, AGENT OF HYDRA ~~Hail HYDRA!~~:

How would *you* go about keeping people in a hospital from waking you up every forty-five minutes during the night shift? Please remember that there are no locks on any of the doors (even the bathrooms!) and that this hypothetical hospital room is on the sixth floor.

All the best,

Lady_of_Mists

Dear Lady,

This one is easy. I would ask Mr. Wilson to go and make sure no one woke me up unless it was important to my own personal health that they do so. And then I would offer him money so he would do what I asked him to. He is very conscientious about doing what someone asks when he is being given money for it. Sometimes. Which is why I would also offer him the money in several parts, with the last bit being given to him after my release from the hospital.

And people say I am not smart!

benicio127 says:

DP! And Bob, Agent of Hydra ~~Hail HYDRA!~~ Answering questions!
How fabulous.

Question for Bob, Agent of Hydra ~~Hail HYDRA!~~
Let's say you're in a desert and a scary dude walks up to you. Your training is to hide, but where do you hide? Do you stick your head in the sand like an ostrich? Burrow underground like a marmot? Make like tumbleweed and roll away?
Do tell!

Well, Benicio (Benicio del Toro, is that you? OMG I'm such a fan!), I will tell you that even in the desert a clever hiding operative can find plenty of places to hide. For instance, in our HYDRA manual, all of the illustrations of deserts had a big cactus in them to show that it was a desert situation. Since I am not a beefy man, I am sure I could hide behind a cactus with only minimal pain and tiny pricks to the skin. Also, in HYDRA Hiding School, we were taught that with the right willpower, humans can make themselves really, really flat. Like a hamster! So in a desert situation, I might lie down and sprinkle some sand over myself and then make myself really, really flat, thus looking like merely a Bob-shaped hillock of sand! The scary dude would never even know I was there! And of course, there is the age old run-and-hide-behind-a-sand-dune method. Most deserts have little hills and things. Once you are behind one, you can burrow in pretty quickly, given a sharp implement and the right level of fear as a motivator.

Nope, the desert would not pose a-ny problem at all, when it came to me and hiding! I am sure of it.

And now, one last question:

writerbunny asks:

Bob, Agent of HYDRA ~~HAIL HYDRA!~~:

If you could go anywhere in the world on a week's holiday, where would you go?

Ooh! Ooh! That reminds me, Mr. Wilson promised me that next week I could finally go on that holiday he told me I could have two years ago. OOOH. And I know exactly where I am going, too. Geneva, Switzerland! I think it is probably the least likely place in the whole world where anyone would be shooting at me, trying to stab me, or even yelling at me. I can't WAIT!

And, well, I think that's all the questions you wonderful, lovely fans asked me. So I guess here is where I must leave you! But maybe Mr. Wilson will let me do this again sometime. It was fun, being out of the kitchen for awhile and answering your questions! I hope you had fun reading my answers, too!

Sincerely,

Bob, President of Mr. Wilson's Fan Club ~~Hail Mr. Wilson!~~

I'm a Twit, Yer a Twit, We're all Twits an' Nitwits!

2009-06-22T08:14:01Z

Hey hey, my feisty little tomatoes! How're ya hangin? (Haha, tomato jokes. I love 'em!)

I'm just stoppin' by th' office ta pick up a new pair'a boots (you don't even wanna know what nasty stuff I had ta tromp through ta retrieve th' intel I needed ta "obtain" fer my last employer). But since I'm here, figured I oughta stop in an' post a lil somethin'.

So ya know those journals where people just post a buncha random Twitter junk insteada entries an' think it amounts ta fascinating storytellin'? You know what I mean. Like:

Look what I posted on Twitter today!

ha i fell aslepp again what is up with that

yesterday i ate a snadwich it was good

i don't really like lettuce though wat do you think?

my cat fell off the bed i am so bored

isn't twitter awesome i wish more people actually read this

i wonder if i should brush my teeth what do u think? nah.

Yeah, I hate 'em too. But, ya know, every now-an-then ya just gotta immortalize great moments in Twitter hist'ry, an' the first ever time I had a party that some'a you feebs ~~crashed~~ came to definitely counts.

It all started with foresthouse. (It's always her fault.) I mean, I know bein' my Number One Fan is a big responsibility an' stuff, but really:

foresthouse: am too tired to do Deadpool Week today guys sorry I love you and Deadpool but brain is melting and eyes are unfocused and hey I need sleep.

A'course I hadda give 'er a hard time:

Ask_Deadpool: @foresthouse Am totally offended at yer lack of dedication to my superstar self. ...Nah, kiddin'. Yer still my favorite. Wanna beer?

foresthouse: @Ask_Deadpool You know I don't drink beer. I'm prissy like that. Got any good white wine? I bet Sandi left some at your place last week.

Ask_Deadpool: @foresthouse Oh, hey, yeah she did. Huh. Awright, you can have it if ya want. She'll ferget anyway. But if you come, we're so watchin' Bea.

foresthouse: @Ask_Deadpool Golden Girls-era Bea? I'm in the mood for some Dorothy right about now. And some cookies. Got any cookies?

Ask_Deadpool: @foresthouse Nah, none a'that. You c'n pick some up on the way over, though. I promise I won't eat 'em all like last time. Swear.

foresthouse: @Ask_Deadpool OK, if you promise. And NO TOUCHING. I'll be over in a few. And it'd better be CLEAN up in there. Pig.

Ask_Deadpool: Damn. Have to go clean now for prissy female. Think she'll notice if I just shove a buncha stuff in the corner? Damn.

Ask_Deadpool: Anyone got an Indian throw? I heard if ya throw them over piles a'stuff people won't notice there's mess underneath...

Ask_Deadpool: Ah, screw it. I'll just toss it all out the back window. She'll never know.

A'course instead of cleaning much I was messin' around online:

Ask_Deadpool: What the hell, why are there like 300 of me online? Kids, this is the real me, yo. Fer serious.

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool You're the only one for me hurr hurr

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Damn straight, baby! But I mean there's like, at least 4 other 'Pool pretenders on Twitter. What's that all about??

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool OBVIOUSLY ANOTHER T-RAY PLOT. THIS CALLS FOR ALCOHOL Y/Y

(PLS NOTE: HEY_FREY IS AN INSTIGATOR OF DRUNKEN PARTIES.)

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey You are so right. Damn T-Ray. Also: Y. You wanna come over an' drink with me an'@foresthouse? We gots beer and wine.

(SEE I TOLD YOU.)

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey An' she said she's bringin' cookies, too.

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool OMG bb I will bring the mixtapes I made of you. I goddamn love cookies.

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Mixtapes OF me? I'm on a tape now? Who knew??

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool Oh YOU- mixtapes made FOR you I guess. Along with a scarf so your neck won't get chilly.

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Works for me. I like presents. Lots an' lots of presents!

An' then I..er...ok, I guess I did sorta invite you mooks over, huh? Well, hey, I'd already cleaned the place...a little. So why not?

Ask_Deadpool: Maybe we should get a party goin' up in here. Everybody's gotta bring somethin' though. Like that game that goes by alphabet letter.

Ask_Deadpool: I'm bringin' ants. Fire ants. Anyone bringin' something with a B?

mellzers: @Ask_Deadpool I'll bring boa constrictors, taking b AND c, because I'm that good.

Ask_Deadpool: @mellzers DAY-UM. Kinky. Hey, wait. Is this Britney Spears?

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool In return I expect nudes. NOTHINGS FREE PAL.

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Who you expecting ta be nude, huh? We better be talkin' females, here. Or - wait, are YOU a female? Then I'll get freaky with ya.

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool I'm actually your mother.

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool SURPRISE IT'S HOUSE OF M AGAIN!

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey OH CRAP. This is gonna take awhile. Where's the potty?

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool It's alright, long enough for me to take advantage of you HOOO-RAH.

mellzers: @Ask_Deadpool Nope, never shaved my head. I've sung If U Seek Amy before though, much to my shame.

Ask_Deadpool: @mellzers Ain't no shame in askin' people to... nevermind.

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Now that's just twisted, yo.

Ask_Deadpool: Dude, Britney Spears' fanclub just retweeted me. Hey, are they coming to the party too? They'd better bring somethin' startin' with "D".

Ask_Deadpool: An' it better not be toxic.

mellzers: @Ask_Deadpool Surely you're not insinuating that there's a hidden message to that song. I thought people were looking for a girl named Amy.

Ask_Deadpool: @mellzers Yeah, an' ain't we all lookin' fer that? Heh.

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool Oh sugar, it's only twisted if one of your clones show up. Then we just need more space.

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Hey, that reminds me. I should get Agent X ta bring over the Twister mat. He can't play though, 'cause if he falls everyone dies.

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool But Outlaw said he lost weight! MY GOD cut the man some SLACK! He's carrying enough already.

Ask_Deadpool: @foresthouse just got here. She says why are there strange people in my apartment. I told her I couldn't stop y'all from coming. Back me up.

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Whatever, yo. 14 pounds or some such. You can't even tell. An' I saw him sneak a Twinkie yesterday.

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool I saw you topless, getting a bit chunky monkey yourself princess. Tell @foresthouse to put on her hot pants.

Ask_Deadpool: @foresthouse wants ta know why we got a Britney Spears fanclub in the bathroom. An' a boa constrictor. I told her the fire ants were hungry.

mellzers: @Ask_Deadpool Are you inviting Taskmaster to the party? Because I heard that he can make radish roses.

Ask_Deadpool: @mellzers Tasky can come if he wants. He knows where I am. Watches my cable all the time. If he's bringin' radish roses he's gotta come later.

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Hey hey now, no personal attacks here, or my attacks'll get personal too, an' I got lotsa ordnance.

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Kiddin'. But were you spyin' on me again? when I was all naked and things? Some people frown on that.

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool I'll love you no matter how blubbery or limbs you lose! Even if your head falls off.

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Think my head's fixed on ok now. Had Sandi test it th'other day. She pulled my ear. Head didn't fall off. An' then she bit my ear.

YouTubeDeadpool: @Ask_Deadpool are you on E? I'll bring the Edible Endangered Elephant Ears.

Ask_Deadpool: @YouTubeDeadpool Sweet! We'll just pretend there ain't no D in the alphabet. Oh! @foresthouse brought date cookies. good enough fer me.

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool I just HAPPENED to have cameras set up. God, lock your front door more often.

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey That was Outlaw's fault. She fergot her holsters in here th'other day an' had ta break in while I was out. Forgot ta fix the lock.

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool WHAT ABOUT BLACK WIDOW II?! You are such a player!

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey What? Me an' Outlaw were just engagin' in a bit of target practice, ya know what I mean?

hey_frey: @Ask_Deadpool Until Yelena shows up and target practices your butt.

Ask_Deadpool: @hey_frey Eh, I ain't worried. I'm a better shot. Don't tell 'er I said that, though.

Ask_Deadpool: Bob just showed up with a forensic fruit salad. Typical. But hey! That means we're on G. Oh, an' Bob says hi.

Ask_Deadpool: Ah, crap. Tasky showed up after all. But hey! He brought gorditas. Oh, an' he says why the hell am I on a computer at my own party.

Ask_Deadpool: Guess I'll sign off then an' go be the life a'the party, as always.

Ask_Deadpool: Everybody come on over. But remember ta bring stuff. I think we're up to H. CIAO.

mellzers: @Ask_Deadpool And obviously you brought H for humility. ;)

deadpool96: @Ask_Deadpool id prefer two things starting with T!

CrazyInez: @Ask_Deadpool I could bring somethin' with a B! ......An' get yer mind outta the gutter... Bullets, of course.

pensive1: @Ask_Deadpool what letter are you on now? I have a can o' Pringles but don't wanna wait outside the door.

The aftermath...

Ask_Deadpool: @pensive1 I did let you in, didn't I? Can't remember. Those elephant tranquilizers mess me up fer a good few minutes.

Ask_Deadpool: @pensive1 Oh, wait. I remember the Pringles. You musta been there. WHEW!

pensive1: @Ask_Deadpool Twister is so much more interesting with coffee can lids that slide around... heh heh... ow...

Ask_Deadpool: @pensive1 Oh, that was you? Hah. Well, at least you got an introduction out of it. I saw that guy bandaging your elbow...

Ask_Deadpool: @CrazyInez Thanks fer bringin' the bullets. Although I only let ya win the target-shootin' contest 'cause yer a girl.

CrazyInez: @Ask_Deadpool You LET me win? I dun think so, cowboy. I can take you, ya know!

Ask_Deadpool: @CrazyInez Can't believe ya actually shot Alex's finger off, though. Cruel, you are.

CrazyInez: @Ask_Deadpool Well, let's just say I haven't forgotten about him and his cheatin' ways...

addygryff: @Ask_Deadpool Em and my favourite merc throw a party and I'm off sleeping in a corner somewhere. figures. I woulda brought the Zirconia ;(

Ask_Deadpool: @addygryff Aw, man. I was wonderin' where ya were. Well, next time I'll get Sandi ta send out proper invites. Promise!

Ask_Deadpool: @addygryff I'm thinkin' next time it'll be a BYOO - "Bring Yer Own Ordnance" - an we can have some killer drunk fights. With bets.

Ask_Deadpool: @addygryff PS. Em said this mornin' her head hurts like *anythin* Serves her right fer drinkin' all them screwdrivers with no healin' factor

FIN.

A'course, a lotta what happened ain't immortalized on Twitter. So, to sum up: hey_frey played DJ, the fire ants ate the Britney Spears fanclub, the boa constrictor ate the fire ants, pensive1 hurt her elbow but met a guy who later turned out ta be Maverick usin' my image inducer (an' then he BROKE IT) ta pick up chicks, foresthouse danced on the table after drinkin' all them screwdrivers, CrazyInez was hittin' on YouTubeDeadpool but found out he's married an' got annoyed an' shot a hole through Alex's ear, Tasky likes tabledancers and was followin' foresthouse around all night, mellzers did a REAL GOOD rendition of "Womanizer," deadpool96 leered suggestively at pensive1 until Maverick-in-disguise clocked 'im in the head during Twister, an' Bob mostly stayed behind th' couch 'cause he's a weenie. Oh. An' it turned out hey_frey isn't really my mother. Yeah, it was one helluva party!

Hey, ya know what else counts as Twitter stuff that's *gotta* be recorded? The Legends of Ryan Reynolds, a glorious byproduct of #ryanreynolds / #deadpool week. An' that reminds me, if ya don't know already, I've declared this week on Twitter ta be "#ryanreynolds / #deadpool week" just 'CAUSE I CAN. So ev'ry day, everybody tweet somethin' with #ryanreynolds and #deadpool in it. Don't care what it is! Just make somethin' up if ya have to. Or help add ta our list of Completely True and Accurate Facts about Ryan Reynolds, also known as:

The Legends of Ryan Reynolds

#1: Ask_Deadpool - Ya know, I was watchin' that pizza place show yestaday, an' I think #ryanreynolds really *is* 10 ft tall (#deadpool)

#2: foresthouse - #ryanreynolds owns every issue of #deadpool ever in mint condition and special gold-plated bags & boards. TRUFAX.

#3: foresthouse - #ryanreynolds also owns every issue #deadpool appears in besides the main runs - but they're only in silver-plated bags.

#4: foresthouse - Thanks to rigorous training for that one show, #ryanreynolds can slice a pizza into 8 perfect pieces in midair. #deadpool approves.

#5: foresthouse - #ryanreynolds no longer eats any sort of eclairs, ever. You don't want to know why. Even #deadpool doesn't want to know why.

#6: Blazefire33 - #ryanreynolds married Black Widow and was engaged to God. look it up ;)

#7: Blazefire33 - #ryanreynolds also owned a pizza place with a guy and a girl cause he's cool like that

#8: Blazefire33 - #ryanreynolds paid himself and Hugh Jackman to re-enact wolverine and #deadpool fighting, and won with one kick

#9: foresthouse - #ryanreynolds took out the entire female audience of Ellen with one katana trick. (#deadpool took out an entire army, though.)

#10: foresthouse - #deadpool just told me that of any actor, #ryanreynolds is his favorite pick to play him. And that he's actually 11 feet tall.

#11: foresthouse - On a horse made of crystal #ryanreynolds patrols the land, with #deadpool, two katanas, and his perfect hands...

#12: foresthouse - George Washington predicted #ryanreynolds birth in 76 and wrote "I am vastly jealous of this amazing being who shall play #deadpool"

#13: Ask_Deadpool - #deadpool 's dad was an army general who could kick yer ass. #ryanreynolds dad was a Canadian mountie who's HORSE could kick yer ass

#14: Ask_Deadpool - The existence of #ryanreynolds & #deadpool spontaneously caused the acronym BAMF to come into being. (see http://tinyurl.com/65y72u)

#15: Blazefire33 If you say #ryanreynolds 5 times in a row #deadpool sneaks into your room at night and watches you sleep

#16: Blazefire33 - #ryanreynolds does special role playing with Scarlett called #deadpool and the girl who gets rocked by #deadpool

#17: Blazefire33 - When #ryanreynolds was a baby, #deadpool picked him out of all the kids in the hospital to one day portray him in a movie.

#18: foresthouse - #deadpool and #ryanreynolds know EVERYTHING: like how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop

#19: foresthouse - Death waits for no man, unless that man is #deadpool. Or #ryanreynolds. She digs them both, 'cause they're hot stuff.

#20: foresthouse - #ryanreynolds & #deadpool are the only two people in the world who know how to have their cake & eat it too.

#21: foresthouse - #ryanreynolds doesn't kill people; #deadpool kills people. #ryanreynolds knows the benefits of plausible deniability.

#22: Blazefire33 - #deadpool wanted to get #ryanreynolds a b-day gift he could play with everyday, so he introduced him to Scarlett Jo

#23: inlaterdays - #ryanreynolds can count to infinity and the result is #deadpool

#24: Blazefire33 - #ryanreynolds took #deadpool to see Transformers 2, they're now on a mission to kill Michael Bay and get their money back

#25: foresthouse - #deadpool *personally* taught #ryanreynolds how to slice bullets in half. Now they do it whenever they get bored.

#26: foresthouse - #ryanreynolds is the only human who fought with Deadpool and lived to tell about it. They were only fighting over the remote, though.

#27: foresthouse - #ryanreynolds and #deadpool teamed up and beat EVERYBODY who fought in The Ultimate Showdown. They won and went out for ice cream.

#28: foresthouse - #ryanreynolds & #deadpool once did a stand-up show together. The audience died of laughter. #ryanreynolds brought them back to life.

#29: foresthouse - #ryanreynolds and #deadpool met Deathstroke once. They made him carry their bags, and only tipped him a quarter. He thanked them.

#30: foresthouse - The appearance of #ryanreynolds and #deadpool in any crowd of females causes spontaneous ovulation.

#31: foresthouse - #deadpool once defeated Wolverine by puncturing his lungs. #ryanreynolds once slayed Wolverine with a glance.

An' now...I gotta go see what Sandi did with my spare mask. No rest fer the poor mercenary! So until next time, keep 'em primed an' prepped!

And now, for something completely different!

2009-06-15T23:12:33Z

Hey everyone! It's Sandi, here to introduce today's special guest blogger! No, it's not Bob. He's still organizing his lists of notes into spreadsheets to make sure he doesn't accidentally forget to post something. Or...something like that. I don't know, last time I saw him he was covered in Post-It's and had highlighter smudges on his cheek. But I'm sure he'll sort it all out soon. Instead, in honor of having over 100 subscribers now, Wade asked foresthouse, his official Number One Fan, to come in and do a little audio clip to say thanks to all of you for reading the blog and keeping Wade company during the infomercials. She tells me I'm not allowed to listen to it because of something about walls and that it would "just end up really confusing me" but that you all would know what she's talking about. So...um...I have no idea what's on the clip, but here it is!

...

Click to download and listen:

Over 100 readers, whoa!

...

foresthouse also told me to tell all of you not to worry, Wade told her the next entry will be question-answering as usual. So there's that fun to look forward to.

See you all again soon!

♥ Sandi ♥

Bob is Very, VERY Excited

2009-05-20T10:17:34Z

Bonjour, my brilliant little banana cakes! Qu'est-ce qui se passe?

Y'know, I got no idea what that even means, but Outlaw's decided she wants to learn French ta be all sophisticated and impress WB and whatever, 'cause last week they were at the mall pickin' out boots an' stuff and she swears he was eyein' some haughty French chick's holsters in Victoria's Secret. Me, I'd be less amazed by him eyein' one a'those A&F models they got wanderin' around shirtless sometimes, but nobody asks me. Whatever the real story is, it's been nothin' but French on tape in the office sound system for the last three days, an' even Bob's gotten into the spirit. Yesterday he baked up some Battle Baguettes – they're hard as a rock, but they make great stealth blackjacks. I gave one a try when Tasky came t'visit, and BOY, was he surprised.

As it so happens, I got a little down time right now (yeah, I know you thought you saw me down on the street th'other week, but y'know, who's ta say I didn't tell some other schmuck to go pretend t'be me fer awhile? Tasky was just whinin' about how he needed a job), so I took a poll as t'what I oughta be doin' just now. And the whole office said, “Get off yer lazy ass and answer some questions." Well, 'cept Tasky. He just told me ta go away before he stalked outta the joint. Sourpatch. We really gotta get him a girlfriend or somethin'. I wonder who we could hook ol' skull-face up with...

Anyways, by popular consensus, I'ma gonna answer up a few questions now, an' then I got a coupla announcements ta make.

Let's start with this one...

amejisuto asks:

Dear Deadpool,

What are your top five favorite horror movies? You know, the ones that scared the bejeebus out of even you?

Happy Haunting!
Ame

Well first I gotta say, sorry it took me until now to answer this question from OCTOBER. The months, they just kinda slip by when you're busy fighting zombies an' tryin' ta out-think Norman “Brush Waves” Osborn an' stuff. So, y'know, happy totally belated Halloween and many happy cavities. Now, then, lessee – favorite horror movies? Well,there's a lotta fun blood an'guts movies out there, an' it's real hard ta pick just five. So instead I'm gonna go with the top five movies I'd show to torture someone I'd just tied up with the horror of how BAD they are. 'Cause there are some movies out there that are so bad that the fact they exist just plain scares the bejeebus outta me.

The first contestant fer the prize of horrible moviemaking is...

Kate & Leopold!

Yeah, the idea that this movie exists pretty much scares me every time I think on it. I mean, ok, say what you will about the new Wolverine movie, but at least it didn't require Hugh Jackman to utter a line like this:

Are you suggesting, madam, that there exists a law compelling a gentleman to lay hold of canine bowel movements?

with a straight face. OR Liev Schreiber to go on fer ten minutes about dogs an' rainbows an' cracks in chairs until we were all bored stupid. (Betchy'all had forgotten Jackman an' Schreiber starred in a movie t'gether before Wolverine. I WISH I COULD FERGET.)

An' then there's the fact that a movie containing a line like this:

Behold, rising before you, the greatest erection on the continent... the greatest erection of the age... the greatest erection on the planet!

somehow still failed ta be either funny or interestin' fer more than three seconds at a time.

So, yeah – the knowledge that some yutz out there thought it would be a good idea to actually make this movie AND managed ta get it done totally horrifies me. As did Hugh's crotchtacular pants.

Not ta mention that's 118 minutes of my life I will. Never. Get. Back. Not even with a healing factor.

An' ya know, while we're on the subject a'scarily craptastic romance movies, can we talk about Tribute? I mean, kudos to Ms. Roberts fer gettin' one a'her stories on the tiny screen, an' I know sometimes Hallmark's hard up fer things ta air, but COME ON. That movie was so bad, I actually stopped watchin' it in favor a'shovelin' off the couch (no small task, I c'n tell ya!). The “I sleep in my boxers” scene? The sledgehammer photoshoot? CAN WE GET A RESHOOT, HERE? Pref'rably one that doesn't contain this?? (Except that the parts where people were tryin' ta kill her were kinda fun.)

Ya know what scares me the most about this movie, though? That anyone thought it had the right t'be on the same channel as MY BELOVED BEA. HALLMARK, YOU ARE ON MY NAUGHTY LIST.

So enough with tha romance movies, 'cause ya know, I usually don't even watch romance (that's Tasky!). Next up on the list has gotta be Nick of Time. You wanna talk awful cinema? This is the vid ta pop in the ol' machine. Here we got 90 minutes of Johnny Depp (completely amazin' actor!) runnin' around tryin' ta be a hero, and it's the most boring thing I ever seen. An' that includes the time some mobster mook buried me up ta th'neck in cement fer a week an' all I had ta look at was a dead beetle decayin'. (Word ta the Wise: Don't piss off the Maggia. They get their feelins hurt, they're worse than Christian Bale when you ruin his scene (an' they don't even have the panache ta tell you you're *&@$! DONE, PROFESSIONALLY before they stick yer ass in the wet concrete. Low-class schmucks.)) Th'best part a'this whole movie was the scene where the senator or whatever's about ta get shot and she does this panicked double-take tryin' ta find out where the shooter is. MAN, me an'Weas actually fell off the couch laughin' at that scene. I kinda don't think that was the goal a'the producers, though.

What'r we up to now, #4? OK, #4: Wild Wild West. It's a movie about the old West. With a giant freakin' mechanical spider runnin' around. WHUT? I honestly forget what the hell else happens, except fer the part where Will Smith rapped in a movie he was in, AGAIN. (I was amazed he didn't bust out with some lyrics durin' I, Robot, actually. I was kinda expectin' some:

Yo this is a story, all about how,
my life got flipped, turned upside-down.
The dude who gave me a mechanical arm,
jumped out the window an' bought the farm!
The robot I hated turned out ta be nice,
but the rest'a them tried ta get me iced!”

Fer real.) I mean, don' get me wrong – Will Smith'll always be awesome. But yeah, this movie totally lowered his cred fer awhile.

OK, now someone out there's gonna yell at me fer this last one, I got a feelin', but whatever – I tell it like it is, an' you got a problem with that, well, I'm always up fer throwin' down. BRING IT. So here's movie pick #5: Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. (Yeah, I wish it was BURIED on The Far Side of the World.) I know some schmoes out there love this flick, but fer real? Here's what I c'n remember after the 3.72 days I spent watchin' it:

Ship, ship, ship, CANNONBALL, water, ship, water, CANNONFIRE, blood, water, RANDOM SPLINTERING WOOD, water, ship, slippery decks, CLAUSTROPHOBIC HAMMOCKS, blood, VIOLINS, water, water, really quiet dialogue, HOYAY, water, ship, ISLANDS, ship, water, TOTALLY BLATANT HOYAY, water, ship, water, FIN (VIOLINS). An' the whole thing was all dark an' blue an' depressing. SNORE.

So there ya go, li'l Ame. Five movies ta stay away from unless ya love torturin' yerself.

And on we go!

Ooh, my favorite German charmant has written me again!

addygryff writes:

Hi there.

That's some awesome advice, thanks! ;D
You know, I'll totally consider getting into the [merc] business, is it possible to work past time as well? It might be just the thing to get some extra cash while I catch up on my studies...
If it doesn't work out.. what else could I do? Any ideas?

Ya know, I got all sorts a'ideas as ta what people c'n do in their spare time ta make some cold hard cash. I recommend a job where, if ya tell people what you do, they look at you funny an' then run away real quick. 'Cause that kinda thing makes me laugh.

Ideal job ta try fer this? Chicken sexer. No, it ain't what you think it is. An' it's not that, neither. Although I'd totally go for it if this sentence meant what any normal person would think it means: Mohamad "does" about 700 chicks a day, or three chicks every two minutes. MAN. Even MY healin' factor would be workin' overtime with that many women.

OK, so that's all the questions I got time for today, but like I said, I got a coupla announcements ta make, an' here they are:

1) Even though I KNOW all my loyal fans are payin' close, CLOSE attention ta everything on my journal, including my links list, I figured I oughta mention my two svelte, smooth, spectacular affiliates, as featured on the sidebar, 'cause I don't think I did that here yet. So, yeah: if you want to keep up on all the Deadpool news that's fit ta print (an' even I can't hardly keep up with it these days. I'm everywhere!) the absolute best place ta do that is The Deadpool Bugle. That's right, true believers! I HAVE MY VERY OWN NEWSPAPER. Take THAT, J. Jonah Jameson. An' if you wanna check out some YouTube videos by a big fan of yours truly, go on an' give Deadpool and Friends a try. Don't miss this dude's thoughts on my new movie, or his poll on which of my sweet-ass costumes was the best ever. (Quick answer: ALL OF 'EM.) Go on! Click the links! You know you want to.

2) Hey, you guys remember way back in the day when I did a poll an' asked if you wanted to see any other Agency members answerin' questions here? (Of course you don't. That was an ice age ago!) Well it's finally THAT TIME. That's right. By popular consensus, I will be allowing my ~~pet~~ pal BOB, AGENT OF HYDRA ~~Hail HYDRA!~~ ta answer a few of yer questions.

Here's how it's gonna work: Got a question fer Bob? Great! Post it in the comments ta this entry. Then, I'm gonna let Bob pick his FIVE favorites an' answer them in the next entry. An' hey! If he doesn't screw it up too bad, I may even do this again. (Don't worry. I'll answer more a'yer questions first!) I think Tasky's next in the polls, an' even though he swears up and down he doesn't wanna “waste time with your stupid imaginary friends” I know he's totally itchin' fer a chance ta say hi ta you all. (We *really* need ta get him a girl or somethin'. He's so mopey.)

Warning: Bob has informed me that if you ask a numbered question, he will NOT answer it. Apparently, numbered questions frighten Bob. He claims Alison used to number all her complaints whenever they had fights er whatever. So, yeah: no numbers for Bob!! He's allergic!

Until next time, my chill chimichangas, keep 'em oiled an' loaded!

Hey, That's Just What I Woulda Said!

2009-05-11T19:22:49Z

Hey hey, my little amigos! I swear I'm gonna be answerin' more questions any day now, but in the meantime, you feebs gotta see this. In case ya haven't heard, this dude over on YouTube who's a comics fandom genius in tiny video format does these videos called "I'm a Marvel; and I'm a DC." An' I FINALLY got ta be in one last week (been waiting fereeever for this!). An' it was FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC.

But ya know when you think nothin' could be better than what you got? Sometimes you're wrong! 'Cause this week, ItsJustSomeRandomGuy called me up an' asked me how I felt about the whole "movie version a'Deadpool" thing in Wolverine - an' then he put it in his video. An' you know what they say: a picture is worth a thousand words. So here it is: My Thoughts In Visual Format (Let Me Show You Them).

RandomGuy, yer the BEST.

P.S. An' my little pal foresthouse also sent me a link to the icons she made from the first RandomGuy Deadpool vid. Check 'em out. They are SWEET.

DEADPOOL MOVIE CONFIRMED!

2009-05-06T01:42:08Z

Hey everyone! ♥Sandi♥ here!

I know, I know. You're expecting Wade and you get me, and I'm sure it's a disappointment, but you'll be happy when I tell you WHY I'm here instead of Wade.

Wade has currently passed out on the floor from happiness, because he just read that he's getting a solo movie! And we are all SO happy for him! (Well, Alex isn't particularly pleased, but I keep telling him that maybe, just maybe, he'll get to be in the movie too somehow. He's not buying it.) Anyway, even Tony is a little bit happy, because he knows there's a tiny chance he'll get a cameo, since he's known Wade for a lot longer than Alex. And also because Tony's really quite fond of Wade, although I suspect he wouldn't want me to tell you that...

Anyway, where was I? Oh! Oh, right. So before he passed out, Wade expressed extreme jubilation at the fact that Ryan Reynolds will be playing him, AND that Marvel is going to be involved in the production, thus minimizing the chances of another Weapon XI fiasco. Wade didn't say it quite like that, but I think that was the gist of it.

Oh, and he said one more thing: "DEADPOOL MOVIE WRITERS, CALL ME. PLEASE."

So, um, yep! That's all, I think. Wade should be back for another post soon. I think I just saw his foot twitch.

Love & Kisses!

♥Sandi♥

P.S. Another story link here!