I’m typin' from home this time, ‘cause we finally got enough money from the eyeball job that Sandi said I could go home for the night. I think it might be the first night in twelve days I’ve actually gotten back to that comfortable ass-groove in the couch. Man, I missed my couch. Hello, couch!
Oh. Anyway. Let’s pull out a letter or two, shall we? Here we go...
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chrryblssmninja wonders:Dear ‘Poolster:
What was your pre-chilla life like?
Huh. Well, my petite cherry blossom, not entirely sure what you mean there. I mean, I’ve always been chilla than the next dude, so it’s not really like I had a life pre-chilla. But maybe you mean in those days before I became the amazing, astonishing merc-for-hire that I am today? I guess you could say back then my life was...not nearly as much fun as it is now, that’s for sure! But maybe that’s not what you meant, either. I guess maybe it’s time to try out my Google-fu!
Hmmm...lessee...Google says:
Chilla-nashini (severe trial: also spelled Chelaa-nashini) is the spiritual practice, known mostly in Indian and Persian folklore, of remaining seated in a circle without food, water, or sleep for forty days and nights.
Haha. Well that can’t be what you meant. I mean, what kind of a fool would sit around in a circle and do nothing for that long? I hope you’re at least allowed to talk sometimes. Man, that’d be so boring if you couldn’t even talk.
Um...
Oh, here’s something. I see “chilla” is a nickname for “chinchilla.” Now, how in the hell did you know that Sandi just got one of those things? Are you stalking the Agency?? (O_<) You’d better watch out, or you’re gonna start freakin’ me out, here. Anyway, if THAT’S what you meant, the answer is: much less cute. I mean, I’m not much of a sucker for little furry things, but damn that puffball is irrisistable. The very first time she made me pet it it tried to lick my finger, and I have to admit, now I bring it raisins and call it my little Cottonball. And I haven’t even tried to stab it yet. Just don’t tell any of the bad guys this, ‘kay? It’s not good for my image.
P.S. I don’t know why she named it Rogue. Chindis the Killa Chinchilla would have been a much better name. Especially with those little red eyes the furball has. But Sandi never listens to me. Also she’s got a major lesbian crush on that X-chick.
So, what else have we got here? Oh, here we are:
amejisuto says:Dear Deadpool,
Who's your favorite Buffy character? And I mean the character, not your
favorite set of tits.
Cheers!
Ame
Ooh, this one’s easy-peasy-puddin-and-pie. That’d be Willow, baby. She’s clearly better than all the other feebs on the show. I mean:
a) she’s got red hair, which is spicy-hot-hot-hot;
b) she dated a werewolf for awhile, so I figure even a guy who looks like me might have a shot; and
c) she gets it on with chicks, and she’s kinda kinky, so if I asked real nice, she might let me watch.
In a word: ZING!
P.S. How dare you imply I'm so shallow that I'm just admirin' the melons? I am so very offended!
P.P.S. And speaking of melons, helloooo, witch! That would be reason (d) why Willow's the best!
OK, one more for the night:
Dear Deadpool;
I’m a big, big fan, and I love your style, but I have to ask: are you gay? My friend
gestalt1 says you’re “totally gay for Cable. TOTALLY!” and I want to know if it’s true. I mean, Cable’s got a chiseled profile and all, and I dig the glowing eye, but really, man, that’s just LAME. And now he’s traipsing around with a baby and stuff, and that’s kinda wussy, and I just had to ask. Say it ain’t so, man!Derek Boterry
Monte Sereno, CA
P.S. Is this you? I know you’ve dressed up as a girl before. I thought maybe it was you in drag again.
Derek; you know, I’ve never been to Monte Sereno, but I’ve heard it’s a nice place to visit for a day. Maybe I’ll come out your way sometime. I bet you’d LOVE to see my katanas all up close and personal. They’re really sharp.
But to answer your question: I thought we covered this already! Damn. I don’t know where these rumors even come from! Really. I mean, you live with a mutant Jesus that everyone is in love with on a remote island for a few months or so and all of a sudden people think you’re the new Odd Couple or something. Like I could help that we always went everywhere together and stuff. That was the fault of science, man, not my choice. Well, science and Cable swallowing me, but--wait--that didn’t--you know, the short answer is NO. In all caps, dude. I dig the chicks. And my fantasies in no way involve WD-40. I don’t know who started that one, but just GET IT OFF THE INTERNET, FEEBS. I am a 100%. Straight. MAN.
Ooh, I gotta go now. The dryer just buzzed and my new green panties are dry! See ya!
- Feelin':
complacent
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