...
Oops. Sorry! I thought I saw a mouse, and I had to deploy HYDRA Strategic Maneuver #301, Squeaking Like A Rodent And Jumping On The Couch, which, you know, when I think about it, wouldn't squeaking like a rodent when you see a rodent maybe be like you were doing a mating call or something? Which would attract the rodent? Huh. Well maybe not. I mean, I guess...I guess HYDRA knows best. After Mr. Wilson, of course.
Mr. Wilson's so great. He's been trying to teach me some new tricks, like Holding A Katana, and Pointing A Gun, and Not Running From Fists, and Throwing A Grenade After Remembering To Pull Out The Pin, but I don't think I'm getting along as fast as he'd like. (Alison always did say I was a bit slow. I thought she was talking about my chewing, though. You know, it's important to chew a bite 42 times before you swallow. Especially if you don't have a good medical plan that covers choking and things.) Mr. Wilson shouts a lot after a few minutes of lessons, and last week he put his fist through the Agency wall again after I hid behind his desk for the 52nd time. But he's so nice that he is still trying to help me learn. I mean, he says it's because at the level I am at now I'm “more dangerous ta others than a pigeon who's just eaten a big meal'a C4 an' perched on yer shoulder,” but he's always saying things like that. I don't know why the only HYDRA training classes I ever excelled in besides hiding were the ones like Killer Baking 101, Poisonous Puddings 265, Sharp Salads 322, and Arsenic Hors d'oeuvres 436, but Mr. Wilson lets me practice my cooking and baking a lot, because he also says we should “play ta our strengths an' surprise the enemy.” Last week he surprised an enemy with some of my Myoporum Muffins (Delicious and Deadly!). He said they worked like a witch's charm. I was very proud.
So I guess I should answer questions now, huh? Oh, except I have to tell you something else I'm so proud of: Mr. Wilson told me I could be President of his Fan Club!!! I mean, I had to cling to his ankle and beg for awhile while he dragged me around the office like a leg weight, but then he said ok! So now I am President Bob! Alison would be so proud, if she still answered my calls.
As President, I feel I have certain duties to Mr. Wilson, so I've been looking around to see what people are saying about him. And it turns out, Mr. Wilson has LOTS of fans. (Who should all become members of the Official Fan Club of which I am the President, of course. There is A Button that you can buy once you are An Official Member. There is also A Secret Handshake, once I figure out the rest of it. If you want to join, I think it's ok with Mr. Wilson if you comment here with your email address. I am not sure what I will do with your email address, except maybe send you a link to A Button You Can Buy And Wear To Show You Are Official. But I am sure I will figure out other things to do with it. I won't sell it to anybody, though. I promise!)
Anyway, as Fan Club President, I think now would be a good time to mention some of the amazing fans out there who have been doing all kinds of neat things in honor of Mr. Wilson.
Links to Neat Mr. Wilson-Related Things
I think maybe Mr. Wilson already mentioned these first two before, but just in case, I will mention them again:
The Deadpool Bugle is the place where you can read ALL the news on where Mr. Wilson will be appearing and what people are saying about him. It also has a Twitter feed.
Deadpool and Friends is where you can watch YouTube videos that are mostly about Mr. Wilson. The person who runs it also has Twitter.
And here are some I don't think Mr. Wilson mentioned yet:
I'm a Marvel...and I'm a DC. Here at the Agency, we love ItsJustSomeRandomGuy, but I don't think we've mentioned him before. So now I will! You should all watch every single one of his videos because they are all amazing. AND now Mr. Wilson is in several of them, too. Here are the ones he is in so far:
Hi, I'm a Marvel...and I'm a DC: Wolverine (Deadpool) and Watchmen
Hi, I'm a Marvel...and I'm a DC: Wolverine Heroes and Watchmen Heroes
Marvel and DC Keep on Trekkin' (Marvel/DC/Star Trek Parody)
Marvel/DC/Terminator Salvation Parody
Marvel/DC: The Hangover, Up, and Drag Me To Hell Parodies
Marvel and DC Talk Transformers (Marvel/DC/Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen Parody)
Yay, RandomGuy and RandomGal! (And RandomCat!)
What Would Deadpool Do? is by a couple of Mr. Wilson's fans who have made what I think is called a “mash-up” of Star Wars and Deadpool comics (not to be confused with my Monkshood Mashed Potatoes). As they say on TV Tropes, when you put two wacky things like that together, Hilarity Ensues.
ScarletVulture's Comics show some of Mr. Wilson's “unofficial” adventures. They are very, very good. I wish I could draw like that. But I can't. Oh well. At least I can bake!
The Merc With A Mouth Files page contains some of Mr. Wilson's information on some of the many, many people Mr. Wilson has interacted with in the course of his important work. Of course, it might not have all of the classified info. But that's because if Mr. Wilson told us that, he'd have to kill us. At least, that's what he's always telling me.
Kyle Robinson Customs is a place where you can get little
The Deadpool Forum is a pretty cool new place for people to go and talk about Mr. Wilson and comics and other things. Mr. Wilson's Number One Fan (but not President of the Fan Club, that's me!),
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
foresthouse, joins in the conversations over there sometimes.And I think that's all the links I have for now. If you know of other good fan places, you should let me know so I can put them in the Official Fan Club Files.
And now I really will answer your questions. Mr. Wilson says that since seven isn't much more than five I can answer all seven of the questions people asked me! Let's see, how does Mr. Wilson usually do this? Oh. Oh right.
youtubedeadpool writes:Wow! Hey thanks for the shout out! It is greatly appreciated. I shall repay you with a question for Bob and some authentic New Mexican food if you ever come this way.
Question for Bob:
If you could kick any three people square in the nuts and get away with it, who would it be?
Gee, I'm not sure we've gotten to the Kicking People In The Nuts part of our training yet, although I know Mr. Wilson is an expert at that. I guess I will just have to use my imagination and pretend I am skilled in that so that I can imagine who I might want to use that skill on. Huh. And also I will have to imagine that my therapist did not tell me not to release my anger at myself and Alison towards other people, and to be tranquil like a babbling brook and all of that.
...
OK. OK, I think I've got it. The first would be L. Ron Hubbard. I mean, I know he's not alive, but if I had a time machine as well as a way to get away with kicking people, I would definitely kick Hubbard for making a cult out of a bunch of science fiction stories. I mean, not only does that give nice science fiction writers a bad name, but Alison's uncle Stewy sent all his money to those stupid Scientologists and he was still a crazy drunk who ended up falling off a trolley car and dying. I blame Hubbard. And also, what kind of a name is L. Ron?
I guess I'd also use my time machine to kick Michael Jackson's dad. A lot. He sounds like one mean evil man.
And I guess if I was ABSOLUTELY assured of no consequences...I'd kick APOCALYPSE in the nuts. Just because I could!
And now I have to do my breathing exercises for a minute. My therapist wouldn't like me getting all excited like this.
...
OK.
designatedhero wrote:What was there not to like about Wild Wild West? Overly-elaborate death traps, campy villains, super awesome trains, Ulysses S. Grant?!
Anyway, onto Bob:
Let's face it Bob, you throw like a girl. You ever considered getting lessons? Maybe going to a baseball game and taking some notes?
I liked Wild Wild West, personally. But don't tell Mr. Wilson I said that!
Gee, Mr. Hero, I'm really flattered that you think I am such a good sportsperson. Alison was an All-Star League pitcher back in our hometown, and I never thought I was as good as her in the throwing department, even though she really, really tried to teach me. I guess I do throw a lot like Alison did, but then, she used to strike out a lot of people every game, so I thought that was a good thing. Huh. I guess I could go to a baseball game sometime and see how other people do it. But I bet most of them aren't as good as my Alison is. Was. Is still. Even if she's not really my Alison anymore. You know what I mean.
isntthatfancy asks:Dear Bob Agent of Hydra,
The other day I had a math test that I'd consciously chosen not to study for. I didn't want my teacher to think I was stupid though, so when I came upon a problem that I just couldn't figure out, I filled in the answer blank with something I did know about: The history of Russia. A whole essay on it.
For some reason I didn't get any points, not even for effort! Oh Bob, with all your great knowledge, could you possibly tell me something that would have been a better topic? What would you deem worthy of points despite being not-math?
Dear Fancy Person,
I would think an essay on the art of stealth combat cookery would have impressed your teacher very much, to the point where he or she would have given you an A+. I mean, stealth combat cookery is a very exact kind of cookery – it really has to be done right, and you have to be very meticulous about measuring your seasonings and making little spaces for explosives to be hidden and getting the doses for the poisons right and all of that. And certainly after you wrote the section on How To Make Apples Grizwald, I am sure your teacher would be very, very impressed.
trashjack wants to know:Dear Bob, Agent of HYDRA,
What the hell did Deadpool do to you? You know, when you two first met, and he was tiny for some reason (probably involving Pym Particles or the Rhino; I never knew what happened immediately before that adventure). When he threatened you with your own HYDRA ID card, you said that because he was so minuscule, he could not harm you. You clearly ended up being very wrong about that, but I want to know HOW wrong. What on earth did he do to you with that card? And why did you look unhurt after that?
Dear Mr. Jack,
Mr. Wilson is very, very tricky and smart in a very unique way that I like to call “The Deadpool Way.” It is very practical, kind of like The Way of Mrs Cosmopilite, but in a completely different Way. As in not so logical, just practical. And one of the practical things I learned from Mr. Wilson when he had my ID card in hand is that even tiny people, if they know where to push with a sharp plastic corner, can cut your eyeball right in half. At least, that's sort of something like what he told me in his tiny voice right before I decided I didn't want to find out if he was one of the people who knew where to push. My Way includes the maxim, “Don't do anything stupid that could get you killed.” And that would include disobeying Mr. Wilson, who could clearly get me killed in many, many ways. People who follow my Way might not have the most fun, but they usually have the longest lives!
lady_of_mists wonders:Dear BOB, AGENT OF HYDRA
How would *you* go about keeping people in a hospital from waking you up every forty-five minutes during the night shift? Please remember that there are no locks on any of the doors (even the bathrooms!) and that this hypothetical hospital room is on the sixth floor.
All the best,
Lady_of_Mists
Dear Lady,
This one is easy. I would ask Mr. Wilson to go and make sure no one woke me up unless it was important to my own personal health that they do so. And then I would offer him money so he would do what I asked him to. He is very conscientious about doing what someone asks when he is being given money for it. Sometimes. Which is why I would also offer him the money in several parts, with the last bit being given to him after my release from the hospital.
And people say I am not smart!
benicio127 says:DP! And Bob, Agent of Hydra
How fabulous.
Question for Bob, Agent of Hydra
Let's say you're in a desert and a scary dude walks up to you. Your training is to hide, but where do you hide? Do you stick your head in the sand like an ostrich? Burrow underground like a marmot? Make like tumbleweed and roll away?
Do tell!
Well, Benicio (Benicio del Toro, is that you? OMG I'm such a fan!), I will tell you that even in the desert a clever hiding operative can find plenty of places to hide. For instance, in our HYDRA manual, all of the illustrations of deserts had a big cactus in them to show that it was a desert situation. Since I am not a beefy man, I am sure I could hide behind a cactus with only minimal pain and tiny pricks to the skin. Also, in HYDRA Hiding School, we were taught that with the right willpower, humans can make themselves really, really flat. Like a hamster! So in a desert situation, I might lie down and sprinkle some sand over myself and then make myself really, really flat, thus looking like merely a Bob-shaped hillock of sand! The scary dude would never even know I was there! And of course, there is the age old run-and-hide-behind-a-sand-dune method. Most deserts have little hills and things. Once you are behind one, you can burrow in pretty quickly, given a sharp implement and the right level of fear as a motivator.
Nope, the desert would not pose a-ny problem at all, when it came to me and hiding! I am sure of it.
And now, one last question:
writerbunny asks:Bob, Agent of HYDRA
If you could go anywhere in the world on a week's holiday, where would you go?
Ooh! Ooh! That reminds me, Mr. Wilson promised me that next week I could finally go on that holiday he told me I could have two years ago. OOOH. And I know exactly where I am going, too. Geneva, Switzerland! I think it is probably the least likely place in the whole world where anyone would be shooting at me, trying to stab me, or even yelling at me. I can't WAIT!
And, well, I think that's all the questions you wonderful, lovely fans asked me. So I guess here is where I must leave you! But maybe Mr. Wilson will let me do this again sometime. It was fun, being out of the kitchen for awhile and answering your questions! I hope you had fun reading my answers, too!
Sincerely,
Bob, President of Mr. Wilson's Fan Club
- Where I'm At:Mr. Wilson's office!
- Feelin':
giddy - On the Turntables:Singin' in the Rain
OK, then...lookin' through the pile a'junk Sandi handed me on my way in...Ah! Here's one that's been festerin' in the mail heap for awhile:
docwebster says:Greetings, o purveyor of awesometudeness. I bring you numbered questions, and true brain strainers they are, too.
1) What's up with the feebs at Marvel's website making it so dang hard to subscribe to your new series?
2) What's up with Outlaw chasing that closet case boyfriend-Fabio lookalike contest reject instead of basking in the glow of the mighty Deadpool?
3) Where the hell are my pants?
Oh, numbered questions, let me count the ways I adore you! But first, let me answer you!
1. First things first: anyone else here see the irony a' the Doc askin' me what's up? Yeah, I thought so. Now then, Doc, there's a very simple explanation here, and it goes somethin' like this: see, whenever Marvel prints an issue of my comic, the editors look at it, all shiny and pretty and new, and decide that you feebs don't deserve such a wondrous piece of artistry. They decide they want t'keep 'em all! (You know the mooks who work in comics are the biggest geeky collectors of them all, after all.) So they go an' sabotage the online subscription sign-up and order list, and then they lock all the issues up in The Special Vault. An' then the accountants start crunchin' numbers (as they do) and go on an' on about pesky little things like “cost of supplies” and “overhead” and “profits” and what-all, and the editors cry and pout, an' then the accountants haveta go down the hall and get Fred.
Fred's a little slow, but he's a big dude that don't ask fer much pay, so they keep 'im around for this stuff. So Fred goes and pries the new issues away from the editors, and beats up whichever one of them sabotaged the order list this week, an' everything gets straightened out. But see, Doc, this whole song an' dance happens every single issue, an' it kinda slows things down. So that's why it's so hard to receive issues of my awesome comic on time. It's because they're SO AWESOME.
See? Wasn't that a simple explanation?
2. You know, I'd say it's gotta be the hair. I mean, we all know I'm one in a million and three, here, but Outlaw's got this thing about pretty blonde hair, an' I ain't bin sportin' that for a long while (X-Force #56, anyone?). So I prob'ly wouldn't be much use on a trip t'the mall an' the hair salon, plus last time we went I may have accidentally, y'know, inadvertently caused some murder an' mayhem, and Outlaw hates it when things get between her and her sale items. Anyway, her la-di-da relationship with WB doesn't really phase me. Whatever barbeques her ribs is cool with me, 'cause I got my eye on a different gal. But I do wish Thor wasn't so goshdarned whiny.
3. In yer back pocket, a'course! I can't believe ya didn't check there already!
Now then, since I'm on a roll, here...
ghetto_ninjette writes:Dear Deadpool,
I have a few questions for you!
1. Do you still have feelings for Siryn?
2. Are you even more embarrassed about being cursed with the face of Thom Cruz [after being cursed by Thanos for trying to hook up with Death] now that he's gone crazy and is into Scientology?
3. On average, how much do you think you spend on Taco Bell?
4. Would you ever consider Jack In The Box tacos?
Thanks for taking the time to read my questions!
<3 –Ames
Ah, my precious little Ninjette, your numbered questions have stealthily stolen into my heart and nestled there, right alongside my eXtreme love of delayed-detonation hand grenades. And now, to answers!
1. Well, I know th' mooks who run this LiveJournal carnival tend to frown on explicit written pornography, so in th' interest of not rainin' on their funnel cake stand, I'll skip over how much seein' Red spins my carousel, an' just say that I'll always have a little soft spot in my heart for th' stunning songstress – prob'ly the spot right next to my love of sharp shiny things.
2. Man, I was embarrassed enough before anyone went around jumpin' on couches and grinnin' like a monkey on speed all the time. Lemme just say, no matter how much I may have looked like the dude, I never got so excited talking to people about my belief in aliens an' explodin' volcanoes or whatever that I looked like I was gonna spit a lung up at them. AND that I would rather be cursed with immortality than that face. Whew, what a narrow escape THAT was!
3. Ahh, who's to say? Sandi got me an expense account there. She said it took some doin' – apparently no one else in th' known world had ever asked fer one. But then, I always knew I was special.
4. Are they free? Free for me? THEN HELL YES.
Anytime, baby. Now ninja on outta here and bring me a taco!
OK, one more before I go see if Agent Orca has left a single snack in the kitchen t'day.
spam_monster says:...Well, I'm glad to hear that you still would want to team up with Nate after all that. Seriously, you guys are just awesome together. *fangirls*
But anyway, questions!
1. If you could get some kinda super tricked-out crimefi-I mean merc-work vehicle, what would it be? And what sort of features would it have?
2. What do you superhero/villian types normally wear under your costumes? Do any of them, you know, go commando? (Or just wear a little red thong like Tony Stark?)
3. Could you possibly find some way to jump into another comic book universe? If so, can you punch this guy in the face for me?-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adrian
Because he really needs to be punched in the face.
I'll pay you in cookies. Or brownies, or cupcakes. Some type of baked goods. Please?
Ooh, numbered questions from the Monster of Spam! Shouldn't they all be asking me if I want to expand my mojo with the little blue pills an' things? Huh. Guess not. Ok, here we go!
1. You know those giant hamster balls? The ones where you can go rollin' down hills an' over th' water an' stuff? Well, I'm not sayin' that would be my transportation a'choice, but it's definitely gotta be a feature. Collapse one a'those down and pack it in the side compartment for the easy jobs, ya know? Because, I mean, what else strikes fear inta th'heart of whatever mafia goons you're about ta knock off like a Giant Hamster Ball A' Doom barrelin' straight for them? Gets 'em every time, I tell ya, right about when I roll on over their heads. Other features, other features...OOH. Well, a smoothie machine, fer sure. Sometimes a brain freeze is just what my bubblin' brain-pan needs. And a'course, some of us are easily distracted, so I guess I'd have ta heist one of Mr. Iron Man Stark's little smart robots to rig up somewhere so it could hand me my smoothies and take the ladies' phone numbers when I slow down at red lights and all that. An' naturally I'd have some, y'know, homing missiles, spike-producin' tires, crazy spy GPS tech, an' pretty much everything else you've ever seen in a Bond movie.
But where would all this custom gear fit, you ask me? No contest! In a tricked out, souped up Ducati Superbike 1198 S, a'course. Don't think I could fit it all in there? 'Chya! A'course I could. Look at how much Tony fits in one little suit a'armor and tell me I couldn't do even better with a Ducati! Not to mention their gear comes in my colors.
2. OK, now see, I don't go around spyin' on the other supercool peeps in their skivvies unless they happen t'be, y'know, women. So I can't say one way or th' other what Tony wears under that suit. An' there are some things us superheroes (like me!) are totally sworn to secrecy on, like how Emma Frost manages to keep her top from falling down all the time (but oooh, wouldn't you fanboys love to know how I found that one out). I will say, though, that those of us who wear spandex have a much easier time of it if we forget our briefs than kids like Tony. OUCH! An' then you got crazy bastards like The Thing, who pretty much wanders around in his boxers all day without anyone sayin' a word, even if he does look like magnified sandpaper. So pretty much what I'm sayin' is it depends a whole lot on who we're talkin' about. Me, I get by with just about anything I can find that's sorta clean at the moment, which usually means something with little Deadpool symbols on it, although I'm not above wearin' the green panties if Bob hasn't finished the laundry yet. I look pretty darned good in green. Yellow, too!
3. OK, I tell you what – if I ever get out of the crossover story I'm stuck in right now, I'll take a little detour downtown to Veidt's place and knock his lights out for ya. And you know? I'll even do it for free. 'Cause MAN, what a tool that dude is.
I won't turn down baked goods if they're offered, though.
P.S. Yes, to answer your other question, Nate *is* part pirate, thanks to his pirate captain granddaddy's shenanigans (although I'm not sure his granddaddy was the sharpest splinter in the tinderbox. Who builds a plane out of wood these days?). In fact, one of his middle names I always forget t'list is “Yaarrrrrr.” I think it's somewhere between “Christopher” and “Dayspring,” but who can remember? Anywho, I got him an eyepatch for his glowy-eye one Christmas, 'cause it was totally keeping me awake at night, but he refused to wear it unless I saluted him and called him “Yaarrrrrr.” He's very respectful of his heritage. What a dork.
An' that's it for today, my friendly amigos. Bob's cookin' up some South a'the Border specialties fer dinner, and I don't want to be late. You know how I love me some Mexican food.
So until next time, keep 'em revved and ready! (And I'm referring here to my elite fleet of Ducati motorcycles. You know, the ones I assume you all are buying for me as we speak. You haven't started signin' the papers yet? WELL GET TO IT. I accept both red and black paint jobs. Thank you.)
* Sandi would like to remind us all that Artic Poison Ice, while not harmful to regenerative wonders like me, is actually a serious matter that we should be trying to stop, even if it does leave Bob with less fun ingredients to experiment with. So recycle and save energy and and help stop global warming and all that jazz! Sandi thanks you.
- Where I'm At:The Agency
- Feelin':
accomplished - On the Turntables:Rock and Roll Soldiers - Funny Little Feeling
I am glad fer the company, though, (gets a bit lonely when Sandi's gone to her stupid naked-people drawing class, and Tasky's decided to pretend he's too cool for us again, the weenie) so here's a little shout-out/hello to anyone who's just found The Most Awesome Blog EVER. Welcome to my Fortress of Cool, and all that good stuff -- but don't eat all the little croissants Bob baked while you're here, or next time I'll be welcoming you with a big sai through the stomach!
Haha, I kid. Really. No, really. Welcome.
And just for kicks, feel free to let me know how you happened to find my Fortress of Cool
And now, just for you, a fun link that someone sent me the other day - otherwise known as More Evidence of Why I Am So Cool: My very own page on TV Tropes!
See? So cool.
Chow!
- Where I'm At:The Agency, all by myself.
- Feelin':
curious - On the Turntables:All Byyyyy Myseeeeelf...
I wasn’t really concerned with all that, though, ‘cause I was still on the trail of the Eyeball Gouger – found him holed up in a warehouse on 52nd, and THEN things really got fun. The revolver, the candlestick, the lead pipe, and the knife were all in play, but darned if I could find the little plastic rope, so in the end we stopped with the CLUE and I just beat him over the head, repeatedly. It was sweet.
Right when I got back to the office, though, Outlaw’s new boyfriend came crashing in and they started fighting about whose hair was nicer. (I don’t think she told him it’s a wig yet.) He hit her with a hammer and flew her away, and really, I’d go after them but it’s not like I can fly. Anyway, Outlaw’s a big girl. She can handle him fine, from the looks of things.
So instead, I’m gonna shove my uniform in the wash (you wouldn’t guess it, but eyeball juice stains) take a nice, deep breath, and answer some questions. (And I have to say, I figured out why so many people are addicted to this ‘blog’ thing and stuff – you get to talk and talk and no one can interrupt you. I love it!)
First question today comes from
lady_of_mists. She writes:Dear Deadpool,
Name a few situations in which I can't see you, but you can see me.
1) When I’m hanging upside down outside your window and watching you sleep? But I don’t do that these days, ‘cause now it’s not considered “romantic,” it’s considered “stalking.”
2) I’m a master of stealth and sneakiness, so when I’ve got you in my sniper sights, I’d be seein’ you but there ain’t no way you’d be seein’ me! Not that I’d ever try to kill you, though, ‘cause then all your lawyer friends’d slap me with a lawsuit before I could say, ‘Great Gatsby in a knapsack!’
3) Well if you close your eyes while I’m starin’ at you, but that one seems obvious.
4) There was this one time when Cable duct-taped me from head to toe, and he could totally see me but I couldn’t see him at all. I stabbed him in the forearm for that one. Then he duct-taped me to a truck windshield and painted me orange and black like Garfield. That bastard.
5) If I hid under the pile of undies in your laundry basket, you probable wouldn’t see me, even if I was starin’ right
6) I could go on for hours, here, but I think you get the idea.
P.S. That grappling hook you found outside your window yesterday? Totally not mine.
P.P.S. How do I know you’ve got lawyer friends? Well I am stealthy and sneaky, and possibly also a master of disguise. Yet another reason you’d never see me if I didn’t want you to.
P.P.P.S. These green panties are adorable. Can I keep them? All my boxers are dirty right now.
And now, a question from
judsons, who asks:Dear Mr. ‘Pool:
Why do my socks never match?
and
Could god heat up a burrito that was too hot for even him to eat?
Well, Judsons, this may come as a shock to you, but the reason your socks never match is that you’re colorblind. In one eye. You know, I knew this guy who was colorblind once. When he was a kid, he had this white shirt he wore all the time. It was his very favorite shirt in the whole world. He wore it to school, and he wore it to play, and he wore it to bed. And then one day, his friend asked him, “Sam, why do you always wear that bright pink shirt?”
He also painted part of his green car brown when he was in high school. When his dad asked him why he’d bought the brown paint, he said, “Well dad, I have a brown car. Why wouldn’t I buy brown paint?” Poor schmuck. I used to love asking him what color things were and then laughing at him. Until he stabbed me in the leg that one time. Then we were no longer buddies.
But back to your problem. See, because you’re colorblind in one eye and your nose is really really big, your peripheral vision just plain sucks, and the socks you wear on your left foot look different from the ones you wear on your right foot. Sorry, dude. That’s just the way it works. Your best bet for solving this is to never wear socks.
As for God and food, did I ever tell you what a fantastic baker that skinny li’l gal is? I mean, I’ve never met her, personally, but one time while I was hangin’ with Loki (that tricksy dude with the great hat collection) she sent him a strawberry shortcake ‘cause he mowed her lawn for free or something, and he gave me a piece, and man, was that stuff good. I mean, it almost tasted like there were no preservatives or artificial flavors in it at all. I almost fell for God right then and there on the basis of cake alone, but it’s always bad news dating two immortal anthropomorphic gals, and I knew Death’d be jealous if I started stalking God, even if it was just cake-love. And then there’s that whole universal ‘kick-me’ sign God seems to have decided to slap on my back. I kinda can’t get past that, even for cake.
Anyway, the way I hear it, God never eats Mexican food. It gives her really bad gas.
...
Oh, time to throw my suit in the dryer. So, until next time, keep ‘em sharp and shiny!
- Feelin':
cheerful
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