Hey hey, my freaky fans! It's meeee!
...NO! It's ME. The younger, cooler, better Deadpool!
What? Kid, shut it an' sit down. Yer a tool. Anyway, as I was sayin'--
Wait, wait! They don't want to hear about YOU. Let's talk about *ME*. Check this out; I have HAIR. Pretty, blonde--ouch! Why you little--
Soldiers! Stop shoving over there! There's only one keyboard and I need some elbow room! I can't even...Ok, who ate the burrito for lunch?
Don' look at me! I only do live and recently-deceased flesh. Non'a that beans an' rice stuff fer me. But I think it was comin' from that dir--OOF!
Hey, mister. If you don't quit blamin' me for yer messes, I'm gonna take my custom-modified Colt Peacemaker and shoot you right in your--
Will you two knock it off? I swear to Super-Skrull that I will turn this journal entry right around and not even post it if you don--
Dammit, why don't you just shut up already, Major Dragpool; and by the way, who stole my Midol? Listening to you mooks bicker is giving me CRAMPS.
I didn't even know that was possible. An' seriously? You're goin' with PMS jokes ta emphasize which one of us is the female Deadpool? Really? LAME. Man, I think I liked it better when all I had ta worry about was which schizophrenic colored box was talkin'...
Well, I mean, look at my gratuitously chesty body. Do you really expect the writers aren't going to play up the random female stereotypes all the time? Dollars to donuts they'll have me freaking out because I lost my favorite lipstick in the middle of a fight by page three of my next appearance. You know it's tr--
Hey, any'a you seen my puppy? If one'a you all shot him or somethin', I'm gonna be REALLY--
Shut it, shorty. No one cares about yer puppy. We can't even pronounce 'is name. And anyway, where'd you come from? Ain't you dead?
Well, you know how Marvel likes ta bring things back ta life. And what better time for me than now? I mean, no one'd even protest, 'cause they wouldn't even notice yet ANOTHER version'a Deadpool reappearing with alla these new feeb versions croppin' up left, right, an' center!
Hey, squirt; watch who you're insulting! I'm almost as old-school as you; but of course I'm way, way fresher in the hip-and-cool department. And everyone knows i--
Hah, that should keep him down for the count. DAMN, he was getting on my nerves. Listen, why don't we take turns sharing our insights with the internet? I mean, all this shoving is getting us nowhere, and--
Hey kids, it's your friendly neighborhood Spider-man, here to tell you it looks like another beautiful day in the neighborhood!
What the...? Who said that? What is this thing??
What? Since I can't snuggle with my puppy, I needed a substitute. And Spidey-Plush is SOOOO. CUUUUTE. And he talks! I couldn't resist. Look, if you squeeze him he says "Excelsior!"
OMG! You threw Spidey-Plush out the window! YOU BASTARD!
Eh, don't be upset. He was holding back your development. You need to learn to exist without the crutch of--OOF!
I don't wanna hear it, Lady! HE KILLED SPIDEY-PLUSH.
Ah, he'll bounce back. He's made a'stuffing! Now c'n we get back ta the actual topic at hand here? Which is: WHY ARE THERE SIX OTHER VERSIONS'A ME IN MY OFFICE???
It's bad enough when Agent X shoves his fat butt in here and makes me feel all claustrophobic an' oddly like I wanna cuddle up on his sumo-esque tummy, but THIS is ridiculous! An' now the me with the biggest chest is gettin' her own comic? An' I'm gonna be on the cover'a 24 other comics in one month? Sandi's goin' crazy tryin' ta book alla my appointments, an' I can't even HIRE people ta fill in fer me anymore. Tasky just stormed out in a huff 'cause Sandi double-booked him fer a merc job as himself an' a cover shot as Iron Man me last week. An' I can't even remember what day it is anymore 'cause I been so busy runnin' all over town posin' with the Fantastic Four an' tormentin' Daredevil. Don' get me wrong, I like being busy, but THIS IS GETTIN' EXHAUSTING. What th' hell's goin' on here?
Didn't you hear, soldier? You're the hottest property around right now! It's the culmination of a rise in popularity that's been on slow burn since shortly before that ridiculous Wolverine movie came out. All the movie hype brought you to the attention of the mainstream and caused Marvel to give you more page-time; pre-Department K you was the best part of that haphazard movie; and now that BAMF Ryan Reynolds is going to play you again in Deadpool, you're hot stuff!
Well, I mean, yeah, I know I got more fans now than I used ta, an' there's gonna be a movie an' all, an' I'm real excited about that, but I thought it was 'cause...I'm bloggin' now...and...I have a Twitter...?
Don't be silly! It's because you landed a small role in a movie that starred WOLVERINE, so people who'd never heard of you are now your fans, and Marvel only knows one way to deal with a rising star: overexploit him until the public can't take it anymore! Why do you think there's that persistent subsection of fans who hate Wolverine so much? It's because Marvel did the same thing to him, and some people eventually got sick of it!
So what yer sayin' is...I'm gonna be th' next Wolverine?!
Honey, you already are. You're Marvel's next big hero fixation! Guest appearances in pretty much every book? Encounters with a collection of random spin-off characters? A book about you and your zombie head? TWENTY FOUR variant covers in one month?** Me maybe getting my own book? I thought you'd already realized this: we have hit THE BIG TIME, baby!
Hang on, hang on. The whole point of Deadpool is that he's not a mainstream hero or even anti-hero, an' he's not a villain either; he's both. I mean, look up amoral in th' dictionary an' you're gonna find that dude's ugly mug starin' right back atchya. Trust me on this, I'm his CLONE. An' that's why Deadpool c'n do things other Marvel cats can't: because his every action doesn't have ta be a show'a heroism fer the kids or affect the whole freakin' universe. How else could he get away with stuff like punchin' out Kitty Pryde or rochambeauin' Captain America? Terrorizin' mental patients in the loony bin? Encouragin' crazy folks ta kill judges just so's they can feel better? I could go on forever, here!
...So then how's this-here newfangled fame going t'affect the Merc with a Mouth? I mean, besides occasionally giving him some right smart podners like me, The Deadpool Kid?
Ah, we all know what's gonna happen; I mean, it's already started. He's gonna get a little less zany an' fun, an' a little more mainstream, 'cause editors actually pay attention ta what goes in th' books that everybody's buying, an' he's gonna show up everywhere they c'n wedge his little symbol in, and the market'll be flooded, an' then after awhile people are gonna get tired'a him.
Oh yeah, an' foresthouse is gonna go either broke er crazy er both tryin' ta collect alla his appearances. Or her comic book lady is gonna shoot 'er inna heart fer callin' up at all hours'a th' day ta add YET ANOTHER Deadpool comic ta the purchase list. Ah, foresthouse: We'll miss ya!
Hey now! I like foresthouse. AND having fans who aren't sick of me. An' I don't wanna be all boring and mainstream. So...I can't believe I'm about ta say this, but:
Marvel? STOP PUTTING ME ON, IN, AN' AROUND EVERY SINGLE COMIC YOU'VE GOT. STOP MAKING THE FANS GO NUTS TRYIN' TA GET THAT ONE COVER WHERE ONLY MY ELBOW APPEARS, OR PAY OVER $100 FOR A VARIANT COVER, OR LOCATE A MARBLE WITH ME IN IT THAT APPARENTLY DOESN'T EVEN EXIST. STOP WATERING DOWN MY CHARACTER BY GIVING ME 100 SPIN-OFF APPEARANCES, BECAUSE I'M *ALREADY* HALF-SCHIZOPHRENIC OVER HERE AND I REALLY DON'T NEED ANY MORE'A THAT. The reason I'm so awesome is that I'm ME, and now I'm hearin' that what yer doin' is gonna change all that. Nice as it is ta be able ta whip out th' X-Men Club Card at th' local Starbucks (what? I lifted if off the angsty one-eyed wussbucket while he was oglin' Emma Frost), I DON'T want ta be th' next Wolverine. I want ta be me. An' that means not makin' me work so hard that even me an' my healin' factor can't keep up.
So you wanna know what you gotta do? Stop messin' around with a variation of that insane T-Ray storyline where a million-billion versions'a me came outta that weird deus ex machina star thingie, and start huntin' down ONE OR TWO awesome writers like Joe! Kelly! or Fabian Nicieza or Gail Simone ta write ONE OR MAYBE TWO awesome continuous books in which I am once again 100% pure ME. (And in which Pool-o-vision never existed, plsthx.) OK? Got it? GOOD. Then maybe by the time my movie comes around fans won't be totally broke an' exhausted an' pissed off by trying ta track down every single comic book in th' world in case my left toe is featured, or by readin' storylines that totally change my character 'cause the writers just don't get my faaaabulously unique personality.
Oh, an' by the way? If I'm th' hottest property around, how come *I* don't have a talkin' plushy yet? If yer gonna exploit me, at least do it by sellin' some awesome merch. Ya hear me? GET ON THAT.
P.S. Wouldn't say no to a Deadpool voodoo doll, neither. But only if you c'n do the matchin' Cable doll, too. I'm a symmetrist. Gotta have the pair!
P.P.S. Now, alla you knock-off Deadpool mooks? GET TH' HELL OUTTA MY OFFICE.
'Cept you, Headpool. You c'n stay.
** Editor's Note: This entire post may or may not have been inspired by Deadpool's rage at the fact that there is NO WAY he (or foresthouse) will be able to acquire all twenty-four variant covers in February. GRRR.)